Stuck Like Crazy Glue II

[ScaredinCanada]

Morning Everyone,

I haven't been on the board in a few days, just was busy enjoying my kids while the W was away.

She got back late Saturday as their flight was delayed, so I didn't actually see her until Sunday.

We chated about the trip, I did my best to be interested and asked my D6 abut what she did and the fun she had.

I told my W, that "WE" missed them and she replied "Yes, I reaally missed D5 and D2" specifcally not mentioning me. Then started saying how depressing it was to be home, that she was so happy and optimistic when she was away (No kidding - she was on vacation, no work, only 1 kid and no me!)

I asked her if she was going to wish me a late Happy Birthday and she just said, "No it's not your birthday now, it's passed". I just said, we'll you could have called on my birthday?! She just said, "I wasn't paying attention to the days while I was away and didn't even realize it was your birthday." What BS, whatever.

Her first day back she went to look at houses again (she first lied to me and then admitted it). She went to get photos developed and she was gone for 3 hours.

I'm at a bit of a cross-roads emotionally. I'm detached from the feelings I have for her, in the fact that I am ok with the potential outcome of us not being together, but unfortunately I still feel love for her, so I'm ready for the end of us.

She still is distant, and just seems like she's moved on without me, even though we still live together.

I'm going out with my brothers and a bunch of friends for a big birthday bash this weekend (a few of us with March birthday's), and I'm really looking forward to it. I invited my W before she left, and she basically just said she wasn't interested. When she got back she mildly complained about me going out, but when I told her she was welcome to come and reminder her that I had opened the invitation to her - she said that we didn't have a baby-sitter almost as an excuse for her to come.

Anyways, I'm going to book the MC this week evenn though my W now seems to have no interest in going to MC. I'm not exactly sure what changed, or if simply the bad experience with the IC turned her off to councelling in general?

As the warmer weather starts I'm sure she'll want to discuss listing the house - I'm not looking forward to those conversations.

At times, I still cannot believe this is happening in my life -

I'm at a bit of a crossroads here, thinking about moving on and having serious conversations with my W about the steps to move on. It's not what I want deep down in my heart, but I'm not happy now and the emotional toll of the sitch is something I worry will continue to effect me for a long time to come.

SIC

[punchy]

Hey SIC...

I know the feeling about the "I can't believe this is happening". I wake up every morning and the first thought that comes to my mind, is whether or not this situation is real. Tough way to start the day.

I can also relate to you being at a crossroad. I ask myself all the time is this what I want for the rest of my life. How much can you invest in a relationship when you are not getting enything in return? If you asked my wife that question she would tell you 10 years. According to her, thats how long she waited for me to change before she pulled the plug. My 15 months is nothing compared to her 10 years. This is what keeps me going at this time. I need to show her that I ahve made permanent changes and that I can put the needs of others ahead of my needs. This is something I ahve not shown in the past.

As tough as things get with your wife and she does seem to like poking at you, you need to stick to the plan. Continue to be the new you and focus on being a great dad. Even if your wife does leave, you will be a much better person than you were at the start of this journey and the only person that you can thank for this is your wife.

In a strange way, she has given you the ultimate gift. The realization that you needed to become a better person. I told my wife that if I had died the day before the bomb was dropped, I doubt that my familiy would have even cared. My wife couldn't stand me and my kids were afraid of me. It would be a much different reaction today based on the changes that I have made.

Its hard for someone else to love you if you don't love yourself and who your are. Until you become the person that you are totally happy with, its difficult to expect others to fall in line. Hang in there.

[Redo]

SIC, i dont think i commented on your sitch, but i have been following it.

I understand what you mean when you say "I can't believe this is happening" . I get up every day with this feeling. It is the worst feeling in the world.

Just like you and punchy, I really am getting to the point where i might actually be 'happy' once our divorce is over. It will leave me free to search for a better person. But i feel horrible when i get this thought as i still love my wife and would love for us to bring up our lil daughter well.

[ScaredinCanada]

Hey SIC...

I know the feeling about the "I can't believe this is happening". I wake up every morning and the first thought that comes to my mind, is whether or not this situation is real. Tough way to start the day.

I can also relate to you being at a crossroad. I ask myself all the time is this what I want for the rest of my life. How much can you invest in a relationship when you are not getting enything in return? If you asked my wife that question she would tell you 10 years. According to her, thats how long she waited for me to change before she pulled the plug. My 15 months is nothing compared to her 10 years. This is what keeps me going at this time. I need to show her that I ahve made permanent changes and that I can put the needs of others ahead of my needs. This is something I ahve not shown in the past.

As tough as things get with your wife and she does seem to like poking at you, you need to stick to the plan. Continue to be the new you and focus on being a great dad. Even if your wife does leave, you will be a much better person than you were at the start of this journey and the only person that you can thank for this is your wife.

In a strange way, she has given you the ultimate gift. The realization that you needed to become a better person. I told my wife that if I had died the day before the bomb was dropped, I doubt that my familiy would have even cared. My wife couldn't stand me and my kids were afraid of me. It would be a much different reaction today based on the changes that I have made.

