Denver I know you will handle this next step with the poise and patience you have shown all the way through the last episode.
Proud of you man and honestly glad that its happening.
Hope it sticks and you guys grow old together.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Denver, Buddy, what can I say other than your just about to become the first BITS graduate. Man, where has the time gone. I still remember some of the first convo's you and I had on here. Funny part is there were days where I really thought you were in some serious trouble. But, here you are and I could not be more happy for you. In life, there are winners and losers... and I don't hang around with losers!!! Remember, you still have a ton of work ahead of you. Some really hard work actually. But, I know you are the man for the job. You are a trailblazer for others to follow. Congratulations, my man!
BITS never walk alone!!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Denver-- You are absolutely doing something right. Congratulations for all of your progress! Keep it up, and keep growing. Build your skillset beyond this, and keep the positives rolling. Do whatever it takes.
Thanks Dbmod, Truegritter and BITS for keeping up with me throughout...
It has been 4 days since my last update, so I thought that I best post another...
W had a singing gig with a disco band on Friday night. A friend and I went and caught the show. W hung out with us during the bands breaks. The show ended late and I left at the same time that W did. W called me when she got back to her place to let me know that she was home safely.
Saturday was SS's birthday party at a mexican restaurant called Casa Bonita. It is a huge place that has multiple kid friendly shows, arcades, and music. We let SS invite 6 friends. SS and 3 of his friends came with me in my car and the other 3 friends and W's mom went in her car. Other family members met us at the restaurant. We had a great time.
However, at one point during the day... I was taking pictures with W's phone. While I was holding her phone, W received a tm from OM:
"SS must be loving his birthday party. I missed hearing you sing happy birthday."
I read the tm and briefly thought about responding to the a*sh*le myself but decided that was not a good idea. I walked over to W and handed her the phone. I said very calmly, "you just got a text message"... she looked at her phone and saw what it was. She rolled her eyes in an annoyed way and said something like, "I figured he'd text me today"... nothing more was said at that time. I did see W send OM a brief reply tm.
I was upset. Angry and sad. I think that I was feeling some emotional exhaustion. And I could sense that my mood and behavior had changed and that I needed to get away from the birthday party for a bit. I quietly exited the restaurant and went for about a 20 minute walk.
When I got back to the restaurant I was somewhat better. W asked me where I went. I simply replied that I needed to go for a walk. She didn't say anything, but she knew that I was upset.
I did my best to be in a good mood for the rest of the party. Nothing more was said about the tm at that time.
Later Saturday night, W and I went to go get some dinner and to a movie... "Limitless"... recommended btw.
At dinner, W told me that she knew that the tm had upset me. She explained that she is trying to cut off contact with OM and that she has only spoken with him "a couple of times" since we got back from Buffalo 3 weeks ago. She told me that she has not seen him or been hanging out with him at all. She was trying to reassure me.
I explained that the tm had indeed upset me. W asked me if I was mad at her. I told her that i wasn't mad... that the emotion that I was feeling was hard to explain. That it was some anger... but mostly hurt. I told her that I don't know what the sitch is between she and OM bc she hasn't told me and bc I haven't asked.
She went on to explain that when we got back from Buffalo that she had a conversation with OM where HE said to W, "You clearly want to work on your M" and where he expressed hurt over her decision. W told him that she regretted getting close to him and that statement had hurt him even more.
W then asked me why I feel so hurt about her R with OM. I was surprised by this question bc it seems fairly obvious to me. W then again explained that she was done with our M when she left... that she had no intent on having R with OM or anyone when she left... but that OM gave her so much attention and was so nice to her and SS that it was hard to ignore... that when she left she feared being alone... feared that no man would want her because of her 'baggage' (her baggage being a difficult 12 year old son)...
W then admitted that she did NOT use very good judgment at that time. That she didn't take into account the effects that her decisions would have on everyone... SS, OM, and even me... That she regrets her decision. She went on though to say that her regret isn't because she feels like she was 'unfaithful' to me... again reiterating that she was done with M and that the only reason that she didn't file for D was because she could not afford it. That she felt that she needed to move forward with her life.
W then said to me "I feel like I did more right during our R/M than you did. I know that I messed up some things too, but I worked really hard to make things work and was faithful to you. Now, I feel like with this situation, that this will hang over me forever if we are together as something that I did that was wrong. I don't think that is fair."
I got up and walked over to the side of the table where W was sitting and sat next to her. I kissed her on the cheek and told her that I don't want her to feel like that. That there is no need. I explained to her that we have a different perspective on what has happened, but that I don't entirely NOT get how she feels about it. I explained that, in any case, I forgive her. I then told her that my anger and vitriol is towards OM bc I think that he took advantage of her while she was in a vulnerable state.
W said that she understood my feelings. She said that she does not know if OM took advantage of her vulnerability or not. That that was not her impression of him, 'but who knows.'
The conversation ended as we were running late for the movie. I felt much better. W put her hand out for me to hold as we walked over to the movie theater.
After the movie we drove back to my house. I asked W if she wanted to say the night. W told me that she didn't want to stay in our house as a 'guest'. I told her that it is still her house and that she didn't need to feel that way. She said, "trust me, the thought of not having to go back to my empty place is tempting, but I just don't feel comfortable.' We held hands in the car and I gently kissed her and told her that I understand. We chatted a bit longer while holding hands and then she left. ------
W called me when she got back to the place that she is staying (I now refuse to call it her home). It was about 12:30 a.m. when she called. We ended up talking until about 2. I could tell from W's tone of voice that she was letting her guard down with me for the first time... that she was letting herself be vulnerable with me.
She started the conversation by asking me, "I want to know about the woman that you saw during our S" ... for those of you who don't know, I began to talk to and hung out with a little bit, a an old friend from college who was going through a D at the same time that my W left. This friend was someone who had a crush on me back in college. I had told W about this friend back in December.
