Re-Bolt

[Bolt]

heck yeah, Harrier!

It's funny how I can see me saying those exact same things and my W returning the same way.

It seems like all three of us need to do one thing - take some of the focus off the relationship. Just let it happen.

Imagine if you were taking your time, trying to finish a project. All you needed was some time so you could focus but every 5 minutes, someone interrupts and says, "You done yet?" "You done yet??" "How about now?"

That would drive you nuts. ESPECIALLY if you were doing that thing for that person. I would want to either give up or give in.

That could be where our wives are.

I take things like what your W said, Harrier and the way XYZ's W acts - the way my W talks about OUR future plans and take those as answers to our questions about the relationship.

Maybe if we back off even more - they'll come more forward.

That's my goal for this week. No more R talk all week.

[XYZ]

That's for sure my plan. I've backed way off since "The Great V-Day Card Fiasco of 2011"....and it's worked. Still interacting great with W, but I'm not chasing. W is coming towards me. Albeit slow as cr@p, but she's coming.

[Bolt]

xyz, don't know how you feel about doing this but here's what I did yesterday that paid immediate dividends.

I texted the W just because once during the day yesterday. I said, "Hey gorgeous. Just thinking about you. That's it"

She called about 5 minutes later to just chat. She was at the hospital and is usually super busy and can never call.

I didn't even mention the text until later at night. I said, did you like that text. She gave me the cutest damn smile and said I did - she even said it in that little cute voice that she did when we were really in the love mode.

It's slowly coming back

If you don't feel comfortable saying that you are thinking about her, why not say, "Hey beautiful. How's your day going?"

That TELLS her that you are thinking about her without any mention/pressure of the relationship. It's a convo starter EVEN if the convo is her returning, "UGG..Busy..." and that's it.

She hears - beautiful - what girl doesn't like that - and caring words - he's interested in how I'm doing.

Those two little things are huge...

[Bolt]

Still some ups and downs, just not as extreme.

I went out on a limb yesterday and wrote a poem to the W. It was relatively short but from the heart.

It was sent early in the morning when she was at the hospital for her shift.

There was little expectations for any response but a "Thank you" would have done the trick.

Nothing all day...

Those little stupid voices jump in and drive me crazy. My only thought was that I spooked her a little. Too fast? It sure didn't seem that way. I know she gets busy at work most times but she normally texts or something.

So of course, later on in the evening, I'm out with the kids. I get a text, "Where are you?" She must have come home and saw we weren't home. I told her where we were and she just said that she had a rough day, had a migraine and was going to bed.

...not even a peep about the poem...

NOW - my selfish brain goes nuts. Why do I even bother pouring out my heart to someone who doesn't even appreciate it? I can't keep doing this without SOME sort of response. Is all of this worth it?

So...I had to calm that crazy part of the brain down and read the entire text. She had an awful day. Sometimes, she gets so busy at work, she loses track of EVERYTHING - hello? I'm not the most important person at that moment.

Also, she had a migraine. Her's are legendary some times. They just flat out suck.

So, I calmed quite a bit. Still wasn't over it, but was much better.

As soon as I saw her, the first thing she says is, "Thanks for the poem."

what a jerk I am for even THINKING of anything else.

But, because we're being open with our feelings I did tell her that it made me sad that I didn't get a response back, "not even a thank you."

Now here's the killer. She says that her day was a beast and she didn't want to just text, "Thanks" back because she wanted to say more than that.

Did I call myself a jerk earlier? I meant JERK with all caps.

Do I have a point to all of this? I'm not sure but I'm thinking that we all have to really take a step back before judging anyone's response or non-response before we go on the attack. I'm glad I didn't just burst in and say, "Why the F didn't you say thank you for the poem?!!"

That would have been bad...

but instead, it turned out pretty good...

[Concerned_Listener]

.

