Seven weeks from bomb-MLC?

[nic1]

I'm afraid it's been to long between posts for anyone to respond, but I hope that's not the case.

I've spent the last several weeks reading the links posted by Cadet, and so many threads. I'm not sure where to begin, but will start w the WAS v. MLC.

My husband (and all his siblings) felt so much pressure from FIL to succeed either academically or athletically. When I read "Why they run", i could see my husband all through it. Over the last two years, he went through two job changes and we moved. I know he was depressed and he mentioned he hated his new job. But then I read Jack's WAS v. MLC. The ILYBNILWY bomb was in June, and at the same time he mentioned D. He agreed to stay for a while, and work on things, but not MC. In Sept we tried Marriage Max, but he didn't want to do some of the suggestions. Looking back, the EA began about Oct. In Nov he moved out while I was at work. H had his move planned to a T - kept a rental open to move into, opened a separate checking account and has his paycheck deposited there, scheduled a day off of work and had friends lined up to help him move. He took the new furniture and TV, and moved old furniture from storage into our living room for me to use.

Although MLC can last for so long, I'm fearful now that this WAH won't come back no matter what I try to do.

I so wish I'd found DR while he was still here instead of the other, that it could have been so helpful.

After he left, he still mentioned being willing to work on R. That's why I let him have the first couple chapters of DR. And we did a couple "dates" - wish I had those as do overs! He even came by a couple times after he moved out to do MM, but again it wasn't helpful.

Do I stay in the MLC forum? Does it matter?

[Queen_of_Swords]

You haven't got the divorce papers yet.
There is hope if you want to hope.
Everyone of us here because we want our marriages to succeed and thrive and if not that, that we succeed and thrive in spite of it all.
The choice is yours.

[nic1]

I've been reading so much, but probably should have been posting. I really am confused how to interact with H, if at all.

H moved out 11/19. Prior to Christmas, I contacted H several times a week. Since then, I've pretty much gone dark, other than telling him I've left mail in his door or asking him to help with a portion of the bills.

I'm wondering if going dark has helped. For a period of time, he didn't respond to my calls or texts.

In early January I asked him to help with 50% of some expenses. He was not happy about it. A week later I stopped by his place with mail, and he gave me the money.

Last week I needed him to take out the animals on his way to work as I was working late. 12 hours after I'd texted him, there was no response. I texted that I'd made other arrangements. He texted back that he could do it, he just hadn't responded. Oh well.

My mother fell and needed surgery Tuesday, while we were in the midst of the snow storm. I let him and our kids know via text when she was having surgery. He contacted D later to see how I was doing. Later that night I asked him about street conditions in case I needed to get back to the hospital. He actually called to say he would drive me to the hospital if there was an emergency.

The next day I spent 3 hours shoveling out the drive so D could get to work and I could get to hospital. He showed up later in the day unannounced. He never said why he was here, although I suspect he thought I would need him to shovel. Before leaving he asked what he owed this month.

Is this typical behavior for WAH/MLCer? Or do you think this is a response to me going dark?

[nic1]

S_C, I do have hope - sometimes I wonder if I have too much hope. H has said he wants a divorce, but has said several times the door to the R isn't completely closed. He's seen two different lawyers, but he hasn't filed. He's told me several times that he will let me know before he files.

Money has really become an issue since he moved out. He is living in one of our rentals, so no income from that unit. Over a month ago, I volunteered to live in the apartment we have above a detached garage, and let him move back into the house to save money. He didn't respond, other than asking me why. I mentioned that we needed to put money aside for D wedding in 7 months. No response.

Last week D and I were discussing the wedding budget. She knows I've set aside money from a small job this fall. She asked H later if he was planning to contribute. Then H texts me to ask how 'we' are going to pay for the wedding. We???? I gave him a solution last month. I get so frustrated sometimes.

[nic1]

I saw on another thread that going dark was only for my benefit, to help with detaching. That has helped me some in the process, but I thought was also to have an effect on the WA. Am I confused here?

[Albuquerque]

Nic,

First off, you need to breathe.....................

