Thank you Lorie and Angel. Your responses are so comforting and uplifting, and it was a horrible afternoon.
Just finished with my exercise group. That always helps the PMA. Also made plans w some other singles in the group for dinner at my house on Valentine's Day. I was so dreading Monday - I've always been one to celebrate all the holidays. I let that all go down the tubes when H walked away just before Thanksgiving. :-(
But, why should I do that? It's a part of who I am. So I'm making myself push forward, and the heart wreath is going on the front door when I get home. :-)
I'm with you. My holidays really sucked this year as well. W left right after Thanksgiving.
I've decided to get my W nothing for Valentines Day. It's be the first time since 1984 that she didn't get anything from me.
Hang in there. We're in this together.
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
So even if he is a WA, not MLC, or a combo, everything I do is for me, and any positive affects on him will be due to my 180s, as if's GALing, and personal growth?
That's pretty much it, Nic1...nothing else you can do for him; so you must do and change for yourself; in that process separating yourself from him...not quite in the same way he separated from you; but separated out, nonetheless.
The separation onto different paths had already begun with the Bomb Drop you experienced; now it must finish within YOU.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
H called my cell and work phone Thur afternoon while I was exercising, but didn't leave a message.
Friday night I put his mail in his front door, and left a voicemail telling him it was there. (He seldom answers my calls.)
S came home today, and stopped to see H first. Later S and I visited my mom and H's dad- both are in different nursing homes.
Later I got a text from H asking if I was home. I replied yes. Over an hour later he showed up while S and I were watching tv. H joins us, and proceeds to send two lengthy text messages.
I mention that his dad looked good tonight. He wanted to know what that was all about. I told him S and I visited my mom first, then his dad. I got the feeling he didn't think I should be seeing his dad. (His sister has said she hopes I will visit him.)
H follows me to the kitchen. (I've been waiting since the S began for him to say he is filing for D, and I'm assuming that's why he called the other day.) He begins questioning/complaining to me that he's "not in the loop" about D wedding planning. I said I'm sure she'd be glad to talk to him if he asked. He comes across to me that it's somehow my fault he doesn't feel like he knows any and everything. I told him I didn't think much had been done since he'd moved out, but shared a few items I knew about. Did I handle this correctly? It's up to him and D to maintain their relationship, isn't it?
I told him I'd noticed a missed call from him this week when I was in a meeting. He wanted to know what kind of meeting, then said he couldn't remember why he had called. Should I have told him I was exercising? That's one of my 180s and GALing, so didn't think I should mention it. Then I wondered later if maybe he thought I was w a lawyer.
He then asks what he owes for bills this month, and I told him it would be about the same as last month and I'd get him the total tomorrow. He said he can't just get the money immediately. Keep in mind he's living in a building we own, so no rent to pay and utilities have to be under $300 a month there. He says he assumes I'm making sure the mortgages are paid, etc. Wth? Does he think I'm just taking his money and not paying bills?
We always have a special dish on Christmas Eve, and seldom have it any other time. It is a little expensive to make, and I made some comment to that affect. (I know, wrong thing to say.) He tells me that he bought the ingredients, but didn't know how to make it. I start to copy the recipe for him, and he says not to worry about it, because it's expensive and he shouldn't have it. I said you have everything already . . . He tells me to stop writing down the recipe, then he finishes it. Should I not have offered to write it? Was he feeling guilty? Does he see me as controlling when I do that? I've given him several recipes since he's moved out, and sometimes he texts and asks for them.
I know he was on the phone with OW for several hours this afternoon, so it makes me wonder what he's planning. He seemed angry with me, different from the last time he was here two weeks ago.
I'm trying to take the high road here in this sitch. I want to remain at least friendly with WAH. We have two children together, and hopefully grandchildren some day. I don't want the bitterness I've seen between some couples to be present when we are in the same place at the same time. Of course, ultimately the best situation, IMO, would be reconciliation.
Problem: H wants to be in the wedding planning loop. D is in school, works a lot of hours, visits fiance out of town whenever possible.
So, is it OK to have D, soon to be SIL, and WAH for dinner Saturday pm to discuss wedding plans? I don't want to be seen as a pursuer, but before Xmas my goal with DB coach was positive interactions with H via phone.
Nic1, it seems as though you and I are hoping to setup a situation where our spouses will realize how we’ve changed. Believe me I would love for W to notice, take possession of her body and come home. Sadly in my sitch that is not likely.
This is all MO and you should consider the source. I am new on this board.
If you can dial the expectation down to zero, and the D and SIL can keep from pressuring your H you might pull this off. There are some pretty big pitfalls here though. How emotionally charged will the atmosphere be? Dinner at the house you both used to share will probably not be neutral ground. If you can afford dinner out it might be better assuming you still want to go through with it. Can you mull this over for 72 hrs before inviting? Consider what you’re expectation are. If you’re trying to enable the wedding plan discussion and nothing more then see how it goes on neutral ground in public at an affordable restaurant.
If you are trying to wave improvements so he’ll notice them that would be pursuing.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I'm not totally detached, so honestly, it will be hard not to do a little flag waving. I have several more days to continue working on that.
However, we survived Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve (a month after he left) at home and he's been out several times since. I got this idea from one of the success stories - always being nice, invite them but no pressure to show up. But you are right, I need to be detached. D has so much info to share about the planning - a notebook w stuff, online photos, etc., that being home would be easiest.
