Lees' lives it up again

[lees]

I miss her so much.

This is such a [censored] situation. I know she has not meant any malice in this situation, she just didn't know what to do when she started feeling out of love with me. And when she finally responded to me asking, it seems to have been too late.

Now we are both making token efforts in something that was fantastic, amazing and had all the tick boxes to really go the distance but is probably now too far gone to resolve because we both took our foot off the relationship pedal at the same time.

I hate it. Hate it. HATE IT. Such a wasted opportunity.

[OnMyWay]

lees, buddy, take it easy. I know you're hurting, but as everyone on here reminds us, it's not over until we decide it is. My WAW has been continually reinforcing the fact that we are done, yet contradicts herself when she let's her guard down. You just never know until it's over. We can believe what they tell us.

By all your post, it sounds like you have plenty of opportunity. Chin up, bro. Get yourself together and get DBing. This isn't the end of your life, it's the beginning!

[OnMyWay]

We can believe what they tell us.

Sorry, that you CAN'T believe what they tell us. Standard DB principle: Don't believe anything they say and only 50% of what we see.

[lees]

But exactly what does "get myself together" mean? The strong thing to do here would be to say:

"Thanks, but no thanks, I'm done with limbo. I'm moving out on Tue next week."

My issue with that is that it puts us in seperate cities, with no contact except for the actual moving of my stuff. I see the point of NC - it isn't to save the relationship, it's to save the LBS. Possibly not the right tack when she's saying she's only 80% sure it's over and agreeing to counselling.

Otherwise I'm doing the same work, social activities, housework etc as I was before we met. Possibly a little more work pressure at the moment, but that's the only difference, along with the current house hunting for somewhere else to live.

[lees]

Is it ever possible to get someone to read something without them knowing you want them to read it? I don't have an ally to deliver it for me unfortunately. I don't have anyone I can turn to from her family or friends that I think would be interesting in helping to save our relationship rather than view it as an unfair manipulation.

[Mach1]

But exactly what does "get myself together" mean?

I've booked another counselling session in the hope she might attend. I've sent her an email explaining why I got so upset and acknowledging that work commitments are huge for her at the moment.

Not like this....


Yourself....define...yourself

You do things for YOU, not in hopes of anything other than you becoming a better person throughout the process. You cannot put any hope into "convincing" her of anything.

Once you can work on you, then your focus changes.



What was her deal before you met ?

Where was she at in life ?

Previous relationship just failed ?

There is little back ground here Lees, would you mind filling us in more ?

Is it ever possible to get someone to read something without them knowing you want them to read it? I don't have an ally to deliver it for me unfortunately. I don't have anyone I can turn to from her family or friends that I think would be interesting in helping to save our relationship rather than view it as an unfair manipulation.

Why you would WANT anyone else in your relationship ?

Such a wasted opportunity

Only if YOU waste it Lees....

[OnMyWay]

Only if YOU waste it Lees....

Agreed Mach1.

The strong thing to do here would be to say:

"Thanks, but no thanks, I'm done with limbo. I'm moving out on Tue next week."

lees, my question is, if you want to be together, why are you moving out? What is it YOU want? Why is it this the "strong" thing to do? She is the WAW, but it seems like you are helping her and then you complain about the way you are treated.

That's what I mean about "Get yourself together." Step up here and start doing things for you and you alone. Do what you want. Take care of yourself first and let you WAW worry about herself. Go to counseling - that's great, but go for yourself. Don't go "hoping" your W will mysteriously join you and everything will be ok.

And cut the covert stuff. It never works. It's sneaky and unappreciated. Plus, as Mach1 says, you are then introducing other elements into your R - there are enough there already. The idea is to remove unneeded elements.

Such a wasted opportunity

Only if YOU waste it Lees....

Exactly the point. Get busy.

[lees]

I am busy. I work a 50 hr week. I am working towards exams for the last time (thank heavens). I go running. I see my friends. I socialise. I play music. I have been staying with friends for last 5 days, she doesn't know where, or what I am doing. I let her know I was safe and when I would be back, and told her I'd booked counselling as I would find it beneficial and she could come if she liked.

She has moved her work commitments in order to come to counselling. This is a big positive. She also stated how positive she found the last session.

My previous is a 3yr relationship which ended in marriage and then fell apart because a few weeks after getting back from honeymoon the XW was sleeping with one of my best mates and my work colleague. I fought hard for that one too initially, but they rode off into the sunset eventually, and I decided I didn't want her in the end if she could exhibit that kind of behaviour with no remorse. We divorced, which I found very difficult as I've always believed that marriage is for life and you don't just give up when it hits a rocky patch. But she obviously didn't have the same views in the end, despite spouting them ad nauseum to me before we tied the knot. I never got any other feedback from her about what was missing in our relationship. I have had 3 other long term relationships of between 3 and 5 yrs which finished on good terms as we ended up in different stages of life with different ideals to follow. I am still friends with these exs.

Her previous is a 10yr relationship and a few 6 month ones since. She was single for about 8 months before we met.

We have broken up. She broke up with me. I am living in HER house. It is not a joint house. She owns the deeds, pays the mortgage. I have no claim on it (I own my own property but it is 400 miles away). I find it difficult to stay on that basis, although I think as long as we are attending counselling together I will endeavour to do so.

Prior to meeting we are both in similar stages of life. Careers gone well, decent jobs, financially secure, want to settle down and have a family. That is both our deals.

And now, I have the joys of night shifts until Monday morning.

[OnMyWay]

Awesome that she's going to counseling, that's a good sign. I may have said this already, but like my DB Coach always says, look for the small signs. That's a pretty good one.

I was thinking of her being only 80% sure she wanted out. Reminded me of the old Pareto Principle - or 80/20 rule - where 80% of the effects come from only 20% of the causes. If she's only 80% ready to leave, then focus on the 20% that causing her to feel this way. A 20% change isn't all that much, when you think about it.

[lees]

I was thinking of her being only 80% sure she wanted out. Reminded me of the old Pareto Principle - or 80/20 rule - where 80% of the effects come from only 20% of the causes. If she's only 80% ready to leave, then focus on the 20% that causing her to feel this way. A 20% change isn't all that much, when you think about it.

Absolutely. I was so chuffed when the counsellor asked how sure she was and she gave reasons of "not feeling in love" which turns out mainly to be about desire, and "not seeing a future for us together anymore" and couldn't think of anything else. The counsellor said "Is that all? That's not much for 80% sure and can all be fixed." I wanted to jump up and shout "YES!"