Wow, you are doing so well in your healing journey. Your "lightbulb" is so important and sheds light on a totally new pathway you can choose. I'm happy you're so excited about trying something so new, terrifying ... and ultimately rewarding!
Thanks so much Cyrena! I'm just so lucky I'd already been in therapy and my IC was skilled enough to recognize my early signs of depression before it got too bad. (Lucky too, to have these boards to connect with all the helpful people here, like you!).
The ADs have really helped clear my head so my therapist could get me moving forward again. My energy level and spirits are still a little wonky; some days really up, some days I can't keep my eyes open and get down on myself. But overall, what a difference. I'm almost back to sleeping normally. When my insomnia was really bad in nov/dec, my dr had also prescribed clonazepam for nighttime. It was great then, as it allowed me the sleep I needed so badly. But now - phew! It's proving to be very difficult to taper off from. Making progress though by tapering slowly, and expect to be off it within a couple weeks. What an unexpectedly strong drug.
My 'lightbulb' has already given me the courage and insight to look at a particular (financial) situation at home in a new way, and see I had needs there that I'd never even realized, let alone spoke about. So, I let my H know that I'd revisited the issue; we had a good talk about it and he was completely on board. How empowering and connecting! It also got me through some difficult situations at work yesterday. Love those lightbulbs!
So, the journey's been a long one (and yes, scary!), but very healing and proving to be rewarding as well. Thanks again for your encouragement and cheer - it means a lot to me!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Another big step forward this morning. One of the things that has really strained my feelings for my H over the years, is that when there's a time of stress or crisis, he'll often either say the worst, unsupportive thing I can imagine, or, he'll bail, leaving me mentally or physically alone to deal with whatever's just happened. But this morning... wow... this is what happened:
I'd had an AWFUL night of sleep because of horrid nightmares that woke me up at 4am, then anxiety that kept me awake for a long time afterwards. (I think all due to coming off this stupid anti-anxiety med)
So when we finally get up for the day, H says good morning and asked how I was. I told him not well, and just that I woken up early again. He didn't say anything, but after I had my shower I found him waiting for me in the bedroom. He asked me again if everything was alright. So I fessed up and told him that I'd had nightmares again, and what did he say? He said - with SO much kindness and empathy in his voice and manner - "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that... do you want to talk about it?"
That, men, is the golden question. I actually didn't even want to talk about the nightmares at all (they were THAT frightening and repulsive) and until then, I'd been still stewing over them. But once he asked... it made me feel like he CARED about what happens to me and WOULD talk with me about it if I wanted him to... god. You have no idea the relief that washed over me. Gave me tears in my eyes; I thanked him so much for just asking, and was surprised how much better I felt after that. I stopped stewing, and we went and played with the pups for a while I drank my coffee.
Note to self: It's also a golden reminder to ME to spit out the actual honest-to-god real problem right when it happens. If I wouldn't have, maybe he wouldn't have even asked and I'd still be stewing.
Before he left for work we had a long, warm hug.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Sounds like we are on paralleled paths. I too have been having nightmares, sleeplessness, depression. Came out for a reprieve, but got slammed because of anniversary of discovering....
I don't like to impose on anyone's thread, but I'm in some emotional trouble today.
If anyone has the time to stop by MLC and my thread Piecing via Shoots and Ladders I'd sure appreciate it.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Just an update; not much new to report. Still just focusing on asking for what I need when and if I need something; noticed too that I seem to be talking more with him. Not just about deeper, meaningful stuff, but about anything really. Even goofy thoughts or comments that I would have held back before in fear that it sounded silly. It feels a little odd to me to be talking so much these days (IDK, maybe it's the ADs?), but whatever the 'why', I think it's a good thing. And I think he likes it.
We had a number of very busy weeks in the last month, where we'd just see each other over breakfast and then just before bed. It started making me nervous and worried that it would lead to more disconnect. And then he was so tired he bailed on a date night. So at first, I did my usual 'retreat and withdraw'. Which - you guessed it - didn't help either of us. But the next day I finally opened up. I just told him about my fears around it without either blaming him or being critical of myself for wanting the connection. And, it led to some good discussions about how we BOTH realized how important our date nights were in keeping the connection happening - particularly when life got very busy.
Oh! We need cheap date night ideas! Anyone with suggestions?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Journal. This likely won't make sense to anyone. No reply needed. Just needed to sit and write... I continue to be surprised at the grief I feel for what I lost as a child. I never had considered that there were 'losses' there but there were. And I'm wrapping my head around how they affected who I became; the way I interact with my H. I guess this is all part of the process. I can see how it's moved as I read my journal. Moving away from my head; trying to understand my mom's side - trying to 'figure her out'- what topics would make her mad? When should I say this? I shouldn't say 'this', I should pretend I don't think 'that'. And then a few weeks back I saw a glimmer of the crap and deception it all was. All the tip-toeing, the placating, the swallowing blame, anger and accusations that were thrown at me... none of that was ever mine to deal with.
And that's when it actually began to hurt. Things that I looked back on that I thought, 'There's no need to hurt... it didn't hurt then so hurting over it now is just making a big deal out of nothing'; or, 'I shouldn't feel hurt over this - other people have had it much worse' Well I was wrong. They did hurt. I just couldn't feel it back then.
So now I sit and hurt. And as sh*tty as it feels it also feels good in a weird way. Like now I'm actually hurting for myself and what I lost, instead of the hurt that comes from trying to understand and accept everyone but me.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I totally understand where you're coming from. I recognize the pain of coming to accept that the choices which adults in your life made when you were young changed you from becoming the person you might otherwise have become, without your ever having any input in it.
I think that feeling the pain is a HUGE step--the movement away from numbness signals that you are becoming more authentic with your emotions, more "alive." You're honouring what your child-self should have received, which will set that needy, lovely girl free. I continue to be so impressed by how you handle yourself on your journey.
Thanks Cyrena, CL... I'm very thankful for all the support that helped me get my marriage reconnected first. I think that if it hadn't turned into my 'safe, warm place to be' I wouldn't have had the strength or enough self-compassion to work through all this old unresolved pain. It likely would have stayed buried, continuing to hurt me and affect how I function in all my relationships.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
