Need Advice!! Not sure on next move? Part 2

[dixiegal]

Okay guys..I'm thinking about this...I have an appt. w/C on Tuesday. I'm gonna run it by him...

But, I do see your point. I gotta pray on this one boys..

girls???

Dix

[FellOnBlackDays]

Dixie,
This is a tough one. Part of me would cancel too, but part of me also knows that this might be some unnecessary "game playing." I don't know what to tell you. You do need to get him on the defensive as he has been messing with you for too long.

I just don't feel very good this weekend and I am even less sure about the advice I am giving out tonight. I just wanted to let you know that I am here and thinking about you.

Hey, what model plane did you fly today? I used to fly on aircraft while I was in the Navy.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[dixiegal]

FOBD,

It was a Piper Sport 2 Seater. Its the new model! I loved it...

I ran it by a few folks...my friend the former WAS wife and my friends H. They think it is game playing...that in my quest to be a Godly woman/wife...that I need to go on to and meet him.

My friend said, she gets the the whole part of him wondering and getting control back ...but, the whole airplane and calling back etc...was enough. She thinks from now till Thursday that he will be thinking about how I'm out there doing stuff. How he thought I'd be home waiting on me...but, that he showed his hand when he called back last night all freaked about me not "telling" "sharing" with him.

I don't know I'm on the fence right now. Lets see what the DB Coach says. Plus, I feel like I just want to get it over with...I don't know if I can post pone it and such. I mean, if he tells me he's still done and wants a D. Then, I'll tell him that's not what I want but, I won't stop him. If he says, he wants to try again. (which I pray) Then, I'll tell him that we have to do this the right way...and set goals/time line.

But, really I just want to know one way or the other..ya know. Today, is Valentines Day...it's rough for all of us...:( So, many memories to wrestle with today.

So, I just want to tell my BITS...I'm thinking of yall and wishing you lots of love now and always in your lives!!!

BITS

"Life is short, Pray hard!"

Dixie

[Denver_2010]

Dixie... I only have a minute here to respond so I apologize if this seems blunt.

You are letting your fear drive you here. You fear what will happen if you cancel that dinner on Thursday night. You fear that you will again go days without hearing from you H if you cancel. You fear that it will drive him farther away rather than draw him closer.

Do NOT let your fear drive your actions Dixie.

Listen, you know from my threads that I'm a pro at doing much of what your H has done to you... control the R/M... I feel that I am speaking from experience here. Experience from your H's side of things.

Cancel the dinner.

Happy Vday Dixie! I'm thinking of you and everyone too!

BITS
Denver

[lostinscared]

Dixie,

I share your Godly values. I need to start with that because I really believe that you and I are coming from the same place.

You need to cancel the dinner. This isn't about game playing. This is about getting the upper hand and really getting an understanding of your situation before you walk into a mine field. If you go to that dinner then you really were sitting home waiting for him. That's the impression you give because you accepted the first invitation. And maybe cancel is the wrong word... reschedule is a better word. Make it for another day.

I know you want to get "it over with." But that's an illusion. You go to this dinner and he tells you he wants a divorce. Next week, he may not. He goes to this dinner and tells you that he wants you back, if that's true you'll find out at the rescheduled meeting. But sweetie, you need some control here. And you do not need to lie and I do not agree with lying. You simply tell him that Thursday does not work for you after all and that you need to reschedule. That's it.

I, too, am very interested in what the coach has to say.

I'm praying so hard for you.

LIS

[dixiegal]

UPDATE:

Small one....H texted last night at 7p.

H: "Happy Valentines Day!"

Me: You too

I know it's not much, but I have to say I really didnt expect to hear from him in anyway. So, I guess it's something?

I did pretty good yesterday. No breakdowns, teared up only twice and laughed! I am really blessed. I had some great friends who sent me "love yous" on FB, phone calls and my parents sent me VD cards! I felt loved and cared about.

I reminded myself of all I do have. To use VD Day as a day to show my love for those that mean the most to me while I still have them! I won't let my Marriage define me anymore. It was broken. I was broken. But, GOD is putting me back together everyday. Yeah, I got some cracks still...but, super glue works wonders! LOL

BITS Have a great day!!!

Dixie

"Life is short, Pray hard!"

[Firstlove]

Good post Valentine's day everyone, I hope it was a good day for all and yes Valentine's Day is very tough for all of us going thru either separation or divorce.

Could someone please tell me what BITS stands for ?

I am taking the DB coaching and my coach is wonderful. She has been away on vacation for a while so I could not pose this question to her - which was - should I make any effort or contact on Valentine's Day to my W who simply refuses to talk about anything related to our M or any type of reconciliation - it is a NON-TOPIC - and she has said so. Actually her words were "I am not talking about this do not bring it up"

So with that attitude, I am in a quandary for sure. I decided yesterday to send her a note along with a copy of a poem that she had framed many years ago and given to me as a present. The poem hangs on our bathroom wall and I read it every day and have for the past 5 months. So in that my W gave it to me, I thought I would give it to her for VD Day - its a message of hope for the future, and friendship.

I would appreciate everyone's thoughts on if I did the right thing in giving her this poem, that she gave to me. Here it is - the words in ( ) are in the poem also.

The Ten Secrets of a Successful Relationship

-Having a wonderful partner (Which I do)
- Communicating (We try. And we'll get better)
- Being intimately involved in one another's lives (Open honest, touching, together. The closer we are the more secure I feel.)
- Being happy as individuals. ( And bringing goo things to the relationship from both directions.)

-Reaching out for dreams together (One of mine already came true: you)
- Always being there for one another (Always)
-Overlooking the few flaws (But cherishing the thousands of things that are so wonderful.)

