Update: I'm thinking about moving my thread to MLC. Havn't decided.
W went to OH again for 4 day weekend. Got back late last nite. Says nothing to me this AM. Looks real "happy" to see me, NOT.
Then around 10:30 AM she calls to complain about my not giving D17 eough money this weekend . Apparently she needed special underthings for a miss HS pagent costing $100 and I only gave her $60. Of course I don't know how much that stuff costs; my briefs are $5 at K-Mart. She also has gripe with my counter petition about child healthcare expenses. She wants the out of pocket costs split based on income, while my atty said they should be split 50/50. Mind you I pay for the kid's health insurance premiums. So after that pleasant convo, we say bye and hang up. Put me in a really fine mood. I should have made her move out.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I was interrupted at "work" during my last post so I didn't finish venting.
After giving her what she wanted from the beginning, the roommates thing, and the master bed, W also dropped the idea that I only want her to stick around because I want to save money. I said to her, "You know that's not true." When I offered to let her stay two weeks ago I explicitly said it's for my son, because I had apparently changed my mind about making her move out while she maintained R with OM.
Well the money thing is partly true to the extent that there'll be more for the kids and their damned underthings. But talk about pushing my buttons. Anyway she continued her rant, I don't want you doing my laundry; D17 doesn't want you to put away hers. She says D17 can do her own to earn an allowence. I just kept quiet or agreed we need to discuss allowences for the kids. I've pretty much learned to just STFU when the venom and vitriol start to fly.
If I move to the MLC forum, I think I'll change the thread to "Need Encouragement."
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Had to make a visit to the Blessed Sacrament after work. Yesterday was a screwed up seratonin day.
I remember a few weeks ago I got a sense that God was telling me that "only out of the smoke of destruction will W come out of the fog." (I had no idea what that meant)
Then yesterday I sensed God telling me that "the seeds of destruction have been planted." (again, no idea)
I'm kinda hoping destruction refers to WAW's R with OM and not my R with W, but the evidence is right in my lawyer's office. It is the M which is being destroyed.
Funny thing though - processing through the D is helping me with acceptance and detachment. I expect that when the finalizing day arrives my seratonin will get totally out of balance, but I'll deal with it.
Either way, the messages I am sensing from God, whether it's just my imagination or not, I think it will be better for me to get this over and done with.
She can't learn that D will not solve her problems without the experience, right? She can't come out of her fog the way she went in, she can only go trough it and come out the other side, right?
Someone once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going." So that's what I'm doing.
One more thing, and this might help some of you. I also sensed God telling me: "Do not fear the unknown." Makes sense - why fear what you do not know? He says: "The future is unknown; do not fear the future."
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Had a convo with my dad yesterday to update parents on the sitch. Up until now I have kept the EA and W's fantasy away from them. But had to finally update and"explain". Dad went ballestic in the phone: "Who gets divorced and then lives in the same house etc etc!" "She's f@cking some other guy and you're going to put up with that??!"
Had to calm him down - the future is not set in granite - W could still move out. And I mean that. There's no interaction with her. Either she's so buried in guilt or can't stand being in the same room for some other reason that the strangeness of this "living arrangement" will finally get to her one way or the other.
The question is, how will her desire to stick around for the kids cope against her desire to flee? Thank God I am GAL'ing and not drawn into her drama. One day in the future she'll realize I am not the cause of her problems and the D is not the answer. But I'm not holding my breath.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
She can't learn that D will not solve her problems without the experience, right? She can't come out of her fog the way she went in, she can only go trough it and come out the other side, right?
Pickle. Absolutely.
She has to learn her own lessons.
Maybe or maybe not make her way back to you.
What you do. You do for you.
You do for your M
your family
and for her.
Remember that.
Do you have the courage to let her find her way?
What your Dad said.
Most people don't have to face what you are facing
And
Most people don't choose what you are choosing.
To undertstand
To find compassion
To set yourself on a path of healing
and to being the man you want to be.
Only through this hell will you find yourself
On the other side.
