Thanks everyone for the continued support! Hope! It is so nice to hear from you. We were starting to get worried about you!
Update:
Today was a very good day bw W and I ... but we, or maybe it was just me.. but we did face several challenges.
First, I think that everyone is tired. I has 3 hours of sleep the night before I flew out here, and then got only another 3 last night. W, MIL, SIL, niece and SS have been here the extra night, but you can tell that they are all tired from lack of sleep and the trip in general. BTW, SIL is pregnant and MIL has an injured back, so W had to carry everyone's luggage around during their trip out here and then up the stairs to the bedrooms (as I was not here yet).
As I've probably said before, SS is very challenging for anyone trying to get him to comply with rules or directions... especially if I am not present. This has been an additional stress on everyone.
My niece is only 2 years old... cute as hell, but ... well, she's 2!
So W's grandma's funeral was today. It went very smoothly. As it began, W and I sat down. W immediately moved in very close to me and I put my arm around her. We sat like that for the entire funeral. At one point she began to cry (it was a funeral) and I was able to comfort her as best I could.
She didn't seem to have any problems introducing me to her family members as her H. We are both wearing our wedding rings. We went and ate with everyone after the funeral. I was cheerful and carried on conversation with everyone that I met. I focused on showing genuine interest in meeting her family... this is a 180 for me as I have always had very little interest in this... And the difference is... that now I really do have an interest in sharing this with my W... I see that it is part of sharing our lives with one another. She has always been good at it... me... not so much.
Driving back to the house was where I was first challenged. They rented a mini van with 3 rows of seating. I was in second row with niece... W was in the 3rd row with SS. It was a quiet ride bc everyone was really tired. W received a text and began having a text convo with someone.
I began to feel anger inside of me... I began assuming that it was OM texting her. I texted a friend of mine about my feelings. I was wisely advised not to worry about it, that I was assuming things, and that it didn't matter that much anyway bc I am the one that is here in Buffalo with W ... not OM.
It took me a good hour or so to get over this feeling... and during that time, I was able to act 'as if' nothing was wrong with me. I don't think that W caught on that I was mad.
My anger really boils down to just being impatient. I want the OM deal to be put to rest so that I don't have to feel paranoid and feel like I'm looking over my shoulder all of the time.
So we got back to the house... W and I went outside so she could smoke. It was raining so I held an umbrella for her. We hung out at the house for a while with SIL and MIL ... I watched a movie with niece and SS went to play with a kid who lives next door.
In the evening, we all went to dinner. I didn't say anything, but I gave my credit card to the waitress and paid for everyone's dinner and drinks.
After we got back to the house from dinner, W, SS and myself went out to look for a liquor store. W and I planned to stay up and have a drink. Funny... Buffalo's liquor stores are few and far bw and they close early. Anyway, we bought some beer at a Walgreens ... yes, a Walgreens!
During the trip, SS began to have attitude with both of us and especially W. He refused to follow her or my directions. By the time that we got home, SS was mad at both W and myself.
Before W left me, this would have been a situation where I would have become so frustrated and angry that I would have lashed out at SS ... I have always felt a need to protect my W from the problems that SS causes for her. Usually, my efforts result in W and I arguing bc of the stress that it causes us.
I was able to address this issue completely different tonight. I let W handle it and then later talked with SS about how I was disappointed in his behavior. By the end of the night, he was hugging me and calmed down.
W and I stayed up for about 2 hours talking about M/R. Nothing really new here. W is still concerned that things bw us will revert back to how they were before. I repeated much of what I have already told her, but also told her that I don't want her to come back to me bc I have talked her into it. I want her to come back bc she sees that I have changed and believes that things CAN be different. I told her that I want to show her by my actions that things will be different, but that I can't do that unless she gives me the chance.
W volunteered that OM has texted her while I've been here. That he is 'not doing well' with me being here with her. That he tells her that he wants her to be happy and that if working things out with me is what will do that, then that is what he wants. But she also admitted that she knows that anything he says is swayed by his feelings for her.
I repeated what I did last night.... I rubbed her back and ran my hand through her hair until she went to sleep. At one point, I asked her if she remembered on our honeymoon me telling her with tears in my eyes how proud and happy I was that she was my W. She said that she did. I told her that that is how I have always felt, do now more so than ever, and explained to her just how sorry that I am that I ever made her feel differently... how sorry that I am that I didn't continue to show her just how proud and happy that I am that she is my W.
After she went to sleep, I noticed that she had 2 text messages from OM on her phone that will go unanswered until tomorrow.... I am going to bed smiling.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I am LITB! Just returned last night from my trip to Buffalo. I am exhausted... mostly emotionally. I am going to try to update tonight, but the trip was great!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Excellent. Glad to hear. As I'm sure most of us here, I'm looking forward to your update.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Ok... I have the last 3 days of my trip to Buffalo and today to update on. I'm just going to list the highlights.
But before I get into that... The night that I got upset over the text messaging, W told me who she had been messaging with. It was not OM. She volunteered this info. I know that OM texted her during the trip and I'm sure that W responded. But I don't think that it was a whole lot. And I know for a fact that she ignored 2 of his texts on Friday night.
