Rebuilding a friendship...Thread #4

[Navyguy]

IC was interesting the other night. She asked me about my past relationship experience, of which I have very little. I was too busy for girls in high school and chased the same girl for most of college, but never “got” her.

Made me realize I am in a somewhat similar position with my W. I am giving love and not getting it back. IC said that that must be agonizing. I said yes, it is. She told me I have a great capacity for my willingness to suffer for love, and wondered where I learned that. I don’t really know. I know I did it for 3 years during college…so I figure I’ve got a bit left in the tank for this go-around. In the back of my mind I was thinking that I might have never experienced true love, even with W. I guess I have no way of knowing….that is a painful thought.

Then we got on to the topic of W’s past. She had an abusive (emotional, physical, and sexual) childhood, which I did not really learn much about until a few years ago. W has never formally dealt with any of these issues. IC said that a lot of W’s anger toward me is probably a side-effect of her past. She said she is worried that I am suffering from “secondary abuse”, i.e. my W is treating me like I have abused her, even though it wasn’t me. I guess I had pretty much already figured this out on my own, but it was interesting to hear someone else say it.
At the end of the session she asked me if the sessions were helping me. I told her I don’t know. I don’t feel like I’m really learning anything I didn’t know before, but that it is helping me to be able to vent. IC tends to focus on the past, and I told her I want to focus on what’s happening now.

W has been pretty friendly the last few days. Wednesday night I went downstairs to play Rock Band…she came down and joined me and ended up telling me all about her trip to New Orleans. I’m still seeing the baby steps…sometimes I think they’re just going in a circle though.

Patience, patience, patience…

[Timetotry]

Navy,

Stay strong, they are baby steps and your doing great. As for the IC, even if its just to vent, it helps you go through the process and give you something else to think about.

[JustStunned]

Patience, patience, patience

Yes, let her walk in at her own pace.

Your IC and mine may have studied from the same text. Scylla posted something about abuse a few months ago. It reminded me of all the sexual harassment training I receive each year. My principal take away is “It is more about what is perceived than what is intended” I wish I could find the thread.

You are doing well, keep executing….no pressure.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I think this is what you were looking for JustStunned: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=2122631&Searchpage=1&Main=48675&Words=physical%2C+emotional%2C+medical+abusie&Search=true#Post2122631

[Queen_of_Swords]

I think this is what you were looking for JustStunned let's try that again:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=2122631

[JustStunned]

Scylla, yes that was the post. Different thread, but the same post. Thank You.

Sorry for the thread jack Navy.

[Navyguy]

No problem, I learned something from SC's post...and I'll take the free bump anytime.

Things are still going ok with W...she's bouncing between warm and cold quite a bit, and I bounce between optimism and frustration (keeping it to myself, though).

I'll post a full update tomorrow...gotta run to IC now.

[Navyguy]

Update time:

I had a great weekend packed with GAL activities. I did a 9-hour mountain bike race on Saturday and then on Sunday I had a soccer game and Dragon Boat race practice (it’s like a giant canoe with 20 people in it, we’re racing this weekend). I had committed to these events before W decided to come back, so I was a bit nervous about leaving W at home with the kids for most of the weekend, since one of her past complaints was that I would do that.

When I talked to her before/during/after the weekend she seemed a little bit stressed out and distant, but overall things were still ok. I am trying to get off the AD meds I’ve been taking, so I have to be very careful not to backslide during this time.
My team ended up winning the mountain bike race. I didn’t get home until midnight on Saturday night, so I didn’t see W until Sunday morning. She told me congrats on winning the race, which was nice to hear.

Sunday we also all went to Chuck-E-Cheese together for D5’s friends’ birthday party. (Wow…just realized as I was typing this that on a previous thread I wrote that our whole family would go to Chuck-E-Cheese together again someday, and now it has happened. Funny how easy it is to focus on what’s missing in my M and overlook the positives these days). We all had a good time at CEC.

On the way home we passed by the community college that W is registering for. I asked her if her transcripts from her previous CC had come yet, because she has been waiting on them before she registers for classes so she would know what classes will transfer over to the new CC. She said yes they had come, but now the school wants her to register for classes before they will look at her transcripts for transfer credits. I suggested that she just sign up for classes and then change them based upon what transfers. She then told me classes start tomorrow (Monday), so she thought it was too late.

W has been on the fence between getting a job and going back to school, so then I asked her if she had called the Spouses’ employment program POC that I got for her awhile back. She said no, and that the number wasn’t in her phone anymore. She then told me that she doesn’t know what kind of job she could get that wouldn’t require putting the kids in daycare. At this point I was pretty frustrated, so I just listened and validated, and left it at that. I thought getting back into work or school was very important to W, but her actions seem to be saying otherwise.

Since Sunday, I have thought about what she said, and decided that I should reiterate my support for whatever she decides she wants to do. Last night before bed I told her this: “You know how we were talking about your school and work the other day? I just want to make sure you know that I will support whatever you want to do. I want you to be happy and I will do whatever I can to support whatever decision you make.” She said ok.

On to Monday. I had IC. My IC seems pretty convinced now that I am experiencing “Secondary Trauma” from W’s past. She really focuses on me…I guess she wants to make sure that I’m doing ok with the pain that I’ve chosen to put myself through by standing for my M. I understand and appreciate that, but I ended up leaving IC more frustrated than I was beforehand. Driving home from IC I thought about the whole weekend and how W had seemed distant the past few days. In the past, I would have gone home and pushed W’s buttons to get her to tell me why she’s not talking to me much. Instead, I decided that I would stop by the store on the way home to get W some flowers to thank her for making it possible for me to do all my GAL activities over the weekend. I gave her the flowers, said thanks and that I had a fun weekend, and she thanked me for them.

Later Monday night W asked me what I want to do for my birthday. I hadn’t really thought about it and wasn’t expecting her to ask, so I didn’t have an answer for her. It sounds like she's wanting to do something for me...but I don't want to ask for much at this point.

That’s the highlights of the last few days. I’ve been considering proposing a date night (dinner & movie) sometime soon. We’ll see how the next couple days go.

[Redo]

Navy, I think you are doing very good, keeping up your spirits through this hard time. I think that is very good. The more your wife sees you upbeat and happy, I think the good vibes might rub off on her.

Keep the good stuff going !

[Navyguy]

Blah...just realized it's been 8 months since I last ML. Not really important at this point, but still a pretty frustrating thing to think about.