So, is it OK to have D, soon to be SIL, and WAH for dinner Saturday pm to discuss wedding plans? I don't want to be seen as a pursuer, but before Xmas my goal with DB coach was positive interactions with H via phone.
Do whatever you will be comfortable with, Nic; if you can deal with him; by all means invite him; all he can say is no; this would not be considered pursuit; your daughter gets married once in her life; and I'm assuming he would want to give her away at the wedding.
Quote:
I'm trying to take the high road here in this sitch. I want to remain at least friendly with WAH. We have two children together, and hopefully grandchildren some day. I don't want the bitterness I've seen between some couples to be present when we are in the same place at the same time. Of course, ultimately the best situation, IMO, would be reconciliation.
Be careful in HOW you take the high road; I say this because if you aren't firm with him at times; he will take your high road, as being a "doormat" and take advantage of your good will in a heartbeat.
Take it one day at a time; one step at a time; and watch him closely as you attempt to build a friendly relationship with him.
The majority of MLC'ers take friendship as a license to try and further run over the LBS; so that is WHY there seems to be bitterness between some couples; you don't know what they've gone through; therefore you cannot judge their attitude as really being bitter. Most people who've endured MLC; ended up divorced, or whatever; and have seen what the MLC'er is capable of; know to keep as much distance as possible between them and the MLC'er; who, most likely is STILL in the tunnel.
It all goes back to some people you cannot be nice to; because they will take you farther than you ever planned to go with them.
You'd be surprised at the lengths MLC'ers go to, in an attempt to control a situation...so boundaries, and the willingness to enforce them, are very important.
AND, there was time within the crisis; that niceness had to go out the door for awhile; my husband was trying to take advantage of me...and it didn't work.
I was never ugly to him; but I was firm about what I would and would not tolerate out of him in the way of behavior toward me.
I could NOT simply be nice to him; his behavior toward me got worse; and he acted out MORE, than he did when I set boundaries; and enforced them on him.
So, your attempt to be nice can backfire in a hurry; and somehow it can all get twisted right back on you before you realize it.
There was something I learned long ago; and it did apply to my own situation; I used to watch wives that seemed to be 'mean' to their husbands and I often wondered why..this was when I was young and dumb; and didn't know any better.
After the crisis; I understood MORE; IF I didn't hold firm boundaries in regards to my husband; he would not do what was right by me...and I found this out in a hurry.
He had TWO choices, when it came down to it; either fall in line, or walk away; this was HIS choice to make.
The majority of MLC'ers will try and get out of accountability; and they will do whatever they can do to keep from facing themselves.
Nobody says the wife has to be ugly; but being firm and unbending; especially when the husband is attempting to take advantage of the wife, has its merits; I had to do that same thing with mine.
And, there is NOT a mean bone in my body; I can promise you that..but setting boundaries on bad behavior is NOT being mean; it's self protection for YOU.
Food for thought; you think your husband wouldn't do much more than he's doing now; but you find out differently as the crisis wears on...the typical MLC'er will do and say things their spouses NEVER thought they'd do or even say..and it can and will rock the foundation of the marriage...putting your very committment to a hard test.
Maybe this will help.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I get mixed messages from H (at least I think they are mixed), so I'm not sure if he's in crisis mode or not.
I'd posted the following on another thread.
I think S_C and I have been through similar stuff. I kept "taking him back" because I love him and I couldn't envision giving up on my marriage and breaking my vows.
Then the distance became so severe, I suggested I leave. I kept thinking it couldn't be worse than it was- totally ignored emotionally by my H.
I regrouped and wanted to move forward, but the damage was done. Unbeknownst to me, he was planning his escape. He told his sister he left before he got hurt. He was confused. He didn't know if he could make me happy. He acted as if he hated me after he dropped the ILYbut bomb. The OW appeared, and I think the female vultures are as bad as the males.
A mutual friend said "I hope you work it out, but if there is an A, that's a deal breaker." I said no it's not. He looked floored, but I told him I still love H, and there was no reason to not work on a new marriage with H. I don't see that as being a doormat. If others see as that, who cares? I'd have be with the man I love, and hopefully creating a wonderful marriage with him. It's my life, not theirs.
I think I'm acting As If, and detaching, and GAL. He comes by occasionally, we text occasionally. Not sure what else I should be doing. No R talks since early December - he know I want to work on the marriage, and he said the door wasn't shut. I'm truly in limbo, not sure if I should be packing up to leave the house bec it will need to sell if we D. Wondering where I'll be in 6 months. No talk of filing from him, even though I expected it Jan 1. The longer he delays, the longer I have to work on me, and maybe he'll come around.
OW is still in picture, not sure if EA, PA or just a friend. I don't think it's PA yet.
H is being responsible as far as getting another rental unit rented and renovated. It seems strange not to be involved in that, as I have for 25+ years. I can't even go by to see progress, as he took all the keys to the units when he moved out. I've wondered if I should offer to help with the cleaning, as it's something I've always done.
When he picked up mail Sat, he made several strange comments. He wondered if I'd been paying all the bills, and what I was doing with his junk mail. I told him that things were being paid, and that I'd been shredding junk mail. He'd told me early on he didn't need to deal with the junk; when I thought he might be MLC, I didn't want to give him cc apps! So I gave him what hadn't been shredded. I wonder if he isn't trusting me now? This convo occurred after he'd spent a lot of time talking to OW, so just makes me wonder what is up with them. I guess if I was truly detached, I wouldn't care?
