I knew it was time for a new thread and I was trying to think of an apt title that recognised where Sanderika and I were on this journey. I'm speaking for Sanderika when I say we're both at the stage of feeling quite tired and depleted but we have to give this one last shot. We're both feeling a little jaded by circumstances and yet we know that if there is even a tiny glimmer of hope we can't yet give in. We have to keep the faith. We have no proof, no evidence that this is the right path, that we won't be further hurt or disillusioned and yet we are still slowly and surely placing a small step in front of the other on the road forward. Faith gives us hope and tells us that we can give just a little bit more. That little more might be a day, a week, a month. Who knows? We both know that today we have faith and today is all we can consider right now.
For me, the goal is to leave the door open for 4 more weeks. I have planned a weekend away for me at that time. It will be a chance to catch up with friends and family but also a chance to be away from home and to reflect on my position. My tank is slowly emptying and I have given H this message.
Thanks to you, my special friends for your ongoing support and direction.
How was the fried rice? It is very positive that H remains in contact with you. If you keep being supportive towards him...you will win his heart. It is wonderful that he has booked a reservation to see D swim in a few weeks. I am very excited for your continuous steps forward. (((((Cas))))) I think if you show an extra effort over the next four weeks, we will see you extending your time table because H is going to continue to move towards you.
I am feeling very glum today. I saw H yesterday, he came to get son late in the afternoon. Son was at a friends so H waited with me. H had never told me what time he would be by to fetch son for the evening so I let son go to a friends for the afternoon. H was not annoyed at all. He came in and took off his boots and sat with me chatting for an hour.
During the chat H appeared aloof. He was not very warm to me. He wanted to know if he has a new pair of boots here and I said yes, they are winter boots. I asked H if he wanted to take them with him, he said no he'd leave them here. He had some mail and went through it and left it as well.
I was thinking on my being a bit more forward with H and felt the urge to hug him. SOOO, I asked H: "Can I hug you?" H said: "If you want to." H turned in towards me, I gave him a really long tender hug and then H pulled away. After a little while longer, I asked H: "Would you like to stay for the night with me when you bring son home?" H said: "We'll see how it goes." I did not feel good about his answer at all. BUT then, H left his mail on the counter.
I had to go pick up son at friends, I offered to drop him off at the shop to H. The whole ride took 25 minutes. H chose to wait alone at out home for me to return with son. This made me a bit nervous. H has not been alone in our home for a VERY VERY long time. It seemed weird leaving him here alone. I didn't put up a fuss. I left trying to trust H.
H brought son home at 12:15am and just dropped him off. We have not heard from H today. OW is with him, I saw her vehicle at my shop.
I went and had lunch with SIL on H's side today. She and I were always very close. I had kept my distance for about three years. Last week she initiated a meeting. SIL does not think H and I belong together. She does not like what H is doing and neither does her H (H's oldest brother). They do not like OW at all. She feels I am fighting a losing battle and that I deserve better than H. She said he will never change. I told her he has actually changed a lot. I gave her some examples I have witnessed over the past 6 years. She agreed with hesitation. She wants me to be happy and congratulated me on my progress. She feels H is very confused and possibly has deeper emotional issues. She hopes that counseling will help us, she wishes it had come sooner rather than later. I told her sooner would have been a disaster for sure. In the early days H hated me. H can admit a very different, much more loving set of emotions about me today. I told her I was hopeful but doubted it will work out for me/us.
Ladies, H is currently (as I write this) with the OW. I cannot repair my marriage if he will not stop seeing her.
The counseling worries me. H could sabotage the meetings with a very negative attitude leaving the therapist no choice but to advise a divorce is necessary. Do you all feel that H would volunteer for this assistance and pay upwards of $200 per hour to sabotage the meetings for personal gain?
As you all can see I am a bit of a mess. I am powerless to fix this anymore. Counseling will be my last effort.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Sorry to hear you are feeling glum. In some ways I feel the same. My LL is Quality Time so I would happily forgo fried rice for a coffee and a chat or a movie. Feeling frustrated and sick of it today! Sick of needing to be patient all the time. Life is really too short for this!
I hope that you will see the turn around you are looking for in the shortest time possible!
I am SO right there with you both. Frustrated! Sounds like Rabbit is the only one who is NOT frustrated these days (good for you Rabbit! Very happy for you and thanks for sharing your good news with us. We LOVE to hear it!)
Sanderika I could strangle your H for not taking responsibility for himself and his decisions.........and Cas, you sound strong, but I can just imagine how you must feel.
Cas, thanks for interpreting Rabbit's "nattering" expression. I have NEVER heard that before. That made my day!
Originally Posted By: dolphin_05
I have been re-reading DR and thinking through some aspects of insisting that ow is gone before I venture out of the house with H. There are definitely arguments for and against.
Cas, I've been wanting to ask if you would summarize the arguments for and against insisting that OW is gone before moving forward in your R with H. I'm feeling frustrated that XH doesn't seem to want to end it with GF#2, even though he has acted frustrated with that R when he is with me.
P.S. I've been wanting to tell you Cas how impressed I am with the introduction to your new thread. Very thoughtful and verrrrrrrry niiiiiiiiice!
GAG - do you mind if I jump in here with the argument for and against the OW being out of the WAS life? Only mo, but I have done a lot of observing over the years.
The "need" for the OW is a part of the MLC in most cases - there are, as you know, other 'types' of affair. There is a lot written on the OW/OP, and I won't summarise it here.
The real question is whether true reconciliation can begin when the spouse still has some sort of need for OW. Or to put it another way, how do they find a path out of the MLC maze? Do we help them and can we help them, and if so in what way?
I suspect that they emerge in different ways. In the case of my h the OW could not be in the picture because at the first sign of it not being easy he always rushed back. For him, I am clear, it has to be over.
The danger of them transferring from OW to wife or exwife is that they haven't fully finished their crisis, and faced themselves. They have woken up enough to realise that the grass isn't greener, and that they were happy, and they want back in. And it works, sometimes. But not always
So [and as I said, this very much mo] I don't think there is a one size fits all answer. In my case OW would have to be gone, but in other cases it seems that the gradual detachment is part of the reconnection process. I don't think this way is without risk, but neither is the 'totally gone', as in those cases it can happen that the WAS simply cannot bring themselves to dig out. They get stuck.
Perhaps it all boils down to whether we can help our spouses in their crisis. In some cases yes, maybe, and in others they have to do it alone or not at all .
My mind is blank atm so I can't think of much more to add just now!
H had dinner with D and I last night after he helped D with something for school. He seemed very relaxed and it was an enjoyable meal. However, I have this resounding feeling that this will just drag on and on and I am tired of it all. I feel physically tired atm so perhaps that is influencing my thinking.
Had dinner with D and H last night at his home as I was late from work. Again, it was very comfortable.
S called and H told him I was there for dinner because we were both helping D with her homework.
D told us that my parents were going overseas (again!) and would be away for Christmas. That started a convo about Christmas. This would mean that all my family will be away and would leave just me, D and H here and S in another state. Very general conversation about possibilities about going to S's state. No commitments, just ideas thrown around but when I got home H text me with prices of flights at that time. Thought that was interesting. Is he thinking of going or just doing me a favour of checking the prices?
D has two concerts coming up which would require us to drive her. Arrangements made for us to take her and then go off and have a meal before coming back to collect here.
So all I can say is that H is obviously very comfortable with me but that's all I can say at this stage.
