DNO, I do still need to make adjustments with my W regarding when she is disrespectful towards me. I think it will come down to breaking the fear and avoidance patterns and directly responding to her when she is dierespectful or having a tantrum. It can be accomplished with different styles (mine will be different than yours or others). I will also have to break the pattern of thinking I'm trapped, paralyzed, or powerless when she acts in these ways. I think most of the situations aren't going to require me to throw lamps through a window, but simply to respond with conviction. The tone and manner may be what's most important.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Yes, from memory so the exact terms might be off a smidge, the 5 Love Languages are like:
Words Of Affirmation Quality Time Conversation Physical Touch Gifts
Words Of Affirmation is something that is easy to think about. It could go all the way back to her childhood. She did something good and her parents told her how great/special/smart or whatever she was. You grow up working very hard because hearing those words makes you feel very good or well....great/special/smart.
It is easy to see how a person could blossom on a diet of Words Of Affirmation. Imagine if you are wired where that is your primary love language. Imagine the effect if you were deprived of that. You might sleep elsewhere to try to find this kind of validation.
Really dig into that book. It is an easy read. You could really read it in a night, if not two.
Lamp throwing was more to paint a powerful picture. I think you sometimes need a little something to light a fire under you. Seriously though, woman like a little fire. My wife is fond of saying, she needs a man who can throw her around a little in the bedroom (again metaphor but she does say it).
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
She continued to bond with a classmate who she likes, and may be moving close to where we live. CL
Is this "classmate" a man ? I find it strange that you don't specify this seeing as how she has a habit of cheating on you and blatantly doing it right in your face.
I saw this from you in the past , something about her going on a motorcycle trip with a "friend". You strangely didn't mention whether this was a man or a women and also seemed to accept this as no big deal. A little peculiar.
Words Of Affirmation Quality Time Conversation Physical Touch Gifts
If I were to evaluate myself based on these qualities, I could see why my W left me eight years ago. I was lacking in all these qualities. I began to give her quality time in 2005 when I accompanied her to a dance class, and have stuck with it ever since. She continues to be after me to engage with her in conversation. I like to sit quietly, enjoying my surrounding, which drives her nuts. Physical touch is lacking, and has been throughout the M. I keep Words of Affirmation to myself, but am making an effort to give more compliments.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Following one of our classes, my W threatened to our instructor that she was quitting the dance we've been working on in our private lessons (Mambo), for the past six weeks. She stated this in front of our classmates. She said that we weren't making progress. Our classmates cleared out, sensing a brewing conflict. After listening to both of us, and how we practice, our instructor advised us to first work on the routine to tempo (her preference), without worrying about mistakes, and then to practice it slowly on specific elements (my preference). We took his advice, and the next night had a great practice. Afterwards, we discussed the problem and she proposed adding a second dance (Samba) rather than waiting to start it later this year. We've also agreed to scale-back the private lessons to bi-weekly to extend our lessons over a longer period of time.
I think I've been making progress with mental strength, and being more present in the relationship. After looking at the list of Love Languages, I can see that I need to work on being more compassionate in my personal life.
She has been attending dance classes twice per week with me. It's good for both of us to get out of the house, and spend time with our dance family, and learn new dance elements and patterns. We always go afterwards to our favorite bar for a meal and beer.
My W continues with her personal training, and it' starting to show results after two weeks. I mentioned to her that I noticed a broadening of her shoulders, and some definition in her arms and legs. She's spending more time at the fitness center, which has prompted me to join her after work two nights per week, and increase my time spent exercising.
I still privately wonder when she's going to start job hunting. She plans on it the night before, but never makes it to the weekly job-hunting group. She mentioned to me that she considers this a time of self-care. We haven't been going to a weeknight dance venue, because she's self-conscious about her weight (142 lb.). I withhold comment on that topic, grateful that she now has some forward momentum with exercise. She intends on buying some more private training sessions, as it provides structure and accountability for her.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I mentioned to her that I noticed a broadening of her shoulders, and some definition in her arms and legs.
Bingo! Words of Affirmation. Do more of that. Have you read the book yet?
While your wife's acting out in class was bad, the resolution was quite positive. This situation could have spiraled horribly. All in all pretty decent, no?
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
The dance instructor told my W that he wasn't going to let her quit, aligning with me. He also heard her concerns, and shared how he and his partner had a similar conflict. He normalized the conflict as part of the growing pains of being dance partners. It's interesting that the solution combined both of our styles, and had each of us move more into the other person's style (increasing my pace, and slowing hers down).
She glowed about my comment throughout the evening. My comment was sincere, and observant of small, but significant improvement in her tone.
I haven't read the book yet, but will look for opportunities to provide compliments.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
She glowed about my comment throughout the evening. My comment was sincere, and observant
Virtual high fives to you!
I want you to really stop and consider how happy, your one small action made her. When one finds the right way to love a person, things can turn on a dime.
I think you are so on to something here. She glowed. What YOU did made HER feel good. On the count of that, her being with you made her feel good (positive re-enforcement). That is the whole point of a relationship. Someone to enhance your life. That is what you did, you enhanced.
I am very excited for you and the possibilities this represents. You should be excited for you. Read the dam book before I come there and hit you over the head with it!
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
