Re-Bolt

[Bolt]

here's the thing that's hard about the poem.

See, I used to do that all of the time when we were first married. My W loved it because I had a great time with it, telling stories, writing little things to her in third person...it was fun and romantic to her.

She then said she missed those notes. She wished I would do more of them.

So it's almost a catch-22. The thing I have to do is not do it too much and DEFINITELY not expect anything out of it.

[Bolt]

just keeping status quo seems to be working fine for now. No pressure actually gives me more rewards. A kiss FROM her initiated by her last night.

funny how that all happens...

[Bolt]

have you guys had any heated arguments since piecing? One thing I've noticed is that we still have small arguments and they can get intense BUT they get resolved rather quickly. We are recognizing when they escalate and attempt to quell the intenseness and work towards a solution.

We're both very passionate so that can add fuel to the fire. What I like is that we are still both passionate (instead of indifferent) and that we are refocusing on the issue rather than the debate. It isn't about who's right or wrong. It's about a compromise.

[XYZ]

Can't say we have. The only difficult discussions have been about the R. But, with the exception of the year or so pre-bomb, we never really had heated fights. We were really good about discussing issues. Something changed in that terrible year, so it doesn't feel weird to me not to fight a lot.

[Harrier]

Guilty. We've had a few heated arguments, and yes voices were raised. They aren't as bad as before the bomb or don't have the same effect on us, but we've had them.

I kinda consider them par for the course. We are a married couple, we will have disagreements and they can get heated. What does it mean? I'm not afraid to have an argument because we are piecing. But I'm not going to pick fights over little stuff just to engage my wife. She said to me once, the arguments we do have show her how far we have come.

I think they are part of the learning process. I was never of the mind that not having arguments = a great marriage. I think the key is how you approached this disagreement. I think I've learned a few things regarding that.

[Bolt]

So I've been a little MIA for a few days. Things were a little up and down but at least the heights aren't as high as they used to.

Had a major breakthrough the last two days. Been reading Hold Me Tight very closely and thinking a lot. AND have been putting some of it's practices to work.

And it is paying off.

I'm learning new ways to communicate with my wife when things are either bothering me or are a little unsettling. For a few days now, W's stomach has been bothering her. She hasn't been able to go too far from the bathroom and hasn't been in the best of moods. She didn't go to the beach with the family for that reason - and I was cool with it.

Yesterday, she ran all over the place with a friend, shopping/eating...we had bible study last night and she said she didn't want to go because of the stomach thing...now normally, I would have said harsher words like, "So you could go shop but you can't spend time with me?!" Instead, I thought about it and put it in much gentler and kinder terms. I said, "Babe, it hurts me that you would rather spend time with your friends but not with me." She instantly comforted me by saying that she did want to go and that the day just drained her. We didn't fight at all and I was cool with the response. I felt I got what I wanted out and that it was relatively resolved.

When I got back, we talked a little but she was online when I was trying to talk. In the same earlier tone, I said, "I don't mind you talking at all online to your friends but I feel neglected when you do it when I'm right here talking to you." She agreed and apologized. I said, it's ok but we need to find some time for just US to talk. She agreed and said she would make time and wouldn't do the texting/IM stuff when we were talking.

So that turned out nice...but it wasn't until this morning that it really paid off.

We had a great talk. She even asked what negatives do I see in her. I actually had a hard time telling her some but did say that not being more intimate is a negative for our relationship. I said, not necessarily sex but being a little more receptive to touching and being closer. She said she's trying but that she just doesn't know about her feelings. I pulled her close and said sometimes, we just have to do things before we can feel them. We shared a very passionate...hug BUT I felt a TON closer. I could feel some of that wall fall away.

The rest of the morning was great! We had fun with the kids and she was very outgoing and always touched me when she walked by me.

This is the road I like. And I do feel it started with me communicating better. What this does is fill me with more confidence which will then make me even more attractive to her. It's all a snowball and it can be started with just one little push.

I do so like these kind of days better than the other kind

[Concerned_Listener]

I'm impressed. Good for you. It's not easy allowing oneself to be vulnerable and share those feelings. Well done.

CL

[Bolt]

Keeping it going!
even though at times during the day, I would feel a little down, today was a positive one.

Yesterday, we got to have lunch together after a good morning conversation. We actually talked about how to talk to each other. We really started connecting on an emotional level. I'm seeing changes when that happens.

Then a neighbor came over and told me that her and my W had spoken to her a few days back and said she was "done". Now normally, I would have freaked out and gone off the deep end but instead I realized where I was, where my W was and knew it was just her venting. I did it to others in the past only to calm down and feel fine moments later.

So I left it at that. I went to lunch with W and had a very good time. More good conversation and lots of future talk. Shared a kiss goodbye and went on our way.

The end of the night, we went to buy a laptop for W and had a fun time with the family. Lots of little hugs and kisses the rest of the night.

The morning was spent just cuddling watching part of the world go to hell. We didn't have any in depth convos but we enjoyed our time.

Now here's something that I did that was suggested to me from a good friend. I backed off the affectionate advances. Usually, I would initiate the kiss and when I would leave her for the night, I would give a goodnight kiss. This time, I just let it be and you know what? She came to me. She seeked me out to just nuzzle her head in my chest (something I LOVE her to do) then she looked up at me and gave me a good kiss.

Now to top things off today...I had a ton of stuff to do and was REALLY GAL'ing it. BUT some of the stuff on my list was for my W. She called me THREE times throughout the day. The first was at 9am - she starts her shift at 7:00am. She says, "I was just thinking about you and wanted to see how you were doing."

Scratch that off the goal list! Then she calls me two other times just to see how I'm doing. I dig it.

I didn't want to pursue but I did say, "I've been thinking about you all day." in a text. She loves hearing that and knows it makes her feel good. She returns, "THat's just because you've been running all around town for me." I responded, "Yeah, but I like doing things for you."

And then left it at that. I wanted her to know I'm still here and still want her but didn't pursue and won't when she comes home.

Now, I come to this board, not to vent but to get out my good feelings so I am not too high. I like a steadier even keel...I get more stuff done and feel more productive.

That other stuff? Sex, closer emotional connections...they're on their way but in the mean time, I like this feeling and want to keep it going.

[Bolt]

wow...I've been out of the loop.
Not that things have been great but they are just chugging along.
I do have a question to ask you guys.

W is still here and getting better every day...well, most days.
Still very little to no affection.
I can tell she's trying. She knows I like to hear from her during the day and she's been calling or texting when she's working. She also knows I like to be touched, even if we walk by each other and she gives me a little touch. She's been doing that too.

Here's what I'm afraid of.
We're moving in 3 days basically back to her hometown. I'm cool with it and have a lot of friends there too.
I'm completely over any sort of infidelity thoughts. It was all on me and I have owned it and am throwing it away.

My problem comes with...what to do next? We've put on hold any R talk until after the move. We've agreed to just go with the flow for now. I'm wondering how to actually start talking and actually start WORKING on the R.

Any suggestions???

[FindingMyVoice]

Hey Bolt. Two thoughts. First, seems to me like you're already working on the R, so don't worry that you're not. The communicating when things are bothering you, the nuzzles cuddles and little touches and kisses, that's ALL working on the R.

Second, as far as the talking goes, I've always found it easiest to get really clear exactly what I want to talk about, before I approach my H with it. It's when I'm not really clear what I want to say, or what I'm needing to hear his feedback on, that I begin wondering 'how'.