Timelines really don't matter. This guy was in the picture in the summer of 2009. Just taking the trip in August 2010 showed a lack of respect for me as a husband and a man. She asked me to leave. She waited a year to file. She dragged her feet in getting the D done, all the while there's an OM in the picture. Friends of hers growing up said she would lie when confronted with truth she didn't want to acknowledge. When I asked her about this trip she said she was going with her best friend.
Why not just tell me the truth.
I've been wavering for months between anger and compassion -- bouncing between trying to let go and move on or thinking this is the "grass is greener" midlife crisis and it'll all work out in the end.
I am hoping the pictures are it for me. It was a betrayal. It's tough for me because I am just not someone to give up. I need to remember I'm better off without her.
Tomorrow will be a test. D8 has an IEP meeting and I'm going to go. It's going to be extremely difficult to be in the same room with her.
I am just angry right now, but maybe it's a good angry. I have to burn away that 1 percent. Where's my self respect. Why do I pine for someone who thought so little of me.
I mean, after seeing those pictures, what would happen if she showed up on my door saying it was a mistake. How do you trust someone again? I've read the piecing forum and I understand the difficulty.
A friend told me it took her a full four years to feel normal after her divorce. I'm still not even divorced. I hope the clock doesn't start on that day. I hope I get the two years we've been separated.
My counselor told me when she sees her ex now, it's like talking to an old boyfriend. They were married 25 years. I couldn't understand having the feelings fade so much. Now, I hope for it. I want that door to close.
I got a couple of emails from her tonight. One on next week and one on our taxes. Next week is my birthday and she wondered if I have them that weekend. I'm just rambling, but I hate that she mentioned my birthday. I don't want to be her friend.
I am not making much sense. Tomorrow is a long day. Luckily I have my church group Friday and I may do a Friday, Sunday church doubleheader.
I have not mastered letting go and having compassion.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I have not mastered letting go and having compassion.
It's not a short term things, it takes a long time to accomplish. It's especially hard when you're still negotiating the end of something you didn't want to see end! You're doing fine, CTH (how about changing your screen name as a first step? How about Futurebound or Freetobeme!)
I'm not one to advocate snooping when you're already separated and in the D process but it does seem like seeing those pictures was a catalyst for you to move forward and stop pining for her and what you once had.
BRAVO!
Put it behind you, be businesslike, be the GREAT dad I have seen you being and forget her. Some day you may become friends of a sort. Not really friends, more like aquaintances who have some common ground.
You are going to make it and you ARE going to thrive in the end! You have a plan!!! That's more than most!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Wii, I thought about changing my screen name, but it's general enough that it just takes a fresh way to look at it.
I'm still Clinging To Hope that I will survive and thrive all of this.
I've calmed down a lot the past couple of days. BobbiJo said the down times don't last as long for her when she gets a shock and it seems to be that way for me now.
There have been some positive financial developments and that always helps.
It seems I qualify as "single - head of household" for IRS purposes now because we've been separated so long. That means my $3,000 IRS bill is now going to be just $400.
I'd already pulled the money out of an IRA to pay the $3,000 so now I'm paying off my legal bills, auto insurance for next six months, my one week of summer camp for the girls that I'll be responsible for.
My bankruptcy attorney said those are all legitimate bills a trustee would not quibble over and I might as well pay off as many legitimate bills between now and filing.
So once the divorce gets done and the bankruptcy over I'll be able to refinance the auto bill -- through my 401k not a bank -- and it'll free up $260 per pay check with the lower auto loan and no credit card payments.
That'll mean the second and third jobs will be able to go towards funding my kids college accounts rather than just paying minimum credit card payments.
The past couple of days with the girls have been good. I was setting up my summer schedule. I'll have the girls for four full weeks and four weekends this summer. I had to give up two weekends for running races (summer job No. 2) so STBXW will have them for seven weekends. But by doing the races I'll be able to fully enjoy the time with the girls. D12 said something this morning that I really liked. She wants to work every day we are together. I've been really worried about her.
We also plan on going to see my sister in Minnesota the week of July 4. I've never been up to visit her. It'll also be the longest time the girls will have been in the car together -- that'll be interesting.
I also have a big break between races -- from June 11-12 to mid-August, which means I'll have five kid-free weekends to enjoy. Last year, I was dreading those and I still have a little fear of being alone, but I have to face it and now I should be actually "single" and not have to explain the whole separation thing.
The girls are looking forward to summer as well. The week in August STBXW goes back to South Dakota is going to hurt. But hopefully another year will dull that pain.
My divorce rebuilding class starts up again next week. It's good to have that time to listen to others and share my problems.
The photos were my fault because I went searching for trouble. Still, stuff sneaks up on me. The lady in the office behind me just got divorced -- her process took just a couple of months -- and she was on the phone with her ex who also works here and is a friend of mine. I felt like turning around and closing her office door, but I thought that would be rude. At one point she got this tone when talking about kids and extra time that I recognized from my own conversations and ... I had to get up and go down stairs and eat my lunch.
It's hard to explain the tone ... a softness that could be interpreted as either pity or regret.
Last night, the girls and I were eating at the mall. I'd taken them to a resale shop for some work pants -- I haven't been updating my wardrobe -- and they got a couple of shirts ($2 each). We passed this bungi jumping attraction. Over the winter, I'd taken them and D12 had done 32 flips -- her all-time best. I reminded her and she said her record was 51 now. She'd done that with STBXW. It was a reminder that I only see 40 percent of her life now.
Next week will be interesting. I have the opening day game on Thursday then get the girls Friday for a three-day weekend, which also covers my 42nd birthday. I am hoping NOT to see STBXW, but it's probably unavoidable because I'll have to either pickup or drop the girls off at the house next week because it's spring break week.
I need some time away for a while.
I also hope to get some energy again at work. The restarting of the divorce process, the pictures and these 5 a.m. workouts have kind of zapped me during the day.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
While funding the kids' college savings accounts is an admirable goal, I think it's a little premature. I strongly recommend you read some of Dave Ramsey www.daveramsey.com - he takes a very common-sense approach to finances, and I believe he would say your first goal is to save up an emergency fund of 3-6 months living expenses. THEN you can look at college savings. (Actually, he would say save up $1,000, THEN pay off your car loan, THEN start saving for 3-6 months living expenses).
But Dave would say quite clearly, save your 3-6 month emergency fund FIRST, then start on the college savings.
He's a smart guy, I'd just follow the program. He's put a lot of thought into the sequence of things. You'll be in a LOT more trouble if, say, you get laid off and don't have that emergency fund, than if your kids' college funds are a little weak and they have to go to community college or work during college. (Spoken by a mom of three kids all in college at the same time!) Plus, you've got your head straight right now, you'll catch back up on those college funds pretty quickly once you've set aside your 6 month fund.
