Is this generally true for all of us?

[InAPickle]

Not to imply anything "good guy" about me,
I came into the M with some baggage myself as well.

But looking back on the months or years before bomb drop,
while W was planning her exit, I honestly expected her to insist on repair.
EA and OM made it that much easier for her to take the other fork in the road.
Those years I would often wonder why she was drifting away and seemed to make no effort.

I have said before how I accept my half of the blame for the failure of our M, but the more I think about it, the less I feel at fault, b/c on bomb day her mind was totally made up. That had to have been in the planning for a long time.

In hindsight, there was no amount of DBing I could have done to dissuade her, but it has helped me get a grip.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I honestly expected her to insist on repair.

Quick question:
Did you wait for her to ask, or did you make changes on your own?

From DR:
"In the months or years that follow her decision, the wife is no longer trying to fix the marriage...most women have built up a wall around themselves." pg. 40

"First off you, not your spouse, are going to have to do the lion's share of the work here...you may not like the fact that this feels so one-sided, but for now I say, 'That's too bad.' That's just how it is." pg 43

[ironMan]

I think there is an element of "Nice Guy" in anybody who would pick a wounded partner. We knew they had issues going in and figured we could fix them.

In the beginning, this was exactly what they wanted and was great.

In the end, WE became just human .... and they started looking for the next ONE who could fix them.

So, they believe they need somebody else to fix them .... and we believe that as well and we try to fix them. And the problems in the relationship are then always said to be problems with that co-dependent WAS.

Well, guess that makes us both broken then eh? The yin, and the yang. We push, they pull.

I've decided to stop pushing.

[InAPickle]

[quote]
I honestly expected her Quick question:
Did you wait for her to ask, or did you make changes on your own?

To be honest, I fantasized about being away from her (she became a bit of a shrew) even D.

[Truegritter]

If anyone is interested read "Codependent No More"

If you are honest with yourself the rescuer feels validated by rescuing/fixing.

so you are actually part of the problem.

Not a healthy relationship for either party.

[♪CS♪]

If anyone is interested read "Codependent No More"

Very interesting. After the initial bomb when I found out my W was having an EA, she went to C a few times on her own. This is the book the C recommended to her. TBH, I don't know if she ever even read it. She had made up her mind by then.

In my sitch, W comes from a good home with no big issues. However, she became a rebellious teenager and when I met her she was on meds for OCD. I don’t know if she was ever actually full OCD, but she had some issues.

I definitively came in to our R as the “rescuer.” This was even talked about when S hit the fan. While I was also a rebellious teen, I was the ‘control’ guy. I “set her straight” as she says. She said after all of the years, she changed. She began to see my “rescuing” as controlling. She no longer needed it, and grew to hate it. She didn’t need to be “set straight” any longer.

So in many ways, my sitch is similar. It all sounds like a bunch of HS to me right now though…

[ironMan]

That's a great recommendation, Gritter!!

And yes, both parts are broken. But one kind of broken is just more visible.

Too bad though .. I am damn good at fixing things. Too bad you can't fix people.

[InAPickle]

To be honest, I fantasized about being away from her (she became a bit of a shrew) even [fantasized about] D.

I forgot to add:
"Be careful what you wish for - eh ?"

[ninelives]

Great thread, a lot of similarities.

My W has it all.

Depression, father died who was alcholic and emotionally abusive,
resentment towards mother, bad childhood,

I like the analogy of taking her 9 years to find the door when we become human.

I always felt like I needed to be near perfect in the marriage because when I made mistakes, and I did, I certainly heard about them.

My mistake was treating her like a mentally healthy person. I should have been extra aware.

9

[ironMan]

Great thread, a lot of similarities.
My mistake was treating her like a mentally healthy person. I should have been extra aware.
9

LOL!!