When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[Reincarnated]

I just got this in an email today (from Michele and DB). It made me think of you and what you are going through.
I was never able to be in the situation that you are in; I certainly was not equipped at the time to handle what he was going through without crazy abandonment issues. But you have made it so far....

Maybe some of this applies:

Part Two - 'What to Do About His Mid Life Crisis'

Last week's email talked about Identifying Your Husband's Mid Life Crisis. Now it's time to come up with a plan. You want to make your marriage work, but it's hard to imagine how even the best divorce-busting techniques could be effective in dealing with a person who is in La-La Land. Despite your frustrations, the bottom line is you want your marriage. So what's a woman to do?

Before you decide to take on the project of saving your marriage, you need to realize a few things:
There Are No Guarantees

Although most men do come to their sense eventually, not all do. You could do all the hard work, and in the end, still get divorced. At the very least, you'll be able to honestly say to yourself that you tried everything. And if you have children, you are teaching them a very, very important lesson: that you must do whatever you can to make your marriage work. Your children will benefit from watching you, no matter what happens in the end.
This Is Going To Be A Long Haul

Midlife crisis don't end quickly; they may last months or years, and you need to brace yourself for the journey. Many of the problems addressed in this marriage-saving guide are somewhat less intractable and easier to resolve. Wading through a midlife crisis is a process that simply takes time. You can't rush it. You can't rush it. You can't bull your way through it. You just have to remind yourself constantly that there are no quick fixes. And, however long it really takes, it seems a whole lot longer.
Expect a Roller-Coaster Ride

The midlife crisis is going to be a full-fledged roller-coasted ride. You will go up and you will go down. Just when you think your husband is showing signs of improvement, he lets you know that, as far as he's concerned, nothing has changed. It's all par for the course. The unpredictability of his moods and his reactions will drive you nuts. But then there will be those times that keep you going, times when, for just a brief moment, things seem normal again. If you ask people who have successfully survived a midlife crisis, they will tell you that the roller-coaster ride was the only route to getting there. So like it or not, fasten your seat belt and invest in a large supply of Dramamine.
Welcome to Limbo Land

One of the worst parts about how long it takes for your spouse to work his way through his existential dilemma - and how rocky the road will be - is that you will feel that your life has been put on hold. You will feel angry and hurt that you have to wait for him to realize something that he should just have known at the start - that your marriage is worth saving. You will resent the fact that it will feel as if he is calling all the shots. You have to wait for him to change his mind about you and your relationship. You have to wait for him to want to be with you. You have to wait for him to feel better about himself and his choices. You just have to wait. He's setting the pace right now. Not knowing about the of all this will be maddening at times, but for now, you will just have to accept this state of uncertainty.
To Say You Will Need Patience is a Big, BIG Understatement

If you are a take-charge person, you are about to learn one of the hardest lessons in your life. You are not going to be able to control or exert influence on your partner to speed up this process. You are going to hear and see things that you think are unfair and unjust and you are going to learn very quickly that you are not going to be able to educate your spouse about his wrongdoings. You are just going to have to let things happen, go with the flow. The answers to this puzzling midlife crisis must come from him. You won't be able to guide him or facilitate the process. This will require an enormous amount of patience and self-control. Think about the most challenging thing you've ever done in your life in regard to being patient. now multiply that by a million. You're beginning to see what I mean.
Don't Defend Yourself

The best thing you can do when your spouse shares negative feelings about your marriage, his life, or even you is to be a good listener. Acknowledge what he is saying. Tell him that you feel bad that he is so upset about things. Tell him that you wish things had been different. Apologize for things that warrant it. Let him know that you are hearing and taking to heart the things he is unhappy about. This will be challenging because you will be listening with one ear and thinking about what you'd love to say in response at the same time. Resist the temptation to say it. Even if you are "right," pushing the issue will push him away. Don't do it.
Don't Ask Questions or Make Demands

It's very important that you give your husband space. He needs time to think, feel, and experiment, even if part of his experimentation involves another woman. If you start making demands right away, you will probably lose him. There may not be much that you can do right now to make things better, but there are a ton of things you can do to make things worse, like interrogation and issuing demands. You will have to develop many strategies to stop yourself from blowing your stack or nailing him to the wall; this will be unbelievably challenging. But that's precisely what you need to do. Discover what helps to keep you on track, whether it's taking a walk, going for a run, calling a friend, logging on to your computer, reading a book, or standing on your head.
Focus on Yourself

