Reality is often uncomfortable

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thanks Brian. I'm so frustrated and fed up with being boxed in.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journalling -update
I had texted H telling him that he had mail waiting here this morning.
I went to work, came home spent a couple hours with the kids and relaxing a bit before taking them to their class and me to the gym.
H.texted me as kids and I were eating dinner: "Is it alright if I drop by in 20 minutes to pick up the mail?" I texted, "Yes.", he texts back, "thank you." I return the text saying " No worries."
Kids and I unload the car of all our stuff. H. rings doorbell. I ask him in and also ask if he'd like a hot cup of herbal tea. He declines. Kids beg him to visit with them for a while. He sits at the kitchen table and does that while I wash and rinse the lunch containers from today.
He asks me how my work went. I outline what I did and what went on. I ask him to look at something and tell him he doesn't have to if he has no desire to. Mention I still have a program I recorded on our PVR for him. After that I'm pretty quiet, do my own thing. He picks up his mail from the table, thanks me and leaves. I don't get up to see him off, the kids do and they close and lock the door after him.

I feel depressed and a sense of I don't give a crap anymore. I'm running out of patience for my situation.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journaling- update
Got home late tonight.
Phone rang just as the kids and I were unpacking.
H. talked to eldest. Then asked to speak to me about upcoming b'day party for a child my child is friends with. Asked me if the elder child was invited and where this party was being held. Told him the information, then told him I was unpacking groceries as we were speaking and I had to go, here is your youngest child, bye.

That's all she wrote.
Thinking about what plans to make on w/e. Got a couple of things that I'm doing, but pretty much at loose ends. Maybe a good weekend to crack open a bottle of wine and go over my work to date.
Wish there was something more exciting and stimulating in my future.

[Brian in Hville]

I'll open up a bottle with you Scylla!!

[Queen_of_Swords]

You'd be welcome to if you lived close enough.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Had a bunch of medical testing today. Will know the results later next week.
H. came to pick up the kids, he sat down briefly to talk about his work, while the kids were practicing their music. I told him a little of the challenges I had in my own.
Saw them all off.
Picked the kids up from his place after doing my "stuff".
H asked me how things went. Told him
there were lots of unpleasant truths learned and it was a difficult evening.
He said. Oh, ok then. Bye. See you tomorrow.

[OnMyWay]

I dunno Scylla. WAS's are liars. I've gotten the "I don't want to give you false hope" statement from my W many times. It has become her standard defensive posture when we begin making progress. I've learned to ignore it. WAS seems to continually contradict themselves. I can see it in your H's responses also. From what you've posted, it sounds to me like he doesn't know what the heck is going on inside his own head.

My DB Coach reminds me to forget about big changes and look for the subtle things. He's talking to you - sharing in your life. I know this is hard, but I think you have opportunity here for some serious DBing.

One thing I will say I've learned from my sitch, I no longer make recommendations to try to get my W to "fix" herself. That is completely her problem. I however am making great progress on myself. To truly get her noticing, I've made a point of NOT pointing out my changes to her and pretend they are a secret. I know she sees them. I think it is what has driven her to counseling, since she realizes she can't make her changes on her own and she feels I'm winning the game - she can be so competitive at times.

A couple of posts back you mentioned a doctor giving H some health news you'd apparently already given him. Great. Let the doctor be the bad guy. Try not to be critical at all. Us guys hate that and it is amazing how sensitive we are about the little things. I'm happy he's participating so fully and that you are able to do things together as a family. Again, lots of opportunity for you to grow for yourself and your kids. You don't have to tell him. Trust me, he will notice.

[OnMyWay]

Oh, and BTW, try to get out and do something for yourself. You deserve it.

[jbnati]

SC,
Just read your post on Brian's thread. Wanted to let you know there are others lifting you up in prayer as well. Although you may feel God is not answering prayers, I believe he may be answering them, but just not giving you the answer you're expecting right now. I believe He is working in your sitch for a higher purpose. At least that's what I believe in mine - although I am not always sure I know what He is doing and what the end result will be.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thanks jbnati, I understand your take on things. God and I have a difficult relationship.

Journalling -

Had a heated argument with a good friend about my R. I won't get into details, but it wasn't pleasant and I ended up writing a letter apologising for some behaviour, a boundary drawn, and a statement of my stance. Friend is going through a very acrimonious and combatative D with an highly abusive spouse.

The letter was well accepted. Now I have to keep my mouth shut.

Started Friday by initiating a little smiley face with sun glasses to H. It was bright and sunny while I was driving to work.

That started a day of texting back and forth with general silliness and work chat for most of the day.
I don't know what to make of that, but it was pleasant.

H. came by after work to pick up the kids. He looked good, I told him so. He was dismissive but I saw suprise in his eyes.
Had a short discussion of some things that were on my mind about a situation, and cleared up a couple questions about the kids activities for the next couple of weeks. I was pleasantly businesslike and brief.

He hung around for a while and we talked about some of things I went through the other night that were difficult to comprehend and understand. He asked, so I explained. I'm seeing little aha! moments in his eyes. Could be good, could not. At this juncture I just take it as it comes.

Had a weird sense of optimism and general well being after the fight with the friend. I think I solidified and clarified some concepts to myself of what is important to me, where my ethical core is and a central "knowing" of why I am standing for my M and my H now. That argument really helped me to understand why I am here and what I'm really doing. It helped me to really understand deep down,exactly what my vows and the convenant of marriage mean in my heart/mind/soul.

Hope I can hang on to it for the long haul.