2 years later it's still not getting easier

[whitneypinch]

Ok, here is a quick update.

Yes, I have gone dim with my XW. We have 2 kids so I still have contact with her every few days. We both share duties of getting the kids to all their sports etc.

In the last month I have been out with my XW and the kids 4 times. She has initiated each time, as the kids were with me at the time.
I don't think my XW is doing it to spend time with me. I think she just wants the kids to see we all get along well.

I will say it's still a roller coaster of emotions. I do miss her, but many times think I miss the thought of her and being a family. It's lonely for a lot of us on here. One day you are a family and then one day you are sitting alone with no one.

I have made a really great life with my kids now. We do everything together and travel a lot. I don't even know if my XW would even fit into our new lifestyle anymore.

On a side note my EX has become so skinny from working out and changing her diet that I have become worried. I really can't do anything about it but hope that it get's better. I have a feeling that she may be starting to struggle.

Anyway, sorry I have not posted in a long time. I am just living day by day. Some days are good and some days are not as good.
I will encourage anyone to try to pull back from their Xs. It really is better and makes it easier to deal with. We all end up doing this when we are finally strong enough. I just wish I was strong enough to have done that when this first happened 3 years ago.
When I do go out with my XW and our kids I find I am sad for about 24 hours afterwards. But I guess I still do it with the "hope" that something may change for her.

[christienick]

thanks for the update

[christienick]

update?

[whitneypinch]

Hi there !

Thanks for checking in.
Well, not much to report. Have been out a number of times with my x and our kids.

X and I went to see a family therapist to make sure everything is ok with our 8 year old daughter. It turns out that our daughter is having trouble understanding why we are divorced. Geee I wonder why she thinks that considering we all go out as a family and hug each other on occasion.

Needless to say we will not be going out as a family anymore. Pretty much all the family therapists highly recommend against going out as a family as it is too confusing for the kids......

So, I don't really contact my x but she contacts me every few days over kids stuff. She is always pleasant but that is about it.

So that is the update.

[Augtan]

Wow..I had no clue the family therapist would say that, I know they would in our case cause we always end up fighting and I cry, because we were still intimate and he stayed at my house and such, but if things are good and you get along around them, I would think it would show them that you can get along and such.

I understand it might be confusing too though. But, I have had several adult friends whos parents did this when they were kids and even had holidays with everyone including step parents and step kids, and they seemed to appreciate it and like that they knew that their parents could be in the same room for graduations, weddings, etc.

I finally have detatched from my ex. I just hung up with him and that was the first time I had had any real contact with him in weeks. We did have issues with our D18 and I talked to him briefly then and he texted me and emailed me on Mother's Day, but that is it, nothing like before and I haven't been anxious or counting the "no contact days" etc. He is a lost soul and is very broken. He doesn't want to do anything about it and he doesn't even want to change his lifestlye to have his kids in his life. For the last four years I have tried to be good to him and such, and now I am finally ready to make it only about me and my kids, he is out of the picture. He had his chance and he blew it, actually many chances. He comes up here in a week for D18's HS graduation, he is not invited to the family party, he is not staying at my house, I hope he doesn't even speak to me. There is nothing left to say or do, that is how real divorce is and we are really divorced!! It is beyond sad and my D12 is very messed up by all that has gone on. She will never be who she would have been had this not happened, but now I just have to pick her up and do the best I can to help her. My life was about trying to fix him so my kids could have their dad back, trying to show him I had changed and that he should want me and the kids back, I thought if I could succeed in that it would benefit my kids so much, but I can't do it and I have to stop trying, it is only about my kids now and I will not walk on egg shells for him anymore.

Sorry I hijacked with my own update, but it has been so long and I was glad to see you back on here too. I have been away for awhile and it has helped me detatch and move on. Hang in there!

A

[whitneypinch]

Hi Augtan,

I am glad that you posted your update. It helps me too.

I am sorry to hear your D12 is having a hard time. I am a child of divorce and it's not easy.

I just can't seem to separate myself from my X. I really think she just wants us all to get along great and all be happy. As I said I don't contact her anymore but seem to get sucked back in when she contacts me.

Oh well, lives moves on....

You hang in there too.

[christienick]

i think this whole thread (divorced but not done) only goes to prove that the wayward spouses never come back except once in a blue moon, and that the marriages are done for good. i would wonder what michelles opinion would be on this - that is to say, is there a plan divorce-busting plan once youre divorced, or is it time to go forward.

[whitneypinch]

I think it's time to move forward.

I have been on these boards for 3 years now and only know of a handful of spouses that have come back.
I would also "guess" that is only the men that come back.

[AtTheEnd?]

I think it's time to move forward.

I have been on these boards for 3 years now and only know of a handful of spouses that have come back.
I would also "guess" that is only the men that come back.

Funny enough, I was discussing this very thing on another thread. This seems to be the consensus. The women rarely ever return. Once they are done, they are done for good. They never come back.

Part of my thread:

"There have to be changes in the person that left too. That person has to be able to acknowledge that they had a part in the deterioration of the marriage too. There are so many factors involved, perhaps that's why it's so very rare for a woman to return.

True change is very difficult for all parties. Someone has to be supremely motivated to do so, and even then, if it isn't for the right reason, it won't be true. There has to be enough time and interest from the partner that left to acknowledge and believe the changes. Ultimately, to come back means that the partner that left has some fault as well. This is too difficult for some to admit. That would mean the pain and suffering caused to the entire family wasn't necessary and that is too large of a burden to admit.

So many factors, the odds of anyone returning must be slim to none."

[whitneypinch]

yep !

Most of the change happens with the LBS. We are forced to go through such trauma that positive change is usually the by-product.
The Walk Away generally does not go through as deep of a trauma therefor is not as motivated to look deeply to what needs to be done.

In the end either you are committed to marriage or it's disposable.
Unfortunately we have become a disposable culture that was started in the late 70's with the Me Generation. (be happy at all costs)

Just like the environmental crisis most people are going to have to see catastrophic negative results until they start to change their values and ways.