Lees' lives it up again

[lees]

Well I'm here again.

Have survived previous divorce which was irretrievable due to infidelity of ex-wife with one of my friends and work colleagues. Rebuilt myself and was happy with my lot. Lo and behold ran into an extraordinary woman..........

New and fantastic relationship going extremely well until 5 weeks ago when suddenly for no apparent reason the "ILYBINILWY" spouts forth.

Much talking ensued. No reasons available. She is unable to give any at all and doesn't seem interested in the introversion to find some. Is equivocal about counselling as she doesn't believe anyone can influence a feeling, they just happen.

We had everything going for us. 5 weeks ago she was unpacking my last boxes, grinning and hugging me as my DR and DB books were placed in the charity shop donation bag. She was posting everywhere "cheers to the next 50yrs" and we were planning timing of kids and round houses to live in. We nearly melted the bed at the Ice Hotel we were so hot. 1 week later, like a light went out there was nothing. One day perfect, the next disaster. No I love you, no touch, no eye gazing, no intimacy. I tolerated it for 2 weeks. Then I confronted her and she said she hadn't even realised. Week 3 she said she had used the retrospectoscope and there was something wrong but she didn't know what. We just "lost the spark. "Weeks 4 & 5 included lots of together time, lots of talking but no progress. Last night we broke up. She still wanted to be tactile. She seemed a little upset when I said I'd arranged house viewings and would start packing, and reiterated that I didn't need to move out so quickly. She was extremely tactile this morning, many mixed signals after the quite blunt and serious discussion about why things were over. More eye contact in 12 hrs than the last 5 weeks from her. I asked her what she was looking for and she said "nothing."

My problems are as follows:

(i)Do I move out quick or slow? Will the short sharp shock of me not being here be beneficial or do I stick around to see if I can surreptitiously change things.
(ii) How do you help someone realise that relationships require effort. She feels that as it has been effortless up until now that the feelings should just be there without any.
(iii) Do I just cut my losses and forget her, or battle for someone that I felt an amazing connection with, that I cohabit with effortlessly and has the same life views as me.
(iv) Do I get on with counselling and get her to come in the hope that she'll open her mind rather than be so skeptical?
(v) How do you deal with someone who says "forever is just a minute at a time" and seems to think that forever today is just that. It might not be forever by tomorrow.

I actually truly love this woman, despite her flaws and we were so perfect in terms of living together, raising kids, laughing and talking.

[lees]

Oh and I have goddamn comedy tickets for Saturday and have no idea whether we should still go. I was going to take her to the bar we met for dinner and then onto the club in my efforts to avoid getting to break up point. Never made it.

[lees]

I'd forgotten how much of a rollercoaster all this is.

We just had a minor chat about the practicalities of living together as housemates. She said "I'm only 80% sure it's completely over."

I've been friendly all day, offered to pick her up when her car wasn't ready from MOT, and offered her a lift to her party as she's late.

She just gave me a huge hug and big smile and said "thank you for just being you"

Well 20% hope and I've obviously managed to hide all the ridiculous whirlpool of feelings inside me. Was crying only 15 mins before she arrived.

[lees]

Today I am struggling and really need support.

I am truly torn between the go or stay. It is her house, so I feel obliged to make moves to go. I am viewing a house this morning, having lunch with friends and then have a work meeting this afternoon.

Everyone I speak to is pretty much saying get out of there and move on, if she decides she loves you after all she'll come get you. I'm not sure that's the right tack. My memories of DB before were that you should dig in your heels and not leave until forced to do so. I made that mistake before, and not keen to repeat it, but it's so hard in the face of people constantly telling me to get out.

Haven't seen her since our brief and very pleasant interlude yesterday afternoon and I miss her like crazy. She was very complementary about my new haircut, and I'm pleased to report another 2lb off on the scales this morning. Relationship break ups are good for diets!

I wonder if she will be home for dinner this evening or if it will be the usual Fri night at her best friend's house.

She admits she isn't sure what to do about anything for the best at the moment, including our "date" that had been prearranged for Saturday, dinner tonight, how to live together or even what to wear.

[spellfire]

Did she ask you to leave, or are you taking it upon yourself to do so?

[lees]

She ended the relationship, although we've both talked about that happening in the last 2 months. I feel obliged to leave as it is not a joint owned property. It is her house, that I moved into.

I came home with boxes today. Was very upbeat and positive about my day seeing houses and work stuff and seeing friends. She looked very sad.

She has agreed to relationship counselling to try and figure out what went wrong. I don't think she has any intention of repairing the relationship though. I think it will be difficult as there doesn't seem to be one of those common triggers. We communicate well, live together well, no OP, same life views etc. No idea what happened.

[ninelives]

So she's 80 % sure. Is she a computer like the one on jeopardy?

No she is not and I believe she is toyig with you right now and you are jumping through the hoops. This will not allow her to respect you. Dont be so available for her at this point.


You have to let her think that you are ok with her decision for now.

9

[lees]

Had a decent no relationship talk or pressure hour sat just chatting about our day. Now separately in bed.

Will have to see what advice comes from her mother on Sunday, and what comes from counselling which she has agreed to book. Still think she's already mentally checked out from this relationship though.

Must be positive, patient and prepared!

[OnMyWay]

Wow, lees. What a story. You know, I'm really beginning to dislike W. Us M aren't all that great, I know, but come on! Is the gov't putting something in the water? Why is every W I know flaking out on their M right now?

I'm no one to give advice. I'm stuck in this DB thing with a whacked out W because we have a kid and a 15 yr. history and it ain't easy. Knowing what I know now, if I started w/ a new W and she pulled something like that on me up front in the R, I'd be out of there so fast it would be like she never knew me - this just isn't worth going through twice.

[lees]

Not a good day today. Lost it this morning & cried & told her I love her. She held me & cried too. Said she would give counselling a go. Doesn't think it can be fixed but will see. Wants us not to gave what we had before all this but stronger, better, bigger & longer relationship.

Still lots of dichotomy there.

Had a nice day at home together, both got work done in same room, tidied kitchen together and I'm just back from night at comedy with a friend. She is staying over with one of her mates. She offered and did my hair before I went which was lovely.

I miss her like crazy. I hate separate beds, rooms and the loss of touch and text and calls.

I don't think the usual "dark" philosophies work here, no idea how to go Feds except wait for counselling and stay pleasant.

Answers on a postcard please...........