Irish, I'm very sorry that you had to see the two of them holding hands, etc., but you actually got to see her and now the "cute, lovely woman" is out in the open. They are always different and many of them do look older or just not the type our spouses would have chosen had they been in their right minds.
You will always hold some feelings for your xh, but those feelings will not be the same as the ones you had when you were in love w/him. It takes a long time for those feelings to change and it will be done gradually and one day, you'll be surprised how those feelings have changed. Give yourself some time, the wound is still very raw and open.
I am glad to see that you had your family around you last evening. How was your son's prom? Did he enjoy himself? What about you? What are your plans for the week ahead?
Irish, please take care of yourself. No one can hold a candle to you. Just remember, you are a unique and very special lady.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Knew it. You can take the bar fly out of the bar, but you can't take the bar out of the bar fly.
The way you describe it Irish, it was a bigger shock for your S than you. Probably because you went into protective mother hen mode at the look on his face.
You sound as if the entire evening was not a total loss. We usually build them up to be disasters, and then they are not that bad. It's how I like to protect myself, actually.
Onward and upward Irish. The worst that could happen already has. You are over the hump. Now run with it Irish. You are far stronger than you give yourself credit for. You proved it last night. ((HUGS))
Oh Punkin, you always say the best things, ha ha!!
I am sorry Irish for what you had to see but I do think you came through it just fine and showed your dignity as we all knew you would.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I remember reading that many of the ow/om that a mlc'er picks is often someone that the LBS would never imagine them falling for. They often pick someone that is the direct opposite of the LBS.
In my case, I was a P.E./health teacher and a cheerleading coach and my H went out and fell for a cocaine/heroin addict lesbian stripper.
At least I was not jealous of her and her lifestyle. I was proud to be who I am. And I know H only liked her because he could play the part of Hero - trying to save her.
The MLC'er is at an all time low and they often feel like the OW/OM can relate to them the way we cant. Their loss - not ours. TIPPER
Tipper, they usually need someone they can 'help' or rescue, feel better than, and be miserable with. I suspect that your h is a 'glass half empty' sort of guy at the best of times
For so many MLCers it is about feeling unsuccessful relative to what they feel they should have done and/or those around them. Your h cannot live up to you - this is not your fault or your problem. .
We cannot fix them, sad though this is. We go on thinking we can, or that we were at fault. We should work on ourselves, but that is in order to live our lives. If it is MLC we didn't cause it and could not have stopped it, nor can we fix it.
I have had the most surreal and unsettling weekend I have had in a very long while. Just hitting the 11th month mark of his leaving. Nothing feels real or normal any more. Truth be told - I am exhausted from "feelings". And yet I am scared of not feeling anything as well. The loss and loneliness from the end of my marriage haunts me daily. Are these feelings I can "control"? I don't know. The avoidance behaviors I have mastered are so scary to me. To tackle all that I have been avoiding seems so overwhelming that I stick my head in the sand. Now I am finding that I can't breathe in the sand. I am scared. So, unbelievably scared. I need healing, rest, quiet, peace. What I have is chaos, noise, responsibilities, and fear.
This is who I am today...
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
My heart goes out to you. This has all hit you with such rapidness that there was really no time to even get your bearings before the next thing to try and deal with came along.
Sweetie, take a look back. You have handled it all and done it admirably. I don't think you really stuck your head in the sand, you just went on automatic pilot and did what had to be done. I believe it a self protection thing.
Now that everything is done, it's hitting you full force because now all the decisions to be made from now on are yours. It is scary but there is something about not having to answer to anyone for your choices that is quite freeing. Believe me, I know it's not what you wanted.
Hang in there Irish. The fear will start to fade as you start to believe what we all know. You're a very smart, capable, strong woman that will be better than OK.
SA - thanks for the vote of confidence. So appreciated!
Driving to work this morning I found myself in this moment of overwhelming sadness. Just teared up at the loss. It was one of those moments that was really FELT. I hope that makes sense. I knew that it was a good thing - but it was something that I truly could feel - It made me realize that I have been doing a lot of "feeling" with my head but not my heart. This was heartsick sadness. So I keep this realization in the back of my mind all day. I come home from work and have a email from a friend about transition. It was Martha Beck on Maria Shriver's site and she was talking about how we have to learn to relax through these moments rather than fight the feelings. She said that waves of sadness often come in 90 second increments and that if we can learn to relax and let the feelings come rather than fight them then we are actually making progress. So - all you tenured posters have been right:) You just got to feel it. I have been fighting it - panicking - and I am suffering because of it. Seeing XH and OW together this weekend somehow unleashed these feelings.
I am very scared - but I have to stop fighting it.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Irish based on your experience today, I have to share with you that I went through something very similar a few weeks ago. I told my doctor my highs were really high, but the lows low and really visceral. She said that's actually a GREAT sign in that it means that I'm feeling again, that for all this time, I'd been numb in many ways. She said that when you start to have those brief moments of pain and heartache to just embrace them because it means you are feeling again, and you couldn't feel again if you weren't "ready" to. This is indicative of being over the "worst" of it all and coming back to ground to your own life. There was a time when we never thought we'd get through that night and look at us now, Irish. This is all really good progress. I'm proud of you!!!
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
IB, first of all, you did wonderfully! Secondly, I am not at all surprised by what the ow looks/seems like.
Thirdly, I know how scary this all is. But, you are doing it.
I would be worried if you didnt have moments of fear and sadness. This is a lifealtering thing to have happen.
I think that you sometimes feel you should be feeling or doing things in a certain way or that you should be at a certain point in all this.
We all get through this in our own time and in our own way. But I do know that the more you push things down, the more you will have to deal with later.
So, cry if you want to. Stomp your feet, hit your pillow. Yell in the shower. Allow yourself to feel, sweetie. Get it all out.
It will come in waves. But you will begin to notice the lows not so low and so frequent over time and the highs will be more and more steady.
Sweetie, this is all part of the journey. One in which we all didnt have to take, but, hopefully can grow and learn from.