Although you have read this advice many times, it is here that it is most applicable. It is absolutely essential that you find ways to make yourself happy during this most difficult time. "Easy for you to say, Michele," is what you're thinking. I know, I know. It's hard to imagine how you could be happy while your life is falling apart, but if you are going to come out the other side of this midlife crisis, you are going to have to do it. Whether you were an incredibly independent person to begin with, or someone who preferred doing everything with your man, you are going to have to develop and discover ways to find inner peace without him right now. You need to do this for you, for your husband and for your children, if you have them.
Although your husband can choose to put his decision about your marriage on hold, you cannot and should not put your own life on hold. Once you get over the shock of what's happening and grieve, you need to get out a piece of paper and a pen and write down the concrete steps you are going to take to make your life as fulfilling as possible. You need to restore you sense of self. You are a wonderful person and you should remind yourself of this whenever possible, because you won't be getting lots of compliments from your spouse. You will have to find your goodies somewhere else. Here are somethings women have done to help them feel good about themselves and their lives during their transitional periods. This list is by no means comprehensive. I include it simply to jump-start your imagination.
Spend more time with their children
Keep a journal
Reinvest themselves in spiritual activities
Further their education
Join a support group
Devote themselves to their careers
Spend more time with friends
Begin a new hobby
Join a health club
Read self-help books
One more thing to consider. Even if your husband won't go - and whatever you do, you shouldn't press the issue - you might consider going for therapy. If you find someone you like, s/he can help you sort things out and feel better about yourself. Find a professional who is trained in solution-oriented methods and who is pro-marriage. If you go to a therapist who doesn't understand what you are working toward and the methods you are using to get there, s/he will probably try to discourage you from continuing on your marriage-saving path. Be very clear from the start that you are determined to save your marriage. Also, make sure your therapist doesn't subscribe to the "You should tell him how you feel" methodology. It won't work, I promise you. If the therapist suggests that you need to disclose your feelings or that therapy won't work unless your husband joins you in treatment, it should be an immediate red flag for you to find someone else.
I Did it My Way

The one thing you will have to keep in mind throughout this journey is that your husband will have to find his own answers. No matter how much you want to help him, he will not find comfort in the articles you send him, the therapy appointments you want to make for him, the heart-to-hearts you want to have with him, or anything else you wish to do. In the same way that you can't force a baby to walk before he crawls, talk before he babbles, getting through a midlife crisis is a process.

If you have children, you know that there have been times when you've needed to stand back and let them fall so they improve their balance and learn how to get up again. Similarly, you will need to stand back and allow your spouse to find his way. I realize that I have told you this before, but I'm saying it again because I know you will need to take this to heart. You might find yourself reading and rereading this. Letting go is amazingly difficult, but unless you do, your marriage probably won't work out. You have to learn how to detach from your husband's confusion and let him struggle through it until he sees a clearing.
Coming Home

I know you are going to have a hard time believing what I'm about to tell you now, but if your husband does eventually decide to recommit to your marriage, life will not be a bed of roses right away. For starters, you have just spent a very long time putting aside your emotions and needs. You've had to be incredibly strong. Perhaps your spouse has had an affair and while you've been fighting for your marriage, you've had to put your feelings of rage and despair on the back burner. So, if your husband decides to work on your marriage, although you'll be very relieved, you should expect to be flooded with many other intense emotions. This is normal. It doesn't mean you've made a mistake. It just means you're human.

The way to move beyond these intense feelings is to make your marriage better than it ever was to begin with. This means that you and your husband have lots of issues to work out. You need to identify which parts of your marriage need to be improved. You will need to change, but your husband will need to change too. He will need to show you that he wants to invest his heart into your relationship. He needs to show empathy for what you've been through all these months. But don't expect these changes to happen immediately; it will take time. You will need to continue to remain patient.

Furthermore, if your spouse had an affair that he's decided to end, as much as you'd like him to be thrilled about the fact that the other woman is no longer in his life, it's unlikely that this will happen. Even if his intentions to work on your marriage are good, he will probably be feeling a sense of withdrawal just as someone would if they were giving up a drug. He might feel sad. He might be depressed or irritable. Don't assume he's second-guessing himself. Don't assume he thinks he wants to go back to her. Let him be. He will come out of his funk much more quickly if you, in a sense give him "permission" to feel that way for a while. This shows him that you know that feeling sad when you end something is normal. It is. don't make anything more out of it than it is.