-Remembering that rainbows follow rain (Which I'll never forget as long as I have you)

-Always sharing (Friends, families, dreams, desires. Weaving together the fabric of our lives.)
- And always caring ("Always" is a long, long time. But "always" is how I want our relationship to be.... with us loving one another, and happy and giving and as thankful as any two people could be"

and she signed in Love Always W

My W gave that poem in framed picture about 15 years ago. It breaks my heart to even write out those words because that is what her hopes and dreams were for our marriage and I messed it up big time. I am not saying that she does not have her own issues and challenges, she does, but our marriage failure is predominantly my fault. The words of the poem reflect my heart's desire, and I expressed that in a letter to her, apologizing with heartfelt sorrow for all the mistakes I have made and asking for her forgiveness, and a chance to build a new marriage founded on the rock of Christ in our lives. I told her that the poem was not a hope, but rather a prayer for our future, if we can have one. I sent that poem, and note along with some roses to her house and it was there when she arrived home from work.

In her typical fashion of communication, there was no reply, at least not yesterday nor this morning. I will be shocked to my core if she replies at all, even to acknowledge her receipt of the flowers. This is how she deals with things that she does not want to deal with, she simply ignores them and its like it never happened. After 35 years of knowing my W, I know that the next time we talk, which may be this week or two weeks from now, not sure because contact is left up to her, she will not even mention that she has the poem or the letter from me.

I know that many of us on here are on a one-way street, that being the other spouse does not have any interest in re-building a new marriage and wants out. This is my situation. In Michele's book DB - she said something that so strikes a cord with me -and that is -you (who are reading this book) are going to have to do this hard work of DB ALONE - it is almost impossible for both spouses to come to the desire for reconciliation at the same time, one of you has to start it and do the hard work and have perseverance and tolerance and hope while the other spouse has zero desire to build a future with you. Michele in her book said "Its not fair - get used to it - get to work". That is my circumstance in spades here - my W has zero interest in building a future and in fact takes all actions to the contrary - telling me to "give up - quit trying - there is no hope". My only response to that consistent message from her is the words of Winston Churchill of:

NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER - GIVE UP

Those words are on a plaque on my desk, right beside the picture of my W and I in happier times. I will NEVER give up on us, and she already has. Not easy days and nights I can assure you.

So, just getting started with the day here, thought I would share my Valentines Day with you and wonder what your thoughts are.

Should I have sent the poem to her that she sent to me, or have remained silent and let the day pass with no contact whatsoever.

Have a good day all
FL

[Queen_of_Swords]

V day was hard on me and many here, including you.

The general consensus in terms of behaviour was to not place any focus on it and not make any unwanted gestures of affection.

In most cases our spouses are not where we are. They have emotionally left us, are "done", and feel a great deal of guilt.

I hope for your sake that your act has the effect you wish it would have on your W, what she will do with your gesture is in God's hands now.

(((Firstlove)))

[Firstlove]

Thanks SC - I think yours is good advice and perhaps I should have done nothing and just left it - but I went ahead and left the poem at her place - all wrapped up as a gift for her.

I found it "interesting" that she never even opened it up - it is still sitting on her counter - unopened. I had to go over there to fetch the dogs that I look after during the day and saw thru the kitchen window that the box is just sitting there wrapped.

She is most definitely in a very very different place than me - both physically and emotionally

FL

[dixiegal]

Good Afternoon BITS!

So, I just got off the phone w/the DBing C! She is soooo awesome! BITS...everyone has to get a DBing C!

Anyways, she says that I must go to the dinner here is why:

H can only give what he initates. (Not what I do.)
H needs to SEE the changes that you are making. Can't do that by only phone, text and FB.
All contact is a good contact if I make it so. Its is a oppty.
H has expressed shock/wow factor to my changes because...ie staying calm, going dark, FB adventures and etc and what he said on phone.

That I need to go, that I have to take the oppty as this is first time he has asked since Dec when he said it was done. (I didnt ask him he ask'd me.) My goal should only be to get along and have a nice dinner and to listen to him. (Denver you did just what she was telling me!)

Even if H says something that is really hurtful to me. I must tell myself so what I can deal with that later away from here. Right now, I'm going to show compassion for what he is saying and feeling. By doing this, it allows him to say wow she is really listening and I thought she would get mad like always. Maybe I can talk to her again...maybe I want to. Thank him for him being honest and acknowledge how hard that must have been. If he starts talking...DONT INTERRUPT even if its to agree!

That I should mirror his behavior...if he hugs me, kiss or etc. But, if he pulls a way or acts distant, then I should keep cool also.

I must set low expectations...It doesnt matter if H doesnt want to go to C. I can make the changes for me...H will see this and will then make the choice to move forward or walk away.

Don't argue about the facts...nobody wins...

That I must show him what he is missing: being positive, happy, calm during the interaction.

That if I feel like I'm getting upset or mad. To pay attention to the my "yellow" light warning signs. Then, if I can excuse myself to the bathroom and calm myself. But, H must not see this! If I can't get up at the moment....use "Thought Stopping" Tell myself..NO-Don't go there! I can wear a rubber band on my risk out of his sight. Under the table just pop it everytime I get freaked...LOVED that idea!

Finally, even if he says he wants a D. It means nothing it does not mean it will happen..it's still not over....I should say..I dont want a Divorce but, I wont stand in your way. However, if he wants to discuss details of the D. That I should say, I will not participate in the D. If that's what you want you will have to proceed without my assistance.

So, there it is BITS....I feel prepared for it no matter what on Thursday. Please keep us in your prayers.

Sorry for the typo's typing from the phone...

Dixie