Journaling: no direct contact with W since the 19th, TM on the 22nd no reply to TM from me. No need.
I visited Mom today and tried to allay some of her anxiety. I was not very successful. She knows I am trying to protect her.
Had a nice TM conv with my son before I left Mom’s house she was happy he checked in and is ok. He became a member of the same mil branch as I did years ago. He is freezing at night, training at a base I was stationed at. I know how cold the nights there can get this time of year. We kept the conv focused away from this sitch and on what he is doing to increase his comfort level at night. It felt hollow to not discuss this with him, but he needs to be able to focus on what he is doing.
I know this is not related to W or my sitch, but it helps me to put it down. W was not my whole world, though I was not as detached from her as she needed me to be. We share culpability on that. My psychic powers have not worked in years.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
When I first signed onto this board, I lurked and copied threads to review later. A lot of what I was going through was overwhelming so I copied things I thought might have meaning to digest later. I keep reading and absorbing. I have recently read again a thread titled Sermons. I cannot give credit to the poster, but I thank them for putting it up.
It has helped me accept that the fifteen year old persona that W is displaying is part of her MLC, and not a psychic break into another personality. I don’t know how to deal with it, but acceptance may make it easier. I do wonder how her support group views this persona. Possibly as a stress induced reaction? IDK and probably never will.
IMO her stated goal of owning a small place to raise the grandchildren is a return to motherhood. This was a period in our marriage when we were very happy. Especially when the children were small and we could show them the world. I never looked at how we became surrogate parents to the nieces and nephews in that light but in retrospect it makes a sort of sense.
W had huge emotional problems in 2007 when our son announced his intention to become a Marine. She blamed me for his decision. She was understandably proud watching him graduate and seemed at ease while he attending training. Very nervous during his first deployment, then angry and upset when he married without giving us an opportunity to attend.
This latest upset began during our sons Christmas leave about two days after he told his mom of his upcoming deployment. During Christmas she purchased several EPTs and asked DIL to see if she was pregnant. She told the kids of her intention to D during this time and then dropped the bomb on me, 1-1-2011.
I am attempting to put a timeline around all of this. Not in anticipation of an end point, but to help me get my head around it. I have less hope now than before, but I have placed my faith in my God to resolve this. I pray for an opportunity to work on establishing a new relationship, I love this woman. I hope she resolves her issues and decides to work on it with me someday soon, but if not I will flourish.
I am GALing, we are dark, perhaps to dark. I have detached enough that the emotional rollercoaster is less and of shorter durations. Suggestions of other things to better me and comments are welcome
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Right now Just, right now? Nothing hurts likes this. It is all consuming. Your fears are silly compared to this. Face them down. Afraid of spiders? Go to Petco, get up close to the glass, buy that suck put it in a glass cage somewhere in your house. Afraid of heights? Tallest building in town, go up and look down. Afraid of rollercoasters, get on a real one, not this self made on based upon emotions. Afraid of water? Join the Y learn to swim.
Don't just beat your fears...destroy them.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
So give me a moment to vent. I am so angry and resentful I could spit in W face.
I know this will pass. Even now it is leaving. I was returning from leagues tonight. It is about a 20 minute drive and you know how ones mind can wander on familiar roads. I shot just below my average. It is not the fault of this sitch. My form fell apart on the last 10 arrows. I even had target panic once and shot a flier. I felt bad letting my partner down as he was shooting below his average also and needed me to pick up the points. So after diagnosising why I failed to improve my average I began to think about this sitch.
I became increasing resentful over how selfish W is now. I know this is a manifestation of her state of mind, but this rationalization is not helping now. It is terrible to say, but honestly a part of me wishes she is hurting as much as I am.
I have prayed for calmness and strength to let this negative go. I picked up the djembe and banged out a few rhythms. I am very very very rusty. It was terrible. I will fix myself a drink and lurk here for a bit. I hope to gain strength from you all. I am not a regular drinker, but I am going to have one, maybe two to relax.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Listen man. Every WAS puts on a brave front. It goes with the role of being the bomb dropper. Trust me they are in just as much anxiety and confusion as anyone else living a crisis mode. This is a crisis for them as well as all of us; remember that.
For my sitch, it turned out W was bound and determined to get out of the M. Once she makes it all legal, we'll see if that makes life any better for. No one can convince her that in the fog she's in, really nothing like that is the real answer to happiness. But she'll never find out until she goes thru it.
It may be a relief at first, but after she checks off a few items on her bucket list her eyes will probably begin to open. It may be too late by then; who knows? I'm not getting any younger, and I have my life to live.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Thanks for the response, intellectually I know this is true, and I am coming to grips that she may need to complete her journey before rethinking her decision. Long range planning and delayed gratification never were her strong suits.
The cycles of anger and resentment I feel are lessoning in intensity. I guess I am moving slowly to acceptance. I know I will cycle back several more times and I pray I don’t melt down.
It is aggravating that before her are examples of where she will crash and burn, one SIL and several cousins, but she is certain that it won’t happen to her. We used to talk about their sitchs and promised each other we wouldn’t let US arrive at that point. We chose each other and we chose to make the relationship work.
She has now chosen not to, and is attempting to gain as much as possible despite the havoc created among other loved ones. The pain caused because she doesn’t see or seeing, doesn’t care is the hurdle we are all trying to get past. That I can only deal with my pain and cannot shelter others is frustrating. I have always been the rock others anchor to. It was one of the things she was attracted to and family relied upon. This role gave me solace and only in private moments would I share my pain with her. Now I share my pain with this board, my sister and one cousin.
From the point of view of this sitch I am just marking time waiting for the fog to clear. Detachment is increasing and patience I have so I will mark time.
I am filling my days with work, and other activities some GAL and some daily maintenance like playing with the dog. I am acting as if I have moved on. Sometimes I think I have and other times like last night it is a bigger facade than I can easily maintain.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Pickle, thanks, I printed and posted them where I will see them, but W will not.
Journaling: visited mom last night. She told me I just missed W. Mom did not elaborate about Ws visit. I found out later from our D that mom lashed out verbally at W as W was leaving. The outcome from that remains to be seen.
W attempted to find an apartment and asked one of the SILs to move in with her. The SIL declined. I understand the SIL thinks W needs to move out of AuntIL house and get on her own. That his might cause her to crash and begin to understand the havoc she is creating in the family.
IDK, when I met W she had run away from home and been on her own for several years. The struggles she went through then had only firmed her resolve to stay out of her parent’s home. I have no control about any of this so it is pointless to worry about it.
There was another report of drama from la la land that indicates all is not rosy. Just minor cracks in Ws plan. I think the debt 2X4 is swinging. I take no joy or solace from this. I pray for Ws well being and peace of mind.
One of the nieces will be home from college this weekend. She wants to spend sometime with me. We almost adopted her when her mother was hospitalized, and we have always been close. I understand she is taking this drama pretty hard also.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