Saturday
Great day. W and I got along great. No R talk. W complimented me in the morning after I got dressed. She said to me "You look handsome today. but you always look handsome"
W brought up me wanting to take she and SS snow mobiling up in the mountains and asked when i wanted to do that. We discussed it and agreed to go this coming weekend. She brought up getting a place and staying the night. I nearly jumped out of my skin to agree. (unfortunately, she later remembered that she has a bday party to go to... but she invited me to be her 'date' so all is good).
At dinner W put her hand on my knee for a few seconds.
W and I had a beer together at bedtime. She laid on the couch where she was sleeping and put her leg up on me while I sat next to her. She let me show her physical affection by running my hand on her back and through her hair. I gently kissed her (not lips) at different points. She fell asleep. I kissed her again and whispered to her 'goodnight sweet girl'... she smiled ... not sure if she was still asleep or not.
Sunday
We went to lunch with her cousin and his boyfriend. Very similar to Saturday with the contact bw W and I. She let me put my are around her, let me give her a kiss on the cheek a couple of different times, etc. At lunch, she and I were sitting next to each other. When everyone else was involved in their own conversation, I leaned over to her and told her that she looked beautiful. It has always been a running joke bw us that she doesn't know how to respond to a compliment when I give it to her. We shared a laugh about this when I told her that she is beautiful.
We took a drive up to the Canadian side of Niagra Falls. It was a very long day. While W and I spent a lot of the time hanging out and and enjoying our trip together, I focused on making sure that SS and niece were having fun. SIL is pregnant, so I also helped a lot with carrying niece and getting her in and out of her winter bundle (it was freezing!).
On the way home, I saw in middle row of mini van with niece and W sat in back row with SS. I reached back to rub her leg... she grabbed my hand. We held hand for a few minutes.
Bedtime was the same as it was Saturday night. I sat with W until she fell asleep, kissed her goodnight and whispered 'goodnight sweet girl'... she again smiled.
Monday
Packed in the morning and W drove me to airport.
On the way there W asked me about the marriage counseling that I want to do. She told me that she thought that SS needed to be involved in our counseling in some way due to his issues and how he has perceived what has happened bw she and I. I agreed and told her that I would start looking into things when I got back to Denver.
When we arrived at the airport and got my luggage out of the car, she and I embraced in a big hug. She told me that she was 'really happy' that I came out to Buffalo, and that she had a lot of fun hanging out with me. I kissed her on the lips and we said goodbye.
Before I got on my flight, she texted me to let me know that she found her way back to her grandma's house. Not going to include everything said but the highlights:
W: "Let me know when you're situated on the plan so that I know u r on your way. Had fun with you here. Glad you came. Thanks again for coming!"
Me: "I had a blast with you. You don't have to thank me. If its up to me, yu're going to have a tough time going anywhere without me from now on. "
W: " "
Later... right before my plane took off...
Me: "Plane getting ready to take off. I will call or text you from Atlanta. Luv u guys."
W: "Ok. Save travels. Love u 2!"
Later during my layover in Atlanta...
Me: "Just got to Atlanta."
W: "Glad you are there. We are going to Anchor Bar for dinner tonight!"
Me: "Nice! I will talk to you later tonight."
W: "Ok. Have fun at the airport. Let me know when u r leaving Atlanta please."
Me: "Ok!"
Later during my layover...
W: "I forgot that A's bday party is this Saturday. Can't go to the mountains. Sorry!"
Me: "Ok. Let me know if there is another weekend. "
W: "Maybe the 26th or the next weekend."
Me: "Ok. Damn. I was looking forward to it."
W: "Sorry. I'm sure it'll work out. Maybe I'll take you as my date Saturday."
Me: "Ooo... me as a date?? Luv it!! "
W: "Lol!" ---------
We talked again briefly when I arrived in Denver and then again, briefly, before bed. Nothing to really note here.
Tuesday (today)
W texted me very early when she was getting on her flight and again when she landed in Chicago. I was still in bed. I sent her a brief reply when I woke up thanking her for letting me know that she and SS were safe. She texted me again when they were back safely in Denver.
Later in the day, I texted her to let her know that I had decided not to go into my office bc I was tired. She called me. She was laying down for a nap. We agreed to talk later.
She called again when she woke up. She mentioned that she was hungry, so I invited her to meet me for an early dinner. She agreed.
We met, had dinner and then walked over to a Verizon store. We share a cell phone plan. We began looking at the iphones bc both of us need new phones. The sales rep told us that we would get a huge discount if we wanted to buy new iphones as long as we signed a 2 year contract.
I offered to buy us the new phones as long as she thought it was wise for us to sign a new 2 year contract together. She didn't flinch. So we got new cell phones!
The biggest thing to note about this contact is that W was STILL wearing her wedding rings ... even though we were back in Denver and away from the family that she was worried about not knowing about our separation. I had already decided that I'm going to keep wearing mine but not bring it up to her.
By the time this was all done, it was getting late. We said goodnight and that we'd talk tomorrow.
Things seem to be progressing well.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
That sounds nice. And a 2 year commitment! Sounds very good. I guess she is thinking of a family therapist to include SS. I still think the Retrouvaille weekend is what you need to push not just OM, but the idea of other men out of her heart, and move back into a committed relationship. Slow and steady is good, but there's nothing like a high intensity push to get people motivated.
Not much else to add Denver other than thank you for sharing your (hopefully ongoing) success stories! Sometimes the best advice and the most hope comes from watching someone struggle and succeed.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
"
Sorry!"