Walking in Muskeg III

[punkin]

Scylla,

Please don't take this wrong, and not to sound like our mothers, but who told you life was fair? It's not fair. It's hard, hateful, dirty and mean. It's also joyful, loving, beautiful and honest. It is what you make of it.

I believe that this hell also will pass.

[quote]

I do not mind my own company, the quiet is nice the ability to read uninterrupted is a luxury I seldom get to enjoy among several pleasures I have indulged myself in since H. has been gone.

I have done alone way too much in my life alone and I have no desire to continue on that way.

Do you see a bit of conflict in this statement? You do but you don't; you will but you won't.

You are confused. We all are. You are hurt and angry. Ditto. I'm so happy you come to the Board to let it out. But one of you has to be the adult/parent in this situation, and H has apparently checked out. We don't have to like it, we just have to do it.

Have faith, SC, peace will come.

[Queen_of_Swords]

What do YOU have?

I have my children.
Materially I have enough to get by.
Physically I'm in good health, decent shape and pretty tough for the most part.
Mentally I'm smart enough. Mentally tough...not so much.
Emotionally I'm far from well/or mature.
Socially, I have a few good friends and a small support network. I have jobs/work. I have hobbies and interests.

As for Atlas, he could never set his burden down or walk away from it.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I stopped journalling a long time ago. I don't like putting my thoughts down anywhere they can be found and I find my own writing boring and repetitious.
I only write for business purposes, or here.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Scylla,

Please don't take this wrong, and not to sound like our mothers, but who told you life was fair? It's not fair. It's hard, hateful, dirty and mean.

This is mostly my experience and how I see things.

It's also joyful, loving, beautiful and honest. It is what you make of it.

Not much of this.

I do not mind my own company, the quiet is nice the ability to read uninterrupted is a luxury I seldom get to enjoy among several pleasures I have indulged myself in since H. has been gone.

I have done alone way too much in my life alone and I have no desire to continue on that way.

Do you see a bit of conflict in this statement? You do but you don't; you will but you won't.

To me there is no conflict. I don't mind my own company, it's not the way I want to spend the majority of my time though and that's how it is right now. There is not a lot of interaction in my life, mostly due to circumstances of survival. I can do alone, doesn't mean I want to.

You are confused. We all are. You are hurt and angry. Ditto. I'm so happy you come to the Board to let it out. But one of you has to be the adult/parent in this situation, and H has apparently checked out. We don't have to like it, we just have to do it.

Not so much confused anymore. Just exhausted and had enough. I know what being the "responsible adult" looks like, I've had that role since I was little and I know what you've stated all too well. Perhaps that's why it gets to me. It's just more of the same damn thing. An unrelenting grind.

Have faith, SC, peace will come.

I never had much faith. My own experience and observations have shown me that having faith only results in more disappointment.

[punkin]

Scylla,

Faith is what gets us up in the mornings and sends us off to work. Faith is why we have children. Faith is why we fall in love and get married. Faith is why we buy a home or plant a seed. It doesn't always work out. Sometimes it feels like it never works out, but that's not true. You are in a very dark place right now, but it will pass, I promise. Otherwise, you need to brick up your doors and windows and call it a life.

I have come to appreciate so many blessings in my life that I mostly took for granted while with H. The best friends anyone could ever ask for. Children who love and support me no matter what. Appreciation for good work from my employers. While I was with H, that was my focus, my MAIN focus, and look where it got me.

Know what I'm doing tonight? I'm changing a sink disposer. Never done it before, but have no doubt at all that I can. Tomorrow I'm going to chainsaw down some trees. (If no one hears from me within 24 hours, please dial 911. LOL)You've been handed a huge challenge. It is up to you what you do with and make of it.

I have FAITH in you.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Bad things happen late at night.
Can't sleep, in physical pain.
Can't sleep, in emotional turmoil about some revelations in regard to H. and some other stuff going on in life too.
Hate this.
Feel helpless, trapped, hopeless, and an urge to self destruct. Not that I will, I just want out of this fresh hell.

[seeking answers]

SC,

Hang in there Scylla, no one is worth taking your life for. Your kids need you. I promise this will get better if you let it.

Keep working on detaching. Your mind can be your own worst enemy. Get it off your H and put it back where it belongs, on you and your children.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Oh I won't, I know what's driving me.
I'm just so tired of hurting. Wave after wave of pain. So tired, yet can't sleep, or feel anything but pain or a low level malaise.

[Grace_O]

Scylla,

Have you considered anit depressants?

[grr]

scylla,
for me its the morning
it's so hard to get out of bed, and i look at my son, sleeping next to me and hate to wake him, because i know he is in peace..

but, we both get up

i tickle him or tell him a joke

get dressed

i take him to school

i go to work (where for the most part i feel like me)

and life goes on

and as i chose to let go, the pain lessens

and when i see my child have a good day, i do as well

you will get there

one foot in front of the other