Hi Punkin, It has been a very long journey and I'm still here. Many days I ask myself why? H has really treated me badly at times but underneath it all I could see a glimmer of hope, I could recognise that love was still always there. I've hung on to that tiny glimmer.
H and I were very happy for so many years but as business and family demands increased we lost our way and unhappiness set in. No decent communication about our feelings and a life threatening illness sent things into a huge downward spiral.
I want the chance to see if we can work towards a better relationship. Will I get the chance? Who knows but things are the strongest they've been for ages.
So today I had an unexpected visit to the hospital (whenever I go to a doctor they expect the very worst but the hospital felt the call was 'over the top') so I called H to be with D as I knew there would be lots of waiting. He came to our house and did a little job for me and then took D to his house. He rang me twice to see what was happening but didn't show he was overly concerned, perhaps a little detached.
When I was finished I text H to tell him I was on my way and he invited me to have dinner once again. We didn't stay long because D had homework and I was tired after a long day.
Thanks for the affirmation GAG. I can see progress too.
I am happy that your little adventure to the hospital was not all that serious
I see so many good things happening with your H. His actions are showing care and concern even though he is not using words to express it. Actions Speak Louder Than Words!!!
He is expressing ideas to you that make your current day to day a lot easier. So many positives:
Making meals for you and daughter. Suggesting he help you so you can sleep in. Helping daughter with homework. Driving daughter to obligations. Calling with concerns for your health and well-being. Buying and installing the DVD player. Working on the "around the house to do" list. This man is thinking about Christmas, WOW!!! It's 8 months away. I've never met a man who was overly concerned for Christmas even when there was 24 hours left to go!!!!!! I bet you have more....
Your H has been making progress behind the scenes. He is once again making effort and trying to repair the damages. Every time he comes out into the light, he is better at reconnecting and shows more compassion than his previous peek. This time feels different. He is different. He also lingers longer.
Just like GAG, your expectations must remain at NONE. You know this as does she. Do not lose sight of the possibilities in front of you....You have reasons for hope.
I want this for you so very much, you are sooo deserving of love, happiness, trust, respect and forgiveness. Your H is showing you all of these things right now. Your H is experiencing the same reciprocating feelings from you too!!! Commitment is going to be one of the last remaining actions you will see. It is possible that it will happen so slowly that one day it will just be....
(((((Cas))))) my friend, please take care. You are a remarkable and resilient lady with so much to offer. Good things are going to happen for you.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
For anyone reading this, I thank you for all your support.
Yesterday at Couples Counseling I had the most difficult time, I cried through most of it. I came home physically exhausted. I came home without any hope. I came home absolutely ill.
Our appointment was at 11:00am (a two hour session), even with the snowstorm we were on time. H had expressed interest in court to try this as a possible solution to resolving our problems. It was apparent from the moment we arrived, H turned cold and disconnected.
Upon our arrival we were greeted by the cutest little chocolate Cocker Spaniel I have ever seen. He was a lovely little dog with excellent manners. His master (Dr. R), we were about to speak raw and frankly with, appeared several minutes later. Dr. R is a warm, soft spoken and kind man. You could see his passion for his profession and he was very direct and he didn't mince words.
I had chosen a male therapist I found in our area. I found a man who is pro-marriage and solution oriented. He has almost 40 years as a couples counselor, is married, a Dad and a Grand-Dad.
H appeared initially annoyed by the sight of the little dog. He grew increasingly uncomfortable by the soft-spoken manner of Dr. R.
First, we were asked what he could do for us and what did we want to gain.
I said I wanted to reconcile our marriage. My commitment to stand for my marriage has been unwaivered now for over 5 years and that it was so very important to me for the three of us.
H asked if he could either help us figure out how to reconcile the marriage OR figure out how to end it. I think H wanted more help with how to end it.
I was asked to speak first about "us". I recounted all of the previous history as honestly as possible going back at least 8 years. I dredged up my role as a wife, mother, business partner and daughter. I cried the whole way through....
