When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[Kalni]

I agree, it was him facing the tuth he has known for a while: he cant provide for you guys as he would like to, he cant be what he would want to be, not yet anyway.

Mish, you need to get a bit more optimistic my dear...
Luv
K

[oldtimer]

"I wrote a note on the top of the bulletin and handed to him saying "Sorry. I had no idea." He rolled his eyes at that."



So, you ASSumed what his reaction would be and then gave him ZERO space to have a positive or neutral reaction.

Hmmmmm.

Also, if I were him, I would have been rolling my eyes at your egg-shell-walking apologizing-for-things-beyond-control molly-coddling of me, FWIW.

[MichelleLT]

Just prepare how you can. Pack chains, some food and water and a couple blankets in the car. Then just drive. No point in worrying about what mother nature may or may not throw at you. She's too unpredictable even on a good day lol.

It'll all work out somehow.

[mishka422]

Also, if I were him, I would have been rolling my eyes at your egg-shell-walking apologizing-for-things-beyond-control molly-coddling of me, FWIW.

Ok, so I'm molly-coddling because I was genuinely mortified that the one week I asked him to go with me happens to be the start of a series about marriage? I was so humiliated. I wouldn't want him to think I purposely did that so why shouldn't I apologize? It's not like I was apologizing for the subject matter, only that I didn't know. I'm confused, please explain.

Egg-shell walking? Well, yes. I've admitted as much. There is not a moment of a day that I'm not scared of saying or doing something that will set him off. There is not a night that that he is 30 minutes late coming back that I immediately think he's off with some woman. It's a torturous existence but one that I am creating all on my own. At least I'm aware of that. That's an improvement at least.

I don't give him credit but that would require trust. He hasn't done anything to really earn it but he also hasn't been trying to. He doesn't have any reason to. I'm the landlady.

Mish, you need to get a bit more optimistic my dear...

Optimisim is not my strong suit!!! There is not much to be optimistic about but I'll see what I can do about that.

I don't have chains but I do have the water and blankets and some snacks in the car. Scary stuff!!!! LOL

[oldtimer]

Mish,

It's not that big of a deal. But, what I'm trying to show you is the other side. Being around an egg-shell walker is torturous too. "Oh my God, she's so skittish, can't I ever just relax without making her nervous?" Being around someone constantly assuming one's feelings and trying to manage them is stifling. My point is that he didn't ever have a chance to form his own feelings/reaction -- you handed them to him preconceived.

IMAGINE he wasn't judging you and condemning you from the moment he walked into the door. IMAGINE he might have actually gotten something positive fun it. You didn't really give him space to have such an experience without feeling stupid or embarrassed about it.

Did you ever have a friend who was constantly shaping herself to be congenial to you, changing her favorite color, her food, never saying what she wanted to do, soooo worried about turning you off? Not much of a friend really because that other person really isn't in the R, but instead some kind of warped reflection of you.

Imagine you are a size 16/18 and a friend takes you shopping to a non-plus sized store. You wonder if anything might fit, you see an amazing outfit you think might work, it is fun to be shopping with your friend. But then she pulls you over and says, "Mish, I'm so mortified they only have regular sized clothes here, I'm so sorry for bringing you, I didn't know." HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?

Be who YOU are. Be direct. STOP managing Gabe -- let him be who he is.

[mishka422]

Ahhhh...ok, now I get it!!! That was an excellent example. I thank you OT!!!

Oh believe me, I'm myself in most aspects but I find that I am extra cautious when it comes to the parts of my personality that he claimed were the catalyst for the D. I am, by nature, sarcastic. No surprise to anyone here!!! He took things I said in jest and turned them into truism even though my actions didn't match that and decided that I was disrespecting him. Nothing could have been further from the truth but that is how he say it and I endeavor to not be that way. Of course that means the I'm not nearly as 'off the cuff' as I used to be. Is that a good thing? I don't know. It just tends to make me a little bit dull IMO.

Again, not sure why it would even matter. I don't believe he's in this for the long haul.

[kat727]

Let me ask you this...Are YOU in it for the long haul? What are you wanting this to be?

kat

[MichelleLT]

How long does he have to be there before you might think he is?

He was there for almost 20 years before. And now he's been back a while. Not just a few weeks, not just a few months. And he shows no signs of leaving now...just because it hasn't been spoken out loud doesn't mean anything one way or the other really.

I too tend towards sarcasm, and I also tend to watch what I say more now. However, there's a difference between using sarcasm to be funny and using sarcasm as a shield or a way to make a point to someone without just directly stating the issue or requesting what you want.

There is plenty to be optomistic about sweetie. You have a steady job, a nice house, a great kid (despite his faults and crazy phases lol), and a pretty great XH who is there for his son and for you. Just because you don't always like your job or feel unsure about where things stand with Gabe doesn't negate the good in your life. It just is. Nothing is perfect.

[mishka422]

Let me ask you this...Are YOU in it for the long haul? What are you wanting this to be?

That is a very fair question kat and I don't have much of an answer. I have no confidence in my ability to maintain any kind of a R so, in short, no - I'm not in it for the long haul. I don't believe in forever anymore. I don't believe in the 'power of love'. Call me whatever you want but that's the honest truth. Anyone who can maintain their belief in love after what we have gone through has my utmost respect, I'm not one of those.

What do I want this to be? No idea. My stupid heart is still engaged and has those foolish girlhood fantasies of a happy family with a man who loves and cares for me, is tender and kind and comforting. My head knows that is not reality. So what do I want? Stability. That is the most I can hope for but I don't know what it's going to take to feel like that.

My sarcasm has never been used to be snarky toward people (except when I'm pushed WAY too far). It's always been used in a joking manner and usually is self-depricating more than anything else. Even that was something Gabe said made him feel disrespected so I have become very dull (IMO) because I don't speak the way I used to. Yes, I should just be myself and to heck with him and what he thinks of it but it's become habit to bite my tongue and fight my nature.

[JCJ]

Yes, I should just be myself and to heck with him and what he thinks of it but it's become habit to bite my tongue and fight my nature.

Can so relate!

(((Mishka)))