When I let go of what I'm,I become what I might B

[zengypsy]

2 is rising up from the ashes!!!

[MichelleLT]

That's a better attitude!

The 80% thing was something someone told me when I was first posting in S years ago. It's not based on any solid study of the actual numbers on here, just on observation.

An observation that in definitely over 3/4 of the posters on here, the LBS is the one who decides whether to accept the WAS back or calls it quits. I posted a longer response on the last thread.

*sigh* I remember those days of closing down a thread in 2 or 3 days LOL. I think my current one has been open for months and months and months.

[zengypsy]

Yes, I was one with a question for Michelle. Is the 80% true? Where is that figure from?

I would like to know more on this theory myself. Does this fact still hold true when the WAS files for D?

[MichelleLT]

In most cases yes. It's often only after the WAS has filed for D that they slow down enough to see that the single life isn't all they've made it out to be. That they let themselves miss things. That they see that getting D is crappy financially and emotionally. Then they start to have second thoughts. Then you have been DBing long enough that they start to wonder.

[zengypsy]

Hmmm...this poses an interesting twist. I don't mean threadjack 2, but another question as a tangent from your response....

I have often said that my H will have regret someday because I won't be part of the equation any longer after the D is final so he can't blame me for everything and more. His problems are portable. To which someone replied but if he gets involved with another person, the problems you all had might pale in comparison to the way you and he handled them vs. how he and the new person handles them. The new person may handle them better. A wise friend said that that new person can bring in their own set of problems.

It's all very confusing to me.

[grr]

oh 2step - you need to be strong (that's what we like)
you are strong!
you can do this
hang in there

[MichelleLT]

zen - post got lost. Network at work crapped out on me for a while.

The problems are portable. He'll have his problems, plus her problems. It'll be a whole net set of problems. Different, but still problems.

Everyone talks about the D rates for first marriages right? The D rate for second marriages is HIGHER. About 70% depending on the study and the time period it covers. And the D rate for third marriages is HIGHER still! About 80%!!!

R require learned skills just like anything else in life. Most of us learn some things from watching our elders, but we rarely see what goes on behind closed doors. We often don't have a rold model couple who have been married for decades and are successful. Rs are sustained on communication, problem-solving skills, commitment, and unconditional love. If we never learn those skills, we won't be successful no matter who we are with.

The more I learn and study, the more convinced I am of this.

[MichelleLT]

*new set. Hate lack of editing lol.

[2stepboogie]

Michelle,

This drives at one of my biggest fears. This is my 2nd time around even though I really don't count the first. I was young very young and so was she. She got preg we got M 3yrs later it was done and done.

This will be my second M but in my heart my first. I M W because I loved her not because she got pregnant or it was the right thing to do. I wanted to. If this thing goes south then I will face a 75+% chance of getting a D next time around. I don't like the idea one bit.

I also don't like the idea that a piece of me will die with this M and I am scared I will not be able to fully trust someone again never really give myself to someone for fear of getting hurt.

Do allow myself to get hurt again? There is no doubt in my mind that whatever happens with time I will be ok but will I ever trust again? I loved being M, and I loved being M to my W but as I think about it going forward a R is the last thing on my mind. The idea of getting M again makes me crinch.

Even if I do reach that place where I can love someone the same it does not take away the fear of getting M because the odds at that point are stacked against me.

I am just jumping in on the conversation I can't stay on that long right now. I will be back in a few hours. Right now I am going to go and get my a$$ kicked in wii baseball by my D.

HW done, dinner done, dishes done, showers done, another happy night in the house of the 2step.

[zengypsy]

Michelle:

2 and I share that fear. This is the 2nd time for me as well. This M has been a part of me for almost 1/2 my life. I don't count my first M either. We were both young. I was immature and had no buisness being M. It was merely a dress rehersal.

I didn't want to get M again, but my H really made me believe in love and trust again. I was proud of the decision I had made to get M again. I had everything I always wanted and look where my stupidity and ignorance has gotten me 20 yrs. later. And like 2 loved being M to his W, I loved being M to my H.

The 80% statistic for 3rd marriages not lasting is very scary. I don't like that either but I know that is the reality of what the facts state. And I can't even think about that place. In truth, I'd rather be alone if I can't be with my H and with such a high probability to potentially go thru this kind of heartbreak again.

I agree with you Michelle. That if we never learned any relationship skills from our parents, how are we to know what to do in our own? Are we destined to fail because of those lack of skills?

You have engaged us in a very interesting discussion IMHO. Sorry 2, I thread jacked!