When I finished Dr. R asked H is version. H agreed with the exceptions of the timetable and his version of why and when he left the marriage.
H said the two years I claimed I was depressed was more like 6 years. H said he had divorced me long before he left home. H went on to say he felt completely right in pursuing his current OW in a relationship as he considered himself divorced. He felt he is cheating on OW by being with me. Said OW is like his wife and I am his mistress. He went on to say he hates all of it.
H went on to say that he knew years before he left that he was going to leave. H said he waited until OW came into the picture to do so. H went further by telling Dr. R that I, in my depressed state, BETRAYED him as a wife, mother of his child and his business partner. As I listened to this I became very disturbed emotionally. Dr. Ron was especially troubled by his use of the word...BETRAYED. He told H that that was a very harsh and hurtful word to use. H said it was true.
It became painfully clear to me that I do not know this man. It became painfully clear to me that I cannot have any hope to reconcile this marriage due to the inability of H to have any compassion or forgiveness towards me. H is steadfast in his ideas that I BETRAYED him. As you can all imagine, I do not see H's point of view.
After this we tried a little exercise that would bring about honesty in words we would speak to each other. We were told to close our eyes for several minutes and clear our minds of any thoughts that did not pertain to the current (our being in a counseling session and each other). Then we opened our eyes and were told to look into each others (we were sitting face to face as close as we could sit to each other) we looked into each other eyes while Dr. R told us to look into the others eyes and look for emotions. After several minutes of that, we each took as turn asking the other to "Tell Me The Truth". I let H go first, the only words H could tell me after repeated requests was "You are so beautiful". I went second and H kept asking me the same question. I was able to tearfully tell H all of my thoughts and feelings that have been bottled up in my heart for years now. I went further to tell H what I saw in his eyes (kindness, love, a smile and tears of pain). H was unmoved. I was moved beyond words.
Needless to say, Dr. R came to a pretty blunt conclusion. He told H he has 4 options:
1) Keep doing what he was doing. Live in a state where he keeps us both and continues to struggle and juggle the OW relationship and the marriage. He warned H that this was like having one foot on the dock and one in the rowboat, H was going to end up in the water!!!
2) Leave the marriage and fully commit to the relationship H has created with the OW. Means he will end up grieving his marriage and loss of his family. Means hurting me and son. Means having no contact with me, except for matters of son. Means risking he damage his relationship with son possibly permanently. Means compromising his values and ideals of marriage (H had already expressed he had hopes that his marriage would last his lifetime as was common in his family). Means a divorce and division of all he holds dear.
3) Leave the relationship he has created with OW to reconnect to the marriage, his wife and family. Means he is going to grieve the OW. Means he is going to hurt her. Means he will not be able to have any contact whatsoever with her ever again. He told him this would be difficult but was doable if H was committed.
4) Leave us both. Live alone. Have zero contact with her ever again and have minimal contact with me only in regards to matters involving son. This way he could learn to appreciate himself and reconnect to himself and his values and morals. Starting fresh would enable H a chance to rebuild a healthier lifestyle one hopefully with emotional stability and healing for H.
H then asked the same question he started out with. AND...
Dr. R said he could help us rebuild the marriage ONLY if OW was not in the picture. H would have to make that choice on his own without any help. He would be happy to help us then, until then it was hopeless and unrealistic to try.
He said he could help us to divorce amicably and help us learn to co-parent our son.
Dr R had summed us up inside of the two hours and then he spoke to me....
Dr. R told me that I needed to accept my current reality and gracefully let H go. He told me that the marriage was unrepairable as long as H was involved in a relationship with OW and more so because H felt married to the OW and completely detached from me and his family. He told me that I am beautiful and compassionate and loving and filled with remorse and forgiveness and that I needed to stop blaming myself for all the problems. He asked me to let go and allow myself to forgive "ME". He said I have grieved the loss of my marriage long enough. He reminded to think on the old Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler".
