... I think that my best course of action is to continue being consistent and refocus myself on being patient.
While I do worry that I am being too available to my W and am pursuing her too strongly right now, I worry more that pulling away to see if she will draw closer will only validate her concerns that I have not truly changed and will eventually revert back to old behaviors. That interpretation of my actions by her would be devastating to my situation. I can't risk that right now and I think that it is a strategy that I can save for a later time IF things take more of a turn for the worse.
She calls you, and lets you know when he is at a gig. I see her trying?
Is she blowing smoke up your kilt?
Do you have good reason to belive she is?
Good reason?
Because outright accusing her of still contacting him without any proof, and you look like some paranoid control freak.
You know, there might be some times when she doesn't tell you he was at a gig, to avoid the obvious discomfort it creates in you and really probally because she doesn't want to deal with it.
I agree don't be naive, if she is out 6 hours past a gig, and has condom wrappers in her purse, don't bury your head in the sand.
But don't be insisting that the other guy is still around when she is trying to prove otherwsie.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
(TALK ABOUT DAMNED IF YOU DO, DAMNED IF YOU DON'T!)
She is still in contact with the other man! Don't be naive.
Naive? Please... It would be really difficult to go through life without the ability to have trust in people... at all. If she is still in contact with OM, I have no idea when that would be. She is either with me, at work, or taking care of her son at all times.
I'm on the lookout for signs of what you are saying McQueen, because it is only natural. But I'm not going to act like a paranoid freak either. As Bond said, I have absolutely no reason, let alone a good reason, to think that this is true.
She has been honest with me up to this point. If I can't trust her to continue to be so, then I shouldn't be trying to reconcile my M at all.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver you can answer the questions I asked here or not.
Answer them for yourself.
Thanks Gritter. I do want to answer your questions, but literally been too busy with work to really consider what you have said. It's been kind of like trying to read Socrates while inside a burning home lately. LOL...
In the meantime, I'm going back to patience with W and backing off just a wee bit in my interactions with her.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You've set a timetable. It has not been met when you thought it should be.
You went from no contact to A LOT of contact in short time.
Do you keep a journal?
Go back and read from when you went to dinner with your W to today and you will see it was not long ago.
You expecting a certain outcome by now and it has not happened and now you are disappointed.
What you are trying to do is bring a M back from the dead or in other words go from infant stage to adult stage but you wanted on your timetable.
Notice the theme here.
Contact with OM?
I get that part but you have accepted this part of the R when you said you forgave her.
You also accepted when she told you that she will not end it overnight. You told her you understood.
Do you?
Of course I am already D and sometimes we see our actions after they happen much better than when you are involved in it but I live by my words now much more so than when I was still M.
Every action I took every word i spoke although I meant it I said them to get my W back.
She is gone.
I am moving on.
I still give her the same love because I no longer expect to save anything. I have learned to live them through actions.
Erase the timetable
Erase what you think she should do or not do at this point/
Erase your desire to speed the process along.
Erase the illusion of the control you want to have
Erase the anxiety of OM, if you Trust your W then trust her if you don't then what are you trying to save and why?
Go back to the beginning of the process when you were thinking clearly and logical and expecting very little.
Go back to the beginning of the process when you were thinking clearly and logical and expecting very little.
Be patient.
Be the better person that you have become
I really like 2step's advice here. Denver, you have come a long way, but the battle is not finished. Stay your course. Look how far it has gotten you so far. Patience.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Thanks Gritter. I do want to answer your questions, but literally been too busy with work to really consider what you have said. It's been kind of like trying to read Socrates while inside a burning home lately. LOL...
In the meantime, I'm going back to patience with W and backing off just a wee bit in my interactions with her.