But don't lose sight of the fact that you have come such a very, very long way. Think about how things were when he first hit his midlife crisis. Remember how devastated you were and how impossible he was. Things really have changed, haven't they? You should be very proud of yourself. And you should give yourself permission to feel the whole range of feelings you are experiencing right now. Just don't blow all the hard work by slipping back into old ways. You will feel better soon. You and your spouse need to work as a team to get your marriage back on track. You've gotten this far, you can reach your end goal...a loving marriage. Just hang in there.

I still have one more phone-session with a DB coach left that I paid for long ago - if we can figure out a way to transfer it, it's yours.

[Reincarnated]

This means that you and your husband have lots of issues to work out. You need to identify which parts of your marriage need to be improved. You will need to change, but your husband will need to change too. He will need to show you that he wants to invest his heart into your relationship. He needs to show empathy for what you've been through all these months. But don't expect these changes to happen immediately; it will take time. You will need to continue to remain patient.

This part - I have no idea what kind of time line fits. I know that you have needs, rational requests to know what is going on...
At what point do we go from being understanding and not rocking the boat, to being a doormat / enabler? I have no idea....

But I still truly hope for the best for you, Mish, whatever that may end up being. That you come to realize and value the wonderful person you are, and have a happy life.

[MichelleLT]

Actually doing it is so difficult.

Of course. We all understand why you feel that way. We've all fought with this in our own situations. So think about your method. Would a letter or e-mail be better (it would obviously be easier for you to get the words all ironed out and not have to say them)? Would he be more receptive or less?

Not a subject I think I should bring up at dinner. Maybe drinks afterward? I'm going to need liquid courage.

Definitely not before. You don't want to ruin the evening. You want to do it at a time you are both relaxed with some good times under your belt. After is definitely a possibility, especially since he usually works later and so shouldn't be too exhausted to talk. But definitely don't do this with too much liquid courage or you'll end up getting even more emotional about it. I find I get more verbose when drinking, and that goes against how to communicate with guys.

You know all this, but I'll remind us all anyways. Short and to the point. "I feel" "I think" statements, no blaming statements. Ask for what you want, don't assume he won't give it (and definitely don't assume he can't, because he most certainly can), and don't try and address everything all at once.

((((((Mishka))))))

Put some notes on your mirror this week like we've been talking about. Get all this stuff written down and out of your head. Don't let yourself think negatively about this.

Coming Home

I know you are going to have a hard time believing what I'm about to tell you now, but if your husband does eventually decide to recommit to your marriage, life will not be a bed of roses right away. For starters, you have just spent a very long time putting aside your emotions and needs. You've had to be incredibly strong. Perhaps your spouse has had an affair and while you've been fighting for your marriage, you've had to put your feelings of rage and despair on the back burner. So, if your husband decides to work on your marriage, although you'll be very relieved, you should expect to be flooded with many other intense emotions. This is normal. It doesn't mean you've made a mistake. It just means you're human.

The way to move beyond these intense feelings is to make your marriage better than it ever was to begin with. This means that you and your husband have lots of issues to work out. You need to identify which parts of your marriage need to be improved. You will need to change, but your husband will need to change too. He will need to show you that he wants to invest his heart into your relationship. He needs to show empathy for what you've been through all these months. But don't expect these changes to happen immediately; it will take time. You will need to continue to remain patient.

Furthermore, if your spouse had an affair that he's decided to end, as much as you'd like him to be thrilled about the fact that the other woman is no longer in his life, it's unlikely that this will happen. Even if his intentions to work on your marriage are good, he will probably be feeling a sense of withdrawal just as someone would if they were giving up a drug. He might feel sad. He might be depressed or irritable. Don't assume he's second-guessing himself. Don't assume he thinks he wants to go back to her. Let him be. He will come out of his funk much more quickly if you, in a sense give him "permission" to feel that way for a while. This shows him that you know that feeling sad when you end something is normal. It is. don't make anything more out of it than it is.

