Not dumb at all Christienick. It just shows you you miss being married and all the feelings of love that go along with it. I (and most on this board) can relate 100%.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Hi there everyone, I came to these boards more than 3 years ago and they helped me cope with my H's determination to leave our marriage. He swore he was not having and affair and I believed him. I know--DUMB. He STILL claims he was not having an affair, but clearly it was an EA if not a sexual affair.
Though he did not tell me he was "seeing someone" until several months after he left (when our older daughter saw an email he and the OW had exchanged), he told me he actually did start seeing her that summer. He left at the end of June 2008, so do the math. And it was a woman he had worked with for several years and who left her own marriage at exactly the same time.
Anyway, fast forward to now: I had a bf for over year, which was fun and very distracting for a while, but ultimately it didn't work and we ended things a couple of months ago. I'm not heartbroken over that relationship, but it feels now like the anesthesia has worn off and I am re-experiencing the pain of H's leaving--and WORSE, much worse, the fact that he is still with the OW, who has two boys the same age as my girls. H & I have 50/50 custody, and essentially every other weekend they spend with him, his gf, and her two sons. My girls like all of them and often allude to the good times they have with dad, his gf, and her boys and it is still KILLING me.
I WANT to be OK with this, to meet her (I've asked H to introduce me several times and he won't because I've said some mean things about her). For my kid's sake, I want to rise above it all--but it's TOO HARD and I fall apart inside each time they mention their other life with dad and gf and the kids.
I know that if I were in a happy relationship, it would be so much easier. I can't say at this point that I love H or care much about his private life--but I still feel totally deceived by what he did and the fact that he INSTANTLY created this Brady-Bunch like family is a non-stop nightmare.
I've made a life for myself. I got a full time job a year ago, after 18 years freelancing during my marriage. I've dated and had a relationship. I realize that I will always be my D's mother no matter what, yet STILL I am beside myself with pain (have also been in therapy and taken ADs). I constantly have to pretend that I'm OK so my kids don't worry about me, and I'm just exhausted by the pretending.
So, I'm letting it out here because I found it so helpful back when we were just separating. I am NOT "standing," we are almost officially divorced, so that's no longer on the table. But I am in terrible pain over having to share my kids like this and I don't know what to do to get over it.
Thanks for letting me vent!
Me/H: 47/47 D14, D10 ILYBIDLYA: Oct 2007 H moved out: June 2008 D almost final
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
i know we try to hold on, but a sitch like that seeems like its done - most of the time the new relationship doesnt work, but here it appears it has - i think youhave to wish him happiness and go out and find your own now....
Oh, it's definitely done--I just can't stand how it's turned out and while wishing him happiness sounds good in theory, I am in way too much personal pain to actually feel that way. It's like the nightmare that I never wake up from. Just this morning I learned that he and his gf are heading to Rome for a week!
Mostly, I hate that he instantly created a whole new family with MY kids.
I am still in shock that my H--who was such a good guy with two capital G's, and who said he wasn't having an A, that he had to leave to be "alone" and to get "space" actually turned out to be a total MLC cliche. And he apparently feels no guilt whatsoever. It's just astonishing to me--and, again, hitting me anew now that my own post-M relationship is over.
Initially, it was kind of fun to be single again, to do online dating, to look forward to a new life. But now, 3 years later, I'm just tired and discouraged and completely pessimistic about my romantic future.
I know, I know--GAL, all that. I DO THAT and I keep doing it and I know I can't control what my XH does, but the anger and pain I feel is just unbearable.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
I am so sorry to hear that you too are feeling all of those feelings. I too feel EXACTLY the same feelings and I am sure many others do on this forum. Please know that I feel for you 100 %. Sadly there is nothing we can do about any of this.
Some days are better than others. Hope you have a few good days.
Thanks for posting to my thread. I appreciate it !
(((for a better day)))
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
newname - what kind of men did you meet on the dating scene? any nice guys? hows the prospects for a 47 yo female? i would think there are lots of nice guys.
No, I am still here. I am just burnt out of posting. Quiet frankly I am trying to not give any of this crap energy. Still good days and bad days but just plugging along.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
