The Sex and Intimacy is Missing!

[Young at Heart]

....My question is how to encourage an h to explore things like Viagra, while he doesn't yet "need" it. Seems better than waiting til he's already upset.

...And btw, he recently had atrial fibrillation despite being a runner and in shape and military. This shocked us both. WTH? So I don't know how that will affect things. He's now on meds for it but it freaked us out as he had to be "paddled" into a regular rhythym...sheesh, this aging thing could stink big time...

First, if that happened to my wife (paddled back to life/normal heart beat) I would be so scared of loosing her. Take good care of yourself.

As to "premptive" medical options, well I have two thoughts.

The first is bribery. You are his wife and know him better than anyone else, including all his weaknesses. You can always ask him or give him some choices as to his reward.

Viagra and its sister drugs are sometimes sold as recreational sex drugs to people who don't really need them. You can tease him that you want to give him the Hugh Hefner all night treatment one night.

One of the best Dr. Laura episodes I ever heard was about Dr. Laura talking about helping your spouse loose weight. A woman called in and said she had figured out a sure fired way to help her husband loose a lot of weight. She told her husband that for every 5 pounds he lost, he would get to pick an outfit out of a Fredricks of Hollywood catalong(or some such internet website) that she would wear for her husband in the bedroom. She told him that for each five pounds of weight he lost, she would wear anything he choose, anything. She explained that her husband was now really motivated to loose weight and it he was getting really healthy. This was a woman who knew her husband and knew how to help him reach a goal.

I realize that your problem is different, but you also know your husband and probably what motivates him better than anyone else. So bribe him to go to a doctor and bring home a sample of Viagra or some such thing, if that is what you want and as long as it will not harm his heart.

Who knows you may find out he has a kinky side you didn't know existed (or that you or he pretended didn't exist). His ultimate fantasy might even be home cooked Sunday night dinners.

My second thought is to talk to him about it as ackward as it may be. After you read the book Still Sexy After All These Years, you could share with him some of the stories of women who have impotent husbands and how they have found ways to keep sensuality and sexuality alive with their husbands and how important that was to them. You could even just mark the story and have him read it and talk to him about it.

Tell him that you are committed to being with him until the very end and that intimacy between the two of you is very importantto you. You want to enjoy traditional intercourse with him while the two of you still can, as you understand that age and illness may get in the way of that at some point.

You might also tell him that you understand that there could be medical conditions that may make "traditional intercourse" impossible, and that you want to work with him prior to anything happening so that the two of you have explored a lot of options as possible.

I have had a few discussions with my wife about this topic. It was a topic that I brought up with our sex therapist that she could mediate for us. The therapist whose husband had died during a running race, told my wife that life is short and you need to enjoy what time you have together and either use it or loose it.

My wife, as the LD partner, really didn't understand my need and the importance to me of sex, but our sex therapist helped explain to my wife why it was so important to me. I also used the books Chapmans 5LL and Sue Johnsons Book, Hold Me Tight to try to explain to my wife why touch and sex from her is so incredibly important to me.

As my tag-line says, I am getting older and concerned about what health problems we may have over the next 20 years and want to have as strong a relationship as possible to handle the stress of aging in a youth oriented society. Until then I will exercise my butt off to stay as fit and healthy as I can.

Good luck to you. It sounds like you have a good man for a husband who keeps himself in shape. I hope that you find the love, sex, and intimacy you need.

[25yearsmlc]

I'll get the book, but h is an MD and seems tuned into things physically. He was surprised he was in A-Fib and it came up on a random physical (he's in the Reserves). Other than a cough, he was asymptomatic. Don't think I wasn't freaked, I was there with him to drive him home from the physical, when INSTEAD of that, he got admitted to the cardiac ward, and suddenly he went into respiratory arrest while they were trying to do a test...WTH?? A lot of slow motion recall...

Turns out his father has it too, although fil has it much worse. Anyway, h says that viagra won't hurt his condition but he has to monitor it. I think it's a bit of an ego blow to him b/c he's a health nut and is in the best shape of any man I know his age.... (well, except for this!)

But hey, I will get the book. And when my libido drops, as it has a handful of times in our m, I notice. And I don't like it. To me it's like I'm not tasting my food anymore, and only eating "for fuel" purposes.

Forget that. I want to enjoy the food AND the "rest" of what life has.

I get it, YAH, trust me, I get it.

