"(Bridge:) It's a paradox Full of contradictions How I got from there to here It defies all logical explanation"
There is a logical explanation as to why "we" keep coming back to this place.
We both are choosing it.
I am just not sure why.
Let me give you an example..
She said in C that the issue of me not wanting my son to sleep in the bed was because she thinks our bedroom needs to be a freak show. I am not a freak show kind of guy. I clearly have not implied in any way, shape or form that this must happen.
Basically what she was saying is that she thinks me moving my son every night is because I want sex. And this is why I make a big deal about it.
To a point.. she is right.
But.. there are SO many things wrong with that thought that I don't even know where to start in changing things.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I keep delaying posting to you because I want to give you the kind of line-by-line analysis that you give folks. But I'll be waiting forever, because that isn't who I am, in general. I'm just going to speak to you from my heart.
This is the way it often goes after someone has 'won'/become successful. You just haven't had your heart filled. In fact NEITHER of you are getting your heart filled. That's some serious, REALLY hard work and at the heart of DBing.
In fact, it's at the heart of my issues with some of the posters in the past. They want to deal with tricks to get a spouse back, make generalizations about what is attractive to someone, and not really deal with the hearts involved, the things that make love last.
You ask 'Where Does it Stop'....the truth is never. Even if you choose to end your marriage, to give up, you will still deal with her over the kids, the heartache will not stop, or the 'deadness'...the interactions and the desires don't stop. If you begin again with someone else, the same things come up. And new things. And you work through it, or think you have, and then come to this place again.
The light, and the dark of it is....working through it HERE and NOW. Because if you really do what really fills her heart and she really does what really fills your heart, you love strong, you believe in love, you lose the chance to feel jaded again. That's a good thing.
You're worth it. Your wife is worth it. Learning to love powerfully and put to the side the things that mean nothing, the things that are for self medication, the things that let her feel less respect and less motivated to give you what you need.
I understand that when we women talk about our needs we are not logical, even when we think we're being clear and letting you know exactly what you need to do we are all over the place and we connect everything we've ever had a feeling about, and then it becomes this big overwhelming thing that you can't possibly win.
But it doesn't play out that way. And when you do make strides, esp with the more important things, they will have more weight, and the smaller things will go away.
You may have already tried this, but if you explain that just being alone in the bed, just you and her makes you feel closer with her and more intimate, even when you aren't having sex, that you feel that you two having the closeness/intimacy will lead to greater love and affection between you and (framing it for her/selling it to her) give your children more security by having their parents be even closer and more in love.
Knowing the way to her heart is through the kids and parenting, it may help to talk to her/frame things through that lense. That isn't a trick. It really does help you see things more clearly from her perspective, and helps broaden her perspective, and lets her see your side a bit better.
I hope that is helpful. I care about you and I hope that you are able to build a relationships that makes you really happy.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
"I keep delaying posting to you because I want to give you the kind of line-by-line analysis that you give folks. But I'll be waiting forever, because that isn't who I am, in general. I'm just going to speak to you from my heart."
I don't want you to go line by line. That is what I do. Honestly at this point I don't care what anyone says. Just say something. I don't expect people to respond to me the way I post. I just expect "something".
"OK I finally get it. This means see above. Nothing below this."
Sarcasm.. FB? I did not know you had it in you. I did LOL a bit at it. At the same time I am really sure that DBmod did not mean it that way. So I will post.
"This is the way it often goes after someone has 'won'/become successful. You just haven't had your heart filled. In fact NEITHER of you are getting your heart filled. That's some serious, REALLY hard work and at the heart of DBing."
This I agree with to a point. The main reason I question it is that.. when do "we" expect more from the other person. Me and my wife are not that far "off" from the goal. She just has it in her mind that I am really far off. She can't "see" beyond that. She keeps saying she wants me to get some balls. But I will assure you if I do that.. I will get a bi7ch* response. As an example today.. we have these under cabinet lights. There are some wires hanging down. They have been that way for a while. It is (was) a 30 min job. But yesterday it became important. I tried with the tools I had.. and they were not enough. I needed better ones. I told her exactly that. Today I got the task assigned to me again. When I questioned whether that was the best task to be focused on.. I got the "if you don't want to talk about it speech". I told her I was not trying to be a a$$ but I just thought her time could be better spent elsewhere. So.. long story short.. I got the tool and finished the job. She is still not happy with me. I did not even get a thank you. As a side note.. in C the conversation went to a point where she did compliment me on my actions. I being me.. did not hear it. The C even pointed out that I did not respond to it. He asked me why I did not. My answer was.. "cause that is what I do. I fix things." I do it at work.. I do it at home. Neither place is somewhere I am "happy".
So.. where do I change things SG?
I did read it all.. but to me this is where I need to focus. It is the day to day stuff that seems to be screwing me up. I may come back to your post. But for now I just want to see what people have to say.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
My 'DB' knowledge would prompt me to tell you that you aren't quite meeting something she's expecting/you haven't quite identified it.
My human/friend side of me says...I just don't like your wife/she's cranky.
The most valuable thing is to find out what it is from the DB side, because that's what you can change. I know you've already tried, you've tried asking her, you've tried changing things, yadayada.
You fix things. (My guy does that too.) Sometimes we want romance. It would be nice if she could 'see' you fixing things as being her hero and being romantic. I've learned to do that for my guy because I'm rarely gonna get diamonds and lots of roses. And the truth is, what he brings is MUCH more valuable. Much more so.
I can smack her for you if you'd like. I run that side service.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
1 - make changes knowing you going to be doing alot of if not all the heavy lifting at first, and for awhile. Try to improve your relationship with your wife.
2 - accept the status quo and a loveless marriage, wait to die.
3 - get a divorce.
You're posting here, so I'm pretty sure it's #1 even though you bitchh about already having done all the work, and you're tired.
And you want to know the changes to start making.
Well none of the 'changes' are going to have an immediate affect or impact...not unless they are horrible changes. Bad behaviour tends to get instant consequences.
The 5 Love Languages... and while I am tired of books.
I believe we get what we give, eventually.
What is her love language? Start small, keep doing it. See if she responds in some sort of kind.
DB, makes changes and monitor results.
Try being nice without expectations, it cannot upset you anymore than you are already. Well it can...but that's because you let it. "Why isn't she responding? Why isn't she being nice back? Why don't I have a pony?"
You're here she's not.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
""OK I finally get it. This means see above. Nothing below this."
Sarcasm.. FB? I did not know you had it in you. I did LOL a bit at it. At the same time I am really sure that DBmod did not mean it that way. So I will post."
No, it was a ploy for copious postings with minimal effort on my part.
