Newbie post What to do now

[BeingMe]

Hi there JustStunned! Just caught up with your sitch ... so surprised you haven't gotten more comments on your thread.

Just wondering if you ever changed the locks ... i thought it a good idea to broach that with your L.

I don't think you should approach your W to read DR or any other R book. That would seem like pursuing. Only enter into a R talk, if she starts it, and then only affirm her feelings (which is not agreeing that she is right with the actions she has taken).

Detach. Try avoiding her ... don't always be available for her. Cancel appts sometimes ... just find something else to do. I think you are starting to get the point, that GAL is for you. You can use this time to be instrospective.

Try and renew old friendships. Yes, you have been isolated within W's family, but you have your adult kids too ... they are there for you now, even if they shouldn't be taking sides. I so feel bad for your mom, but you are there for her. Try and spend time with her, just chatting about other things. If she likes to play games like cards, then do that or put puzzles together. This will allow her to concentrate on something else. You sound like such a good son. Do you have sibliings?

And, I think you should take down the photos of you and your W ... before she comes around again. Let her see you are moving on without her. If you ever reconcile, then you can have new pictures take because it would be a new M.

I think you are doing well considering the situation you find youself in. Keep up the good work.

[JustStunned]

Hello BeingMe, Thank you so much for posting. There are so many people on this board the threads seem to fly through the first pages, so I guess this one is just lost in the shuffle. I cannot figure out how to quote sections of a post.

I did not change the locks. W is respecting my boundary of not entering the house unless I am present. Possibly because there is little left there she can easily remove by herself. I hope not, but it is a real possibility. My L was not enthusiastic about a lock change at this time.

I canceled all of her cleaning plans last week, two of them legitimately and two of them just because I did not want to deal with the drama. I needed time to center myself, probably still do. I’ll know tomorrow night when we meet to discuss what to “clean on Saturday”. I suspect W is losing enthusiasm for this.

I am spending time with mom. She likes to visit and reminisce. We try and keep the conv away from my problems most of the time, but it is an effort for both of us. She likes to talk about her childhood experiences. I know it was a hard existence, but it is amazing how she can remember the good times. I have a sister living in CT, we speak about once a week. She will visit mom in April.

Our S is expecting to get leave before he deploys. I have offered to visit him, I have enough air miles. I speak with him about once a week. DIL listens on the speaker phone. Our D visits most nights after class or work.

The pictures and the MR license came down. They have been boxed and put away. I left a collage of a happy vacation up in a hallway. I just realized I left it up, and I don’t see a good reason to pull it down. There is only one couple shot in it.

I have called a few old friends, and my cousin and his wife will visit this Sunday. I am not as isolated as I was.

[BeingMe]

To put a phrase in italics --- highlight section you want italicized/quoted, then control/C, go to your posting form, control/V, hightlight and click on the " (quote some text) on the above bar. I will do it below:

I am not as isolated as I was.

I am so glad you are not isolated .... one needs a group of friends/family as a foundation to carry one through a crisis, and a separation or divorce is almost like a death in the family, and I can't think of a worse crisis than that.

You are doing very well for this stage, so I commend you for that. Perhaps that is why you don't get as many hits on your thread .. people are unsure how to help you.

Take care.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

That is the problem with seeming to be doing so well...

It's almost like triage, yeah your hand is cut off but this guy has a sucking chest wound...

Stunned, post to others, talk to them and they'll respond in kind as well. Build a support group, find the BITS and start talking with them, it s a good group of guys and gals and : )
BITS never walk alone.

[JustStunned]

Thanks BeingMe, I’ll give the quoting thing a try when I am not so exhausted. I think I am doing well right now. I know that will change. I have little reason to hope I will actually achieve my final goal, but if I dwell on it, put energy into it, it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. So for now smaller more achievable goals is where I need to put my energy. Perhaps I'll make it to success stories God and time will tell. Please check back

JTB thanks for the advice. The triage example makes sense. I circle at the edge of the BITS, and commented in a few of their threads. They are tight.

[JustStunned]

This was a bad morning but a better afternoon, not great, better since I have been able to log on to this board.

I had one of those 3AM dreams people write about. It is pretty vague now, but in it I was trying to text W about something, huge sense of urgency. I wasn’t able to though something more urgent kept interrupting me. I was up for about an hour after, just couldn’t shut my mind down.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Tight?

Too tight to get in?

Nothing in doing this is easy, so go for an easy win. I bet if you put BITS in your signature they'd even tell you their secret handshake. : )

I'm pretty sure you don't get asked to join, you just do.
You support them, they support you.

The dreams...
The brain...

Being up for 30 minutes doesn't sound all that bad.

Saying it's just a dream while true...doesn't help you in the middle of the night, have a book next to your bed...no not DR, nothing...like self help, that will just get your brain going...something light, something decent, not so decent you stay up until the morning reading though.

[Denver_2010]

Tight?

Too tight to get in?

Nothing in doing this is easy, so go for an easy win. I bet if you put BITS in your signature they'd even tell you their secret handshake. : )

I'm pretty sure you don't get asked to join, you just do.
You support them, they support you.

That's right Jack!!

BITS
Denver

[lostinscared]

JS,

The dreams are pretty difficult for a lot of people, I understand. I keep a Bible by my bed for those nights (and there a lot for me). Maybe you can find something that will bring you comfort.

I am so sorry for what you are going through and I'm praying for you!

LIS

[JustStunned]

Thanks, Jack, Thanks Denver, BITS is added. I feel better already.

Visited mom last night, we talked about the farm market she and my uncle had for a few years between the depression and WW2. She’s dealing like she always deals with crisis, ignore it, bury it, do not dwell on it, move out and get on with your life. Strong lady, she was in an abusive R with her 1st H. I and my sister are from her 2nd. M & D were part of the 20% or so that made their 2nd marriage work