I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[awest1217]

I agree. I have not been through the course, but enough of my family and friends have and I know it works. My brother has done this and it is amazing. He does make a lot, but they live with just a mortgage and have their savings and everything, which has helped because his job is insurance so some months are great and others aren't. Plus they have had some medical issues lately and have had the money to pay it without a problem.

I am going to be doing the same thing. I have S that I need to save for because I know by the time he goes to college it is going to be outrageous, but I also know that I need to be prepared myself for the right now or the in case. Once the D is finalized I will be able to save better than I am now, but now that I have had my spending binge of getting a bunch of new clothes and things, I am ready to really buckly down and save, although I feel there are other things that I want or things I could save for, I know that if I follow the steps I will be better off like my brother and his family.

So the same with you. You can put higher amounts in later once the other is taken care of. One step at a time. It does work.

[ClingingToHope]

KML, I understand what Dave is saying. To save that much could take two or more years and D12 is six years from college. So I'm taking a calculated risk and deviating from that part of the plan.

I hope to have the car paid off in six months and then I'll just be down to a 401(k) loan and then I'll be able to aggressively save AND put money into the college funds.

On the career side, I'm in about as strong a position as I can be. The only way I'm out is if the business closes. I'm trying to prepare for the future though by training in web analytics.

[ClingingToHope]

The Divorce Rebuilding class started up again. Another seven Tuesdays. It's the fourth time I've gone through it. I don't listen as much to the actual message. I'm there more for the hour-long small group discussion after.

You get mixed messages some time. Last night, I stayed after to talk to a guy at the table. He said by listening to me I'm not "done" with STBXW and thinks I shouldn't be pushing the divorce if I don't really want it.

One of the group leaders agreed.

They are both guys though.

The lady in the leadership group said "it takes two" to fix things and STBXW hasn't shown any willingness she wants to work on it.

She's also shown no real interest in actually finishing the divorce.

They had me bouncing back and forth.

I woke up this morning feeling a little bit more clear-headed. I have to get the divorce done. While that "door" remains open every interaction between us goes right to that 1 percent that won't let go.

And, of course, the finances. The longer I wait the longer it takes for me to clean up my finances. That means the longer I have to wait to start saving money for college and family vacations.

[awest1217]

I hear you CTH. My D is going on 8 months and considering H is living with OW and never says he wants to stay married, he is not doing what he can to get this done. I have tried everything to get it done, but I am always waiting on H which doesn't help matters because I can't move on either.

I think it will be good for you to get the D over with, not that down the road you may reconcile, but at least this way you can move on without that cord holding you back.

[ClingingToHope]

Another step in the road to acceptance. Had day off today -- last week of spring break for girls -- and when girls got here in the morning D8 pulled me aside and said -- "mom made me swear not to tell you but she said she's never coming back to you."

I told her it was OK.

She said she was sad and doesn't want us to get divorced. She's worried she won't see me anymore.

I said she'll see me exactly as much as she sees me now. The way things have been for the last two years won't change.

I went downstairs to do some laundry and ... it was kind of a mix of hurt and anger to hear that again BUT it also was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

She keeps dragging her feet on the divorce and that makes me wonder -- especially when others tell me stories of divorces that stopped at the last second.

But enough is enough. I have my house. I have my second jobs lined. I have a financial plan in place. I have a social network. I have a health plan.

I have everything I need except finality.

Each day -- with occasional setbacks -- I feel less nostalgia for the troubled M. I really wonder and can't wait to feel like what it will be like to be with someone who is actually interested in me.

[ClingingToHope]

GM, I am glad you let your daughter go to the wedding. It beats having to explain endlessly for years why you didn't.

More steps on the road to acceptance.

Saturday and Sunday went really well with the girls. Sunday night we were all in the living room and I noticed some traits they are picking up from STBXW and MIL and even SIL.

Alarm bells went off in my head and I fully, and perhaps some would say finally, realized that I don't like STBXW or her mom or her sisters or her bestfriend.

I never have. I always put up with them because it was part of the deal, but deep down I always hoped I could convince STBXW to move away so we could get away from the nutcases.

Of course, I started panicking inside because I only have them 40 percent of the time. The other 60 percent they are with STBXW and can't help but pick up some of her issues.

That's another post for another day. Sunday, I realized I really want nothing to do with the person she turned out to be. I keep remembering the person she appeared to be when I married her.

[ClingingToHope]

And another one bites the dust. A guy I know through work -- he owns a bunch of houses in town so I talk to him about real estate issues -- calls up to tell me he's getting divorced.

Last year, he and his wife split but after a few months they got together. But it wasn't going well and he fell into the same Internet temptations and she told him in counseling it's over.