I told W that nothing happened with OW... that we talked quite a bit on the phone during December and early January. That I had drinks with her a couple of times and went to a NY's Eve party with her. But that nothing happened. I explained to W that OW began to pressure me to be done with my M to W. That I stopped talking to and hanging out with OW after this bc I was not interested. That OW and I had a talk and that afterwards, OW unfriended me on FB. That she and I have not spoken since.
W then asked me about the emails that she found prior to her leaving. For those of you who don't know, W found some old emails from an ex-gf to me that were very sexually explicit. These emails were sent to me while W and I were dating and well into our R. They were sent to me 5 years ago, so about 3 years before W and I were M'd. W found these emails after she had already dropped the bomb on me and she was well on her way to leaving. They only validated her reasons for wanting to leave. She believed that they meant that I had cheated on her 5 years ago.
W told me that she wanted the truth about these emails. I again explained that the emails were from someone that I HAD dated prior to W and I meeting. That I was wrong for participating in the email conversation and definitely wrong for not deleting the emails. But that I had NOT cheated on her. That I could not tell her something that was not true ... could not tell her something happened that did not. And this is all true. I told W that ex-gf had tempted me, that I wasn't going to lie about that. But that nothing had happened.
W then asked me about something else that had compromised her trust in me during our R. Another situation that I was wrong in participating in, but that didn't turn into A. W has never fully believed my explanation... which I understand. Again, I told her that I had told the truth 5 or 6 years ago, when it happened.
W then asked me more about why I feel like things won't go back to the way that they were if she moves back into our home. I talked to her about everything that I have learned through DB. That I have a completely different perspective on life, relationships, and my R with her. I told her all of the things that I have realized about myself. How my insecurities led me to be critical of her... bc I was subconsciously trying to sabotage my R with her.... because I was afraid of opening my heart to her... afraid of being hurt myself. I explained that I recognize this now and don't want to live like that... whether it is with her or someone else. That I want to open my heart and have a truly intimate R with someone... preferably her.
I then told W that I don't want just an 'average' M... that I want a truly 'great' M with her... that I am fully committed to making that happen.
W then told me that she is frustrated bc she doesn't know how to move forward with fixing us. That she sees that I have a 'plan' on how that is to happen, but that she does not. I told her that I am 4 months ahead of her with this. That I have been working very hard for the past 4 months on changing the things that I can about myself so that I can be a better man and H... that I have been working on a plan to make sure that things are better in our M... that I have been emotionally preparing for reconciliation for during those 4 months. So that I recognize that she is behind in this process and that this is okay. That it is going to take time.
W and I got off of the phone. I told her that I loved her. W responded 'I love you too.'
---------------
W agreed to go to church with me the next morning. It is the first time that we have gone together. Church was always something that W had wanted us to do together but I had resisted.
Interestingly enough, the sermon was on 'pain'. How we sometimes go through pain to learn a lesson and that it can actually lead to great blessings. How sometimes god uses pain to 'discipline' us. This struck home with both me and W. As many of you know, I was NOT a good H to my W during our M or R. I did many, many things that were wrong and hurtful to W. I can very easily see that the pain that I have endured over the past 4 months has 'disciplined' me... made me realize the error of my ways.
W and I then went and picked up SS at his friend's house where he had spent the night. We went to her sister and BIL's house for lunch and hung out with them for a while.
W then went to where she is staying for a couple of hours and took a nap. I went home and took my dogs to the park.
W and SS then came over to the house for a bit. We decided to go to dinner and to another movie.
We had a great time. I sat between W and SS during the movie and W put her head on my shoulder for part of it. We also held hands for a bit.
We drove back to the house. W and I kissed goodbye and they left.
----------------------
Tonight, W and I begin MC.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I commend you for the way you have handled things. It seems so smooth, and effortless. I am new here, and it is awesome to see how this might play out for you. I wish you the best of luck in regaining your marriage. I am in a similar situation, and working on getting myself in order, so I can too be the rock for my wife to lean on.
Me- 33 W - 27 M - 4 T - 5 SD- 8.5 S- 4 (deceased) D- 2.5
That is awesome DENVER you lucky SOB. We all are praying for this sitch and I do pray that it sticks. I am so glad that your w is over with the OM.. Those effing predators deserve to be shot. So she didnt fall in love with him? That is so important and I guess unless she shows you just cause, try and limit further talk about OM.
I think wiping the slate clean is the way to go; especially if you werent very nice to her in your marriage, which is so hard for me to believe Denver since you seem like such a level headed man.
You know you are not out of the woods yet as a matter of fact , you are just reached a clearing and are heading into some deeper woods.
You know you need to be Patient with her and hope that D1ck wad stays away from her and doesnt tempt her anymmore. This is not what you need.
All the best Dude.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Casa Bonita...being in that place for any time would make me want to take a walk regardless. LOL
There is a lot to digest from your situation. I'm sure you've gone over it 1000 times.
I would say I'd drop the idea that the OM took advantage of her when talking to her. You know it, I know it, he knows it. No need to say anything more about it. The issues are wholly between you and her, now. She isn't that person any more and you aren't the person who drove her away either.
As far as moving forward, I say that your only "plan" is to continue to work on yourself. you might have a fantasy on what your M could look like, but that that is more for you and your goals.
You are in this process together now, you two will only be able to move forward if both of you are moving. This will require a lot of work on both parts. And it's not easy or pretty. but the rewards can be great.
Good luck on the MC. I hope you found a good one. They can help facilitate the recon process, but shouldn't direct it. I will say that I believe ours helped tremendously. After 4 months, he "fired" us. He said that we don't need him anymore.
Feel free to join us in piecing if you feel the need.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