But don't lose sight of the fact that you have come such a very, very long way. Think about how things were when he first hit his midlife crisis. Remember how devastated you were and how impossible he was. Things really have changed, haven't they? You should be very proud of yourself. And you should give yourself permission to feel the whole range of feelings you are experiencing right now. Just don't blow all the hard work by slipping back into old ways. You will feel better soon. You and your spouse need to work as a team to get your marriage back on track. You've gotten this far, you can reach your end goal...a loving marriage. Just hang in there.

This part really seemed to hit the nail on the head. It's funny because I find it very applicable to me, even in a new relationship, because I am still working through all the baggage that the PA, S, and D left me with.

I still have one more phone-session with a DB coach left that I paid for long ago - if we can figure out a way to transfer it, it's yours.

Wow! I always knew there were great people on here, but this just reaffirms to me what a wonderful community this is!

[mishka422]

You are all amazing!!! Wow! That is a great article. There is one point that I am hung up on though.....HE DIDN'T CHOSE TO GIVE HER UP AND COME BACK TO ME AND OUR M. He came to me out of necessity. It's that one point that stos me in my tracks.

How do I get around that? He didn't chose a R with me, he chose a roof over his head and this twisted R came out of that. Mutual comfort, KWIM?

[kat727]

But look at it this way, he could have gone elsewhere or lived out of his car. I know not attractive options. So he came to you and he started out on the couch. Somewhere in there, there had to be the feeling that you could forgive or he wouldn't have moved things forward.

And yes, he did choose to start something up with you...it just isn't clearly defined enough for you yet. New exercise: Instead of looking at the negative, let's see if you can find the positive and then focus on that.

hugs, kat

[oldtimer]

You are all amazing!!! Wow! That is a great article. There is one point that I am hung up on though.....HE DIDN'T CHOSE TO GIVE HER UP AND COME BACK TO ME AND OUR M. He came to me out of necessity. It's that one point that stos me in my tracks.

How do I get around that? He didn't chose a R with me, he chose a roof over his head and this twisted R came out of that. Mutual comfort, KWIM?

This post is precisely why you should NOT confront Gabe. BOTH of you need him to have the space to figure out what he wants without pressure or expectations. Otherwise NEITHER of you will no whether or not his choices are sincere or out of being cornered. Continue double secret probation.

Imagine you had confronted him about the Christmas presents. How would you have felt about the Valentine's gift? Not so good I bet.

LEAVE HIM BE. Unless you are ready to walk, LEAVE HIM ALONE. If the costs/risks of giving him space aren't worth the potential payoff, then that is a choice you'll have to make. But if they are, then don't sabotage things by chasing/cornering.

[oldtimer]

And, when you decide the costs aren't worth it, then YOU report where you are, you still don't grill/corner him. "Gabe, I love you and this time has been great, but this isn't working for me."

But, I don't think you are there yet. Own your choice to tolerate the uncertainty (you aren't certain of stuff, why should he have to be????). Drop the poor me/victim stuff, double secret probation x 3 months, reevaluate. Now -- chill.

[kml]

Yeah - what she said.

[MichelleLT]

HE DIDN'T CHOSE TO GIVE HER UP AND COME BACK TO ME AND OUR M. He came to me out of necessity.

I'm going to beat my head on my desk now. YES HE DID! Just because he wasn't ready to put a name on it, just because he's not talking about getting remarried or some such, just because he was in a bad place without you, does NOT change the fact that HE DIDN'T HAVE TO COME BACK TO YOU!!!!! HE CHOSE TO!!!!! And he not only chose to come back, but he is now doing the silly nice romantic things he did when you were dating, and he is doing things for you when you are sick. He is THERE. And he chooses every day to be there.

And you also didn't have to be a safe place for him to come back to. You didn't have to let him back into your life. You chose to.

And the new R you are building stems from both your choices. Either of you could break it off at any time. That's always the risk that both of you take. But so far, you have both CHOSEN to stick it out.

It's all about choices.

[mishka422]

Well crap. I'm even more confused than before.

I think I'm back to shutting up and marking time. If I open my trap then I risk what I do have. If I stay silent I risk losing my mind and soul.

Neither is a good option so I'm trapped. I stuck myself here. No more whining, playing the victim (except of my own stupidity), or talking about it here.

No amount of talking it out is getting my head in order so it's futile.

Moving on from this subject.