Divorce or Hope?

[♪CS♪]

I wish I could help more, all I can is I understand EXACTLY what you are going through.

I know you have read my sitch, and we have talked about how I am dealing with it. IMO, being friendly when you do interact, is not validating her actions, it is simply showing her you are a good person, and a strong person.

I think the tough question here, is how much are you willing to put up with, and for how long. That is what I battle with. No easy answer for me.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I know you're anxious, wondering what to do.
You're doing great " ignoring" her.
Detach, remember. Don't get sucked into her drama. Go dim, not totally dark. Be friendly, considerate and kind, but don't go out of your way to do it. You want her to come to you.

I so empathise where you are today. I started to get into that negative thought pattern of devaluing myself because of the actions and apparent attitudes of my H.

I stopped. You are a person of worth and value.

Your wife can't see it because she doesn't value herself right now.

You see who she really is, you love who she really is. You're willing to do the work and time.

Breathe, focus, you're doing ok.

[Redo]

Ninelives, take it easy. Take some deep breaths.

You i try this technique when crazy thoughts enter my head. It works sometimes. I imagine a red stoplight blinking and a loud buzzer. It is a sign for me to voluntarily shift my thinking to something else. walk out. stare at something. get coffee. anything to shift your focus. Try it.

There will be days when some of these feelings really hit you hard. Nothing will make sense. When that happens, just try to shift your focus. When you are feeling a little better, then try to think on your decision to ignore her or engage.

I would say both. When my wife calls and if i have a feeling she's calling to discuss 'her legal issues', i dont answer. I call her back in an hour or two. I feel if she wants all this then let her wait. But if i have feeling it might be related to my daughter, i try to pick it up. How do i differentiate, i just guess. I never make it a point to always pick up whenever she calls. That shows you are just waiting on her. Just my 2c

[ninelives]

Ahhhh the BITS come through:

Thank You , all of you. I cant explain this down time today and why I am feeling it so hard. I do miss her dearly and just want to talk to her but I KNOW its not the right thing.

Its difficult to know that when she is feeling this way, she can talk to her boyfriend and he is the one that is making her feel better about the situation.

It JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSE. For almost twenty years we were there for each other. She was the one I went to and I for her.

Do they just forget that? Like i mentioneded earlier, she told a mutual friend of ours that she is not sure if she is doing the right thing but then Im sure buddy boy makes her see that he left is wife and that they are in love and nothing else matters.

Thanks Again BITS, I am blessed to be part of this club that was a god send. I still think that my marriage is ultimately doomed and I do believe that one day she will wake up from the fog but that will be too late.

I wonder how many of WAW;s do eventaully wake up to the destruction they have caused and trully regret their decisions.

I guess we will never Know and that is what makes it even more frustrating.

Peace to every one.

9
BITS

[ninelives]

BTW, Had a real tough time teaching my classes today. Even apologized to one of them. I am a poplular teacher at my school and the kids are really cool with me and have been real supportive when they see me in a down mode.

I was on stress leave for almost 3 months and still have trouble facing the students at times but I do appreciate the fact that they dont go for the juggler when they smell weakness.

9
BITS

[Queen_of_Swords]

Ahhhh the BITS come through:

Thank You , all of you. I cant explain this down time today and why I am feeling it so hard. I do miss her dearly and just want to talk to her but I KNOW its not the right thing.

Thesse feelings hit in waves. I can't tell you how often in the last week I've cried or felt worthless because of the whole situation.

Its difficult to know that when she is feeling this way, she can talk to her boyfriend and he is the one that is making her feel better about the situation.

You are making a HUGE assumption here.

It JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSE. For almost twenty years we were there for each other. She was the one I went to and I for her.

Do they just forget that? Like i mentioneded earlier, she told a mutual friend of ours that she is not sure if she is doing the right thing but then Im sure buddy boy makes her see that he left is wife and that they are in love and nothing else matters.

They remember all the negative, not the positive. Not the happy times, not he birth of your children, not the hours you spent on the phone when you were dating. So yes they do forget. They associate you with pain and discomfort, never mind YOU aren't the source of it. You contributed to their own feelings of lack of self esteem and value in your behaviour and words, certaintly, but YOU ARE NOT THE SOURCE.

Thanks Again BITS, I am blessed to be part of this club that was a god send. I still think that my marriage is ultimately doomed and I do believe that one day she will wake up from the fog but that will be too late.

Henry Ford said this: "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right."

If you believe your marriage is doomed...it is. Time to reevaluate that thought I think.

You don't know what is possible and what isn't. Why limit yourself that way?

I wonder how many of WAW;s do eventaully wake up to the destruction they have caused and trully regret their decisions.

I guess we will never Know and that is what makes it even more frustrating.

Peace to every one.

Namaste

9
BITS

[Redo]

ninelives, Id say look at every positive step no matter how small, as big step for you. You need to be proud and feel strong that you are moving even with all this hell placed on you. You know standing in a classroom full of kids and teaching them is no easy task. You have to give yourself some credit.

The more you move ahead, the better you'll feel. It's easy for me to say. I understand. I am in a similar boat and there are times i just wanna give and crawl into a hole. But then i try to remind myself that i need to do this for my daughter so that she can look up to me one day and be proud. I need to do this for people who still love me(my parents) and importantly i need to do this if i need to show my W what she's missing out.

[♪CS♪]

Great post Scylla, I can especially relate to thinking about what they are doing or saying, and realize how crazy that is. All we are doing is making silly assumptions that could be the furthest thing from the truth. We don't know. I can sometimes try to completely reverse those assumptions. Imagine them having a terrible time together, fighting, crying, just even bored.

It can put a smile on my face.

[angel61]

Breathe and pray, nine. There are really times like this in your sitch. Distract yourself, go for a drive, have a good cry.

Remember that DB is not over after the divorce. Sometimes the WAS needs to see what is on the other side, needs to miss the LBS, in order to see the light and come back.

[ninelives]

Thanks Angel:

Had a better distraction tonight than crying. Started playing drums about 3 years ago but stagnated in my ability.

Went to another drum lesson tonight and it was awesome. It is almost impossible to concentrate on WAS BS when you are trying to count beats and other things. I know that the musicians on this forum will have a chuckle as the drummer is the lowest species in the pecking order but I think I need this for now.

Hardly thought about her at all for the hour I was in there.

I highly recommend to all YOu DBers out there to continue to get a life and try different things like this to get your mind off the soap opera once in awhile.

9
BITS