I have been quietly struggling with this new circumstance that has become my life. I am a divorced mother of 3. I can't seem to wrap my head around this situation. Where do I go from here? I know the answer is - anywhere I want to go - but it doesn't feel quite right yet. My relationships outside of that with my XH have never been stronger. I feel as though I am paying more attention to others = a trait I lost while living with XH's behaviors. But where I am struggling the most is trying to define what I want. I still engage in avoidance. I let myself down by not accomplishing enough - I don't push myself enough - I too easily avoid discomfort. How do I decide what it is I want?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Hey IB, first of all, I am, like, WOW, when I read your post. What a different person in such a short time!! You sound really terrific, actually. You sound clear and hopeful and forward-thinking!
As for how you decide what you are or what you want, honestly, I think it will just sort of come over you! I think as you start to do the things you love again and new things you'll feel your way into who you are.
Like you, I have a lot of really close relationships now with others that I didn't have before and better rel. with those I was closer to. I think that is actually part of our "new" identity, so you've already identified that part of what you want now is closer relationships with others.
But when you say that you can go anywhere you want but it doesn't feel quite right yet, then I think that means that your old self which had a sort of "pre-set life" in her mind still tries to hang on to you, but your new self is just looking at all these possibilities, and eventually, SHE will take over. If there is one thing that this experience does FOR us it may be that in taking away one path that we believed was ours for life, that we thought we WANTED for life, that we see how things can change at the drop of a hat--and so the GOOD part of that is that WE can change at the drop of a hat. So if you want something in your life tomorrow, you go work at it. And if you change your mind later, then you do. You just go with the flow.
Embrace the fact that you don't HAVE to decide what it is you want today and when you decide what you want, it will be effortless!
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
As you've been to my thread, I know you know that I am finding being D and Single after all these years a bit daunting. Nothing I didn't expect, but still scary and different.
Antonia is exactly right when she says we have strengthened relationships that had been taken for granted in favor of our H's behaviors. As you stated, we are closer to those that love us than perhaps ever before.
You are simply eager to 'get on with it' whatever that may be. You've been D'd for six weeks. I am the same way, and it has been less than a week. It's like, "Okay Lord, Now What??"
I myself have always been fiercely independent,but am finding myself at a loss after losing the 'umbrella' of marriage.
So here's the thing. Many of us are having to cross this unhappy finish line right now. None of us knows all the answers, because life experience will be different for all of us. What we DO have is each other. I myself am not ready to abandon this place and my friends here, as I find comfort and wisdom reading the different threads. As for the rest, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, breath in and breath out.
Sorry Irish….I want to modify your statement….How does I am a “strong”, “independent”, “caring”, “funny”, divorced mother of 3!
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But where I am struggling the most is trying to define what I want.
Maybe the struggle is not “defining” what you want as much as it may be being patient enough to allow what you want to just happen. Maybe the struggle is trying to “control, drive, shape” what you want instead of just being still and allowing what you want to take shape/form when it is time for it to take shape/form. I say this based on my own experiences of trying to hard to “force” the next steps. Just something to consider.
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How do I decide what it is I want?
Add 1 year of healing Add 1 year of just enjoying life day by day Add a few weeks over the course of the year to cry, whine, *itch and moan Add a vacation Add TIME (no amount is too much or too little)
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but your new self is just looking at all these possibilities, and eventually, SHE will take over
Spot on….when SHE is READY…not a day before and not a day after….it will just happen.
Take your time Irish….Take your time….rushing it will only cause more pain and confusion. Look up, bend the knees…he will answer in HIS time – NOT ours.
On a final note….do not be afraid to make mistakes. Do not be afraid to step outside your comfort zone. Do not be afraid to try something new.
Oh…and I agree with Punkin…ya sound soooo much different that months ago..so much so. Take stock in where you were and where you are and JUST HOW FAR you have come. Be proud of yourself!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I appreciate your take on this situation. Today I listened to Maria Shriver talk about her struggles with transition - and then heard that her 25 year marriage was breaking up. Felt empathy towards her circumstances - felt sadness for her.
Tomorrow my BFF is going with me to pick out paint for my "extreme makeover". It's a step in the right direction.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Step by step and day by day....it is all you can do.
Do me a little favor...for the next week...take a few minutes everyday to give thanks to what YOU do have in your life that is positives. Write them down.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Punkin, Good morning I've been following your posts and I just wanted to stop by and tell you I'm proud of the way you are handling " all of this " I see your growth, your determination to make a life for yourself, kids and grandkids. My name is Cindy WAW in 2007, I found this site a month after I left and it was a god send. I never started my own thread, It was just so confusing I honestly didn't know where to start. I didn't want a Divorce but i HAD to leave to think about me, my future, "our future " IF we were to have one.
I married my High School Sweetheart (Alcoholic / workaholic ) been together for 40 years OMG How did we get this old...lol We lost respect for each other but we never lost the trust that I feel is so necessary for a marriage to succeed,,,,other words there was no one else OM/OW involved in our stich....No kids no step kids.etc.
Sorry I feel like i'm highjackin your thread.anyway Hugs to you and yours and i love the color scheme waking up to bright everyday which i see in your future Your a strong lady
I still struggle with where do I go from here at times.
Time and being open to things as they come along, hve been my greatest allies.
Meditation has been a huge help to me. Praying works for lots of folks too. The simple act of asking for guidance makes you more "aware".
Awareness has put me on a path towards what will be the rest of my life. It can be daunting and scarey. Even knowing that I am at liberty to change course at any time, doesn't take the fear out of some of it. I move through it though.
I still don't have all the answers and know I never will. that's ok. I love an adventure