Do I have a point to all of this? I'm not sure but I'm thinking that we all have to really take a step back before judging anyone's response or non-response before we go on the attack. I'm glad I didn't just burst in and say, "Why the F didn't you say thank you for the poem?!!"

That would have been bad...

but instead, it turned out pretty good...

What a great story. We fall into the trap over and over of making assumptions with limited information. Slowing down and not making ourselves the center of the universe is something we have to practice over and over.

CL

[Bolt]

I would like to know how others have dealt with the aspect of piecing when you feel that you are the only one doing the work?

I mean, I know that she thinks she is and she is doing some work but is it normal to be expecting more?

For my sitch, I desperately miss the emotional connection through physical touch like we have all been talking about. I do get the hugs and the kisses when I initiate them. It's just growing harder on me because I feel like they are being done out of being asked to do it, not because she wants to.

Is this normal to feel this way?

And if it is, how do we deal with it?

[XYZ]

I know what you mean, man. I feel that way all the time and then W says things like "I have to get over all of this and all you have to do it sit and wait for me to do the work". WTF. I'm thinking "I get to bust my a$$ and you get to decide when and if we stay together".

I think both are right. We both feel like we're the only one doing the work. Guess that means we're both working hard. Right?

I desperately miss that emotional and physical connection too. Don't know how to deal with it as I'm still figuring that out myself.

[Harrier]

Interesting thought Bolt.

Try this. Send her a text or email with this message.

"Thanks for everything you've been doing lately. I know you've been working hard on things too. I don't think I say that enough."

I texted this to my wife last night. I think sometimes we get so caught up in what we are doing that we forget what they are doing. It is important to recognize that that there is effort on both parts.

Personally, I haven't felt like that in a while. I am just trying to focus on what I'm doing. Of course, for me I have tangible evidence of my wife working. She tries to spend time with me, she plans things, she goes to MC. Maybe she's not doing everything I want, but I bet I'm not doing everything she wants.
Think about it this way. What is the easy way here - to stay or to leave? What is your W doing?


I think this is where the DB principles are helpful.

XYZ, I would be tempted to set my W straight, but saying that we are BOTH working on this M. Honestly, her perspective isn't really fair to you.

[Bolt]

xyz, well, my W and I decided that we won't let our emotions overtake our situation and that if something wasn't working, we would bring it up. So last night, I did. We talked about our R and got into some serious yelling (that is pretty good, I think since we haven't in a long time).

AND we got to a point where we both decided to stop really "worrying" about the relationship and just let it happen. I think what is happening with the WAS and mine in particular is that she is confused not too much about the R but definitely about herself. NOW compound that with me wondering, what the heck is going on in the relationship - being little impatient and having expectations.

It's almost a little too much for her.

I guess I thought of it that way. Not only is she wondering if this R will work - BECAUSE, what if she takes "too long" figuring things out and I leave?? That's something that's on her mind. What if I DON'T change?

Both valid questions...

and to top it off, she's trying to figure out herself.

The only thing I'm doing is trying to save the M. She does have a lot more on her plate.

SO...I can help things along by just being there. Continue to be the new guy that I have been but just let things happen.

Don't analyze everything. Realize she wants this to work. She just doesn't know how.

AND I've actually been sabotaging myself, if you think about it. She needs to find this on her terms. Every time, I grow impatient and push her, she gets more confused and almost takes a step back. That just ends up hurting me more.

Yeah, the contact and sexual tension is great but I have to remember the times when the R is not in the forefront. We get along great and she even starts some contact.

XYZ -you are right too in realizing that she's working too. I HIGHLY doubt she's just sitting back and waiting. She's processing this stuff. Processing at a speed that we men do not understand. It's as easy and as complicated as that.

I usually say stay strong but I think I'm going to change my line to stay patient.

so. Stay patient!

[Harrier]

Bolt

next time you get the urge to write a poem for your W. just write it and stick it in a drawer somewhere (or on your computer) and be done with it.