Listening to him, I hear myself right after the breakup. He doesn't believe that it's over ....

I told him my biggest mistake was not seeing an attorney right away.

It's weird being the voice of experience on this subject.

It's weird at work right now too. Lady behind me is divorced and switching all of her stuff and doesn't close the door when talking about this stuff and I don't want to hear it.

The gaggle of girls in front of me are all having babies and in their first five years of marriage and ... it's tough sometimes to be happy for them. I remember those days when D12 and D8 were just being born.

Otherwise, things are good. The grudging realization that deep down I don't really like STBXW and am terrified the girls will end up with her issues is helping. I just made a bad bet. She was a trophy wife in a way -- pretty to look at and that's about it.

A week from today is the consultation with the bankruptcy attorney. At that point, I basically stop paying on the two credit cards STBXW stuck me with.

That's going to be freeing in a way, but I'll also have a long slog ahead in bankruptcy. I just checked my email. I had a court date this morning. I haven't heard anything since the last one so another month goes by with no resolution.

[ClingingToHope]

Uggghhhh. Last night was my night with the girls. I pick them up from after-school care. D8 is having a meltdown. I had to carry her outside, then I let her run off steam on the playground.

I'm happy with that.

The day before D12 and D8 had counseling sessions. STBXW didn't tell me until 30 minutes before I was supposed to leave and get them. She texted me to say she'd pick them up and take them.

I didn't think anything of it for a while ... then my brain started to wander. Why counseling now? Divorce still isn't done. Is she trying to build a case to change visitation?

While D8 was on playground cooling off, I asked D12 about the counseling session and she said STBXW told her to bring up several of D8's blowups at my house.

That kind of confirmed my thoughts that this might not be an innocent appointment for the girls' sake.

More shake-your-head moments. In the car ride on the way home, D8 brings up the fact she wants a little brother. D12 chimes in saying that STBXW told them she wanted to try for a third child, but we never talked about it.

More revisionist history.

We talked about going for a boy, but her mom had three girls and we were struggling with two so she point blank said she didn't want another. So I went and had a vasectomy. I only did that because she didn't want to have to take birth control for another 15 years and we weren't going to try for a third.

Tack it on to the list of things I thought I was doing for her that it turns out later she didn't want after all.

I actually had to pull the car over and rub my temples after hearing that one.

Today, though, I feel better about it. A third kid would have just made things worse between us and there'd be three kids struggling with being a part of divorce.

Anyway, I was just going to let the counseling thing go until I remembered our latest church/divorce session was on conflict resolution and just letting things go is like clogging a toilet. Eventually, it overflows.

So I sent an email telling her I was going to ask for a report from Dr. Ward and asking why they had the counseling sessions. I told her in the email that when I heard they were going I thought she might be trying to build a record to change the visitation schedule, and I didn't want those feelings to fester.

We'll see how that turns out. Burying conflict buried the marriage so I might as well try something different.

[whatisis]

It is completely inappropriate for her to set up counselling sessions for your children without discussing this with you. You are co-parenting and these decisions need to be made with that in mind. I think it's good that you called her on this but maybe stating that your concern is from a co-parenting perspective might have made the point without sounding fearful. Your fears about time with your kids being threatened are very normal. I refused to move from my home until I had a SA in place for that very reason. I told her "you've taken enough from me, I won't even take the smallest chance of losing my kids!" Anyway, I'd be curious to hear STBX's reply.

[ClingingToHope]

More junk. I get home with the girls today and there's a letter from my L. On Tuesday, her attorney shows up at the status hearing and asks to set a trial date.

Everything is decided and he wants a trial.

My attorney says instead let's set up a pre-trial conference with the judge and he can give guidance how to settle this.

I read it a few times. A trial? For what? More money.

Finally, I call STBXW and tell her what the letter says. She doesn't know what a trial means. I tell her it means we have to have depositions, both go to court, take the stand and a judge decides.

I tell her I don't get it, everything is decided. Why do we need a trial.

She tells me it isn't what she wants and she doesn't know what her attorney is doing.

I responded that I haven't wanted to say anything, but I checked her attorney out and he's the worst one in town. He rarely gets clients and when he does he sits and sits and sits so he can have multiple status hearings and collect fees. Now, he's trying to get a trial when there's nothing left to discuss. That would cost both of us at least $500.

She says she'll call him.

Of course, after the call I'm satisfied and disappointed. Most of me just wants this over. I can't stand this hanging over my head. Then there's the 1 percent that won't die that hopes she'd say, "well... I've been thinking about things ...."

That may never go away. But I need to move forward on the bankruptcy, dating, saving ... all of that and I can't until this is over.