Your Dad is not married to your W.
Nor is anyone else at this point.
This situation is not unique
what IS you unique is YOU
And your choice of how to handle your commitment and youself.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I think after three months of hell, my seratonin levels are finally coming into balance. Haven't "felt" depressed or angry for a few days now. Oh, don't get me wrong, certain thoughts still creep into my mind from time to time, especially on rainy days, but I get them under control more easily now. Trusty guitar and march madness helps. And I went to daily mass Friday.
Interesting thing happened this weekend. There was a dinner theatre/talent show at our church Fri & Sat nite which I participated in. W and kids didn't want to have anything to do with it, cause they're alredy heavily involved with drama stuff at school.
Anyway, I was having a blast at dinner w/friends and fellow players (but my skit wasn't until almost two hours into the show) when guess who comes in for dinner? W's "confidant" from work and her family. I greeted her H and eldest D on the way to the bar, but couldn't bring myself to travel across the room to say "hi" to confidant. Still, I am glad she caught my skit and saw me having such a fun time. By the time we took the stage our whole troupe was a 12 pack in and totally hammered.
I didn't feel like mentioning any of this to W. Yesterday afternoon W seemed softer; we discussed running down our lists of household bills and just divying things up to cut down on the atty involvement/fees. We talked about my refinancing the house I explained that I couldn't do it without 80/20 loan to value. It was all civil.
She really does look a mess though when I get a good look at her face. I think this whole thing's just tearing her apart. But I simply can't imagine. Soon she's going to realze that once the property is in my name, and she has her half of the equity in her pocket, there's nothing to stop her from leaving. Will she stay for S12? I don't know and I don't really care.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
IAP, You responded on another thread that the OM in your sitch was your W's first H. Let me guess he dumped her?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Had a little scare with D17 yesterday. She left school around noon throwing up badly. We all ate the same dinner and breakfast and no one else at lunch got sick, so I suspected appendicitis.
Took her to the ER as soon as she called from home around 3:00 PM, W came by to relieve me around 7:30 PM after giving S12 dinner. They didn't get home till 10:30 PM. Tests and CAT scan turned up negative. We still don't know what was wrong.
It just makes me think though that tag teaming with W over crises involving the kids is something parents take on forever. Kids bind parents' lives like nothing else even after they reach adulthood: illnesses, graduations, weddings, grandchildren, even funerals. So no matter how badly a WAS desires to escape, it's never really all the way, and they never think twice about it.
All feelings aside, in the end love is a choice. She chose to no longer love me as a husband. I've chosen to love my kids by not resenting their mother.
But I realize though, that even if she were to change her mind today, I've got to take a long, long journey myself before I could begin to accept her back.
Like the Bible story of the prodigal son I more resemble the righteous elder brother than the unconditionally forgiving father.
But at least I'm not poor the fatted calf!
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Kids bind parents' lives like nothing else even after they reach adulthood: illnesses, graduations, weddings, grandchildren, even funerals. So no matter how badly a WAS desires to escape, it's never really all the way, and they never think twice about it.
Absolutely the truth. Everytime you encounter your spouse at these events, it is always going to be hard time for us...and the kids too.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Thats exactly what I told H: that we will never really be out of each others life because we have a child together. And think about how he kids will feel ifduring special times in their life - weddings, grandchildren being born, etc. their parents cannot be there together without tension.
I told my H in one of our last R talks that at first, I felt that I did not want to be friends with him ever, or even see him again once we go our separate ways. But thinking forward, to when our D goes through all those special moments in her life, I still want to be able to see him, meet his eyes over our D's head and congratulate ourselves on having brought a wonderful person into the world. Play together with our grandchildren, even if not as H and W, but at least as friends, without the bitterness.
About your observation regarding how your wife looks:
I noted that lately with H as well. At first he was looking really good - slimmed down, looked 10 years younger, was grooming and preening. Suddenly, he aged and looks haggard and tired. But I think its the same with me. The problems and stress really takes their toll.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