[sbrass]

I may be a little thick or a little slow, but I've not understood your post of May 17, your slightly 'controversial' suggestion.
There are good days and bad days. It's a bad day. We've just celebrated her birthday. A romantic supper in a nice restaurant. And I ask, 'What are your hopes and dreams for this new year?' And there's noting related to our inexistent sexual relationship. How many times do I have to express my hurt, my despair, my unhappiness, my sense of failure and of being unloved and unloveable? What do I have to do to be heard?
I need some hope, some sense of even minimal change for the better, and I have none. But I still can't bring myself to accept that this is the way it will be, unless I chose to walk away - and for me that is not an option.

[sbrass]

You don't shock me, but I'd like to ask you to spell out a little more clearly what you mean by 'opening up your relationship'.

I feel like a pressure cooker that builds up steam and then blows. For a while there's at least reality after the anger, and a little more cuddling, but that's as far as it goes. No real change. So the steam builds up for another bang. The latest being that she saw one of the books I've tried to get her to read lying on my desk. She says that she's ready to try to satisfy my needs more often. But my need is not just for sex. It's for 'making love'. Feeling loved and desired, and making my partner feel loved and desired.

[DaddyLongShanks]

You don't shock me, but I'd like to ask you to spell out a little more clearly what you mean by 'opening up your relationship'.

I feel like a pressure cooker that builds up steam and then blows. For a while there's at least reality after the anger, and a little more cuddling, but that's as far as it goes. No real change. So the steam builds up for another bang. The latest being that she saw one of the books I've tried to get her to read lying on my desk. She says that she's ready to try to satisfy my needs more often. But my need is not just for sex. It's for 'making love'. Feeling loved and desired, and making my partner feel loved and desired.

You have the same complaint many women have. Why not try improving your desireability and attractiviness outside of your wife. Do it for yourself.

[DaddyLongShanks]

You don't shock me, but I'd like to ask you to spell out a little more clearly what you mean by 'opening up your relationship'.

I feel like a pressure cooker that builds up steam and then blows. For a while there's at least reality after the anger, and a little more cuddling, but that's as far as it goes. No real change. So the steam builds up for another bang. The latest being that she saw one of the books I've tried to get her to read lying on my desk. She says that she's ready to try to satisfy my needs more often. But my need is not just for sex. It's for 'making love'. Feeling loved and desired, and making my partner feel loved and desired.

You have the same complaint many women have. Why not try improving your desireability and attractiviness outside of your wife. Do it for yourself.

We need to lighten up things on these depressing forums, so I decided it may ease your mind to laugh a little bit.

So a husband initiates sexual intercourse with his wife that night and she responds "not tonight, I have a headache". The husband says "ok honey, please forgive me". So the next night the husband initates sexual intercourse with his wife, being a little more patient and tender and she responds, "honey my head is hurting. The husband, embarrassingly not wanting to feel selfish says "ok, honey I understand, it's ok" and backs off.

The husband with his desire growing, initiates several more nights, being more patient and more tender each time, as he attempts to engage his own wife.

So the next week the wife comes early, she hears bed springs squeeking, and muffled sounds in her bedroom.

The wife realizes, her husband is having sex with someone else!

The wife bursts into the room and demands "WHO IS THIS?"

The husband says "honey, don't worry. This is your headache medicine"

[DaddyLongShanks]

Oh,

My friend who told me the joke, he said his wife never has headaches. I thought that was pretty funny.

[sbrass]

I'm sadly coming to your same pessimistic position. I believe in marriage; I've taken my vows seriously. I've been faithful over 30 years. The sex is non-existent. I've tried everything I know. Michele's book gave me real hope, it spoke to me. But my wife says she just doesn't want to read it all, it doesn't speak to her. She's just told me that she thinks that she's basically a lesbian, that all her deep passions have gone that way, though she's never acted on them, and done her best to fight against them, which she now starts to regret. I suspect that her efforts to kill her lesbian desires have killed all desire. She does perhaps still love me, but she doesn't and can't DESIRE me, and I so deeply long to be desired... So what can I do to change that? Nothing, as far as I can see. I'm deeply despondent, shaken in my masculinity. The only possible glimmer of light is that we're both talking about it, and both seeking (separately) outside help.

[ssmguy]

Have you considered radical suggestions to shake her up? For example, suggesting, or even just wondering out loud, if you two should consider an open marriage? Tell her she could explore other women while you have a female friend with benefits? Even though both of you may not want that, I have found that just "wondering out loud" if the other person would want that can be enough to shake them up and make them value what they now have.

I once asked my wife if, since we aren't having any sex and she had refused to have it or talk about it, would it be OK if I had a female friend with benefits? It wasn't something I was planning to do, but the logic of the question was inescapable and seemed to make her realize she really couldn't support an answer which basically said I couldn't have sex with anybody at all indefinitely.

[sbrass]

Thanks ssmguy. I jotted down in my diary just this thought this morning.