ON THE WAY HOME....H and I stopped for lunch. We chatted nicely about this and that. He has decided to think on all that was said at Dr. R's for the weekend. He said he would be in touch with me.
Today he is with son....that is good, I guess. I am alone. I am hurting and sad and in physical pain.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Sanderika: Hugs. This so closely mirros the one counselling session I went to with my now xh.
Your therapist sounds kind and insightful - I went on seeing mine, and he helped me a lot because he had seen my now xh. He understood what was going on and that I wasn't crazy.
Your h is utterly lost to himself, and I think, sadly, that these very damaged men we probably have to let go, after a certain period of time. It was 5 years in my case.
They will either come out of it or not, and there isn't much we can do. We have demonstrated our love and fidelity and if it isn't what they want and need, it is pointless to persist, beyond a certain point.
If this type of MLCer [and I think there are other types] isn't willing to give up OW there is nothing we can do. It hurts initially to close the door but then there is a peace, the like of which I have not known since I started dealing with his MLC. But I hope your h chooses you and commitment.
I am searching for more strength than I have ever known. I am not as tough as one might think.
I have my own therapist outside of Dr. R and I will be making an appointment with her come Monday. I need to gain some prospective as to how to move forward as a single lady in mid- life with a 14 year old son. One who can never rely on another for support or compassion. I feel quite the fool today.
I want to find that "peace" you speak of....I have listened to you tell others it will come and have only thought that it seemed impossible to achieve. I need to work on me. I need to learn a new lesson.
I am spending my weekend reading "Eat, Pray, Love". I bought this book last week in advance thinking I might need an alone activity.
It will be interesting if, when and what H will say when he has had enough "thinking on it" time. I thank you for your wishes that he chooses me and commitment.
H just brought son home and came inside to remind me that he was going to come after him tomorrow too. He then made it a point to tell me that he had to go cause he was meeting a male friend at a local drinking club. I guess no OW this weekend at all....interesting, huh? I wished him a good time and away he went. All about himself and irresponsibility. I have a nice supper in the oven for son and I, when son gets out of the shower we will have a nice, quiet Saturday evening.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Sanderika. So many emotions went through me as I read what you wrote. In some ways it mirrors the joint counselling sessions ( 3) that I had with my H. Except at the end she said, " Your marriage is over, I wish I could take the pain away, things will be better in 18 months."
Maybe I should have listened to her then and started divorce proceedings. I don't know.
I am sorry you hurt Sandrika, I'm glad you found a kind man as your counselor to help you through this. I am so sad for you.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))). I am sending prayers for you today. I am VERY sorry that you are having such a difficult day.
I need more time to digest what you've written but something jumped out at me in your post and I wanted to point it out.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
He felt he is cheating on OW by being with me. Said OW is like his wife and I am his mistress.
In the context of what H said in court (that he did not think your M is irretrievably broken), your H's comment above makes me think he knows that if he D's you, you will be out of his life for good and he has not been willing to take that chance thus far.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
H went further by telling Dr. R that I, in my depressed state, BETRAYED him as a wife, mother of his child and his business partner.........Dr. Ron was especially troubled by his use of the word...BETRAYED. He told H that that was a very harsh and hurtful word to use. H said it was true.
It is unbelievable that your H is not able to take responsibility for any of his role in all of this. I'm glad that Dr. Ron called him on it. It sounds very much like H is projecting his feelings about his mother's betrayal onto you. H has been an adult during his M with you and as such was certainly capable of telling you this at the time that he was entertaining these thoughts. It's my turn to be really angry with your H now!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand what you mean about grieving that you feel you do not "know" this man. I really wonder what it would take for someone who is as resistant to self-examination as your H is to gain insight about the role he played in all of this????
It's interesting that your H told you how beautiful you are in the session. If he could only see how beautiful you are inside as well..............