Its hard for someone else to love you if you don't love yourself and who your are. Until you become the person that you are totally happy with, its difficult to expect others to fall in line. Hang in there.

Thanks Punchy, my W has said all of the same. She's tried for 15 years...and I've just started trying.

The biggest issue is she just tells me she doesn't feel love for me, and that she has no idea how to change that and she doesn't see the point in "trying" to love someone. She believes it should be a magically feeling, there shouldn't be effort required to love someone. She compares it to how she loves our kids...

The first seemingly positive thing she's said in weeks yesterday. "I want to sell the house, so we can be free of debt and have fun and enjoy life, and I want to do this regardless if we stay together or not." It hit me like a ton of bricks, the first time she's even hinted at anything when it comes to us?!

I'm still in the game, just having doubts and feeling about whether I want to have this hanging over my head for the rest of my life - if every mistake I make I'll be worrying that she is going to leave.

I also worry that her talking about downsizing houses, and still referencing us is just to make me come along for the ride nicely until everything is done - and then she'll "walk-away" for good.

I assume everyone else deals with these questions about "if" you reconcile, if the potential for her to walk-away again ever leaves your mind?

SIC

[ScaredinCanada]

SIC, i dont think i commented on your sitch, but i have been following it.

I understand what you mean when you say "I can't believe this is happening" . I get up every day with this feeling. It is the worst feeling in the world.

Just like you and punchy, I really am getting to the point where i might actually be 'happy' once our divorce is over. It will leave me free to search for a better person. But i feel horrible when i get this thought as i still love my wife and would love for us to bring up our lil daughter well.

Thanks Karma, I'm not sure what will actually bring me "happiness"? At this point I'm not sure if either option will ACTAULLY bring me happiness. Like I addressed to Punchy, I worry that even if we reconcile there will always be the potential for her "walk-away" again.

Does anyone have a good response to how my W can find love for me again? It seems to be her major road block right now - because obviously she has a fantasy attachment to "how" love is supposed to happen.

[hangten]

Love is a decision. For better or worse. I'm a stupid idealist. Wish I can believe in unicorns and fairies.

[ScaredinCanada]

So this weekend will be really interesting. My W knows I am going out Saturday night, taking a limo bus (with 30+ people) out of town to party for my birthday.

She keeps asking me details about it (ie. what time you leaving, what bar are you going too, who else is going, etc) and I keep giving her vague details.

I'll likely not come home that night either and crash at someone else's place. I'm sure she'll assume the worst (or best?!?) about my activities that night, but I'm only planning to have fun, get drunk and forget my problems for a night.

When I get home Sunday it's going to be very interesting to see how interested she will be to get all the details.

Also, I plan to get a hair cut, wax my eye brows (very thick), shave, dress in new shirt and tie and make sure she sees me before I leave.

[ScaredinCanada]

Afternoon everyone,

First off I hope any friends or family in Japan are safe. Such an incredible disaster.

My time on this forum has been dwindling as I both try to get back to my life and also get busier at work.

Weekend out was fun, but as per normal with me I drank far too much and made a fool of myself (that's part of why I had stopped drinking). At the same time, I appeared to catch the flu virus that my W and D6 have had over the last week, and I spent the entire night on Sunday vomiting.

My sitch seemed to take somewhat of a positive turn for me, in the fact that my W came to me to tell me she understands that she cannot afford to go it alone. Although she still has not interest in "trying" with us. She says maybe that will change, but that she doesn't know how that will happen. She says we can just "live the same as we have for years" until the kids grow up and move out and then we can figure out what to do.

I don't see how she really believes that, and it makes me wonder if she is being honest. She has been talking about selling our house and downsizing so we can remove some stress and financial burden while spending more money on fun. I like this idea, it feels like the right thing to do.

As a friend of mine said, "She feels trapped." Can I make her feel confortable in a sitch like this? I'm trying to be supportive and listen to her, but I worry that she has another motive.

Regardless from my perspective it feel like a lot less tension, I feel like she is talking to me more regularly (mostly about everyday stuff), but I'll take what I can get. I'm trying to be respectful of her, and let her find my way back to me. I also feel like we are somewhat in a stage of piecing?

Anyways, I'm not sure if anyone is still following - but I'll continue to journal and read other stich's and comment as time allows.

I hope all of the BITS are doing ok.

SIC

[Denver_2010]

SIC - This all sounds very good. The only advice that I will give you is to continue with your 180s and continue to do your very best to show your W how lucky she is to be 'trapped' with you!

Can you get her into counseling? If so, make sure to look for a solutions based counselor.

BITS
Denver

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks Denver.

If I book a C, I confident she'll go. I've just been waiting for the right time.

I forgot to mention the other day my W told me, "I don't deserve your love." Which I assume she is saying this because she isn't reciprocating.

The 180's are huge, but at times it's hard because a big one was in the past I didn't make time for her. Now I make the time, but it annoys her because I'm there too much! lol

Hitting the gym still and being healthy, staying off the laptop, spending more time with the kids - reducing the amount of attention on sports.