The sense I get from your posts is that you are entirely focused on your marriage (and salvaging it). While that may seem to make sense, it actually doesn't. You have no control over your H. What he does is his choice and you must let him do as he chooses.

I saw on another thread that going dark was only for my benefit, to help with detaching. That has helped me some in the process, but I thought was also to have an effect on the WA. Am I confused here?

Yes I think you are confused. None of our actions are meant to "have an effect" on the spouse. Our actions are meant for ourselves. We detach because we need to become our own person. And for the record, detachment is not about no contact. It's gaining to the ability to NOT have an emotional response to the actions of the MLCer. It's a lot easier to gain that ability by removing yourself from the MLCer and learning that you CAN be OK on your own. I never had that opportunity due to his relationship with my D and had to learn to detach while still dealing with him often. It's possible, just a lot more difficult. But again, this is to make YOU stronger. It's not meant to have ANY effect on the MLCer. It sometimes does, but that is not the point. It's to make you healthy and whole.

As for your H's actions. Remember the mantras. MLC=confusion and "believe NONE of what they say and 50% of what they do". This is TOTALLY true. My H asks me the same question numerous times a day and seems to genuinely not remember asking. Their actions make no sense. Don't look for patterns, reasons, thought processes, because they are temporarily insane. You can't understand crazy. Don't try. Accept it for what it is, absolute confusion, and move on. You cannot rely on your H for anything at this point. In my own sitch, I refuse to tell D that H might be joining us for some event or activity. WAY too many times he either forgets, gets a mystery illness, or changes his mind. When he shows up, great. It's a bonus for her. But he cannot be relied upon.

Bottom line is that you need to focus on yourself. Improve yourself. You KNOW there are aspects about yourself that are incomplete. And part of you was relying on your H to "complete" you. That makes you an incomplete person and is, in the end, unhealthy. Work on making yourself whole and complete. If and when your H emerges from the fog, they DO notice the change. But again, when and if that time comes, you will be content with your changes because they were made for the right reason (YOU) and not made for someone else.

Keep reading and asking questions, but realize this is a sloooow process and you need to be in it for the long haul. Sorry you're here but this is the best worst place to be.

[HeartsBlessing]

NC1,

The first thing I see is that you're trying to "shake" him out of it; by doing all you can to more or less get him to notice you; going dark, NC, even boundaries are all for YOU; not him...this is MLC; and nothing you do will work.

You must get your focus OFF him; and onto you; because YOU are the only you can change and control; NOT him, not now, not ever.

Albuquerque is giving you what you need to know so you can take action WITHIN yourself.

I had to do the SAME things, when it was me; granted, it was harder because he never left home, but it was the SAME.

As you move forward, you will find that YOU hold as much power as he does for ending the relationship; IF this is chosen by you or him.

There are NO guarantees how this will come out..when he put you on a path that was not of your own making, he truly made this all about you, just as his MLC is all about him.

As long as you continue to focus on him; you will not move forward with your life, you will only get stuck in his drama; and that, is not healthy for you.

This is a LONG hard road that many have walked before you; some have come through with their marriages, some without...but each person who takes their journey to wholeness and healing is a success; regard of how the marriage comes out.

Whether the marriage survives the MLC or not; you will still take these same life's lessons(the areas within you that needs growth, change and improvement) into the NEW marriage or another relationship IF it comes to that.

But, know, you must walk the journey to wholeness, healing and change.

Each person contains within childhood wounds that need ripping open and healing within; this journey takes time.

The journey that results is an individual journey..and it takes time to navigate through; in that process, learning about ourselves; and honestly looking long and hard at ourselves.

There are some that say if you are satisfied with who you are you don't have to change, and that's true, but hear this, IF your marriage had been all it was supposed to be; and you and your husband were all you both were supposed to be; there would have been no need for the MLC to happen.

The crisis itself is a wake up call to something that's wrong; but the steps taken to "fix" this wrong lies on each individual.

In order to not go through a MLC/hard MLT, Life's Lessons must be learned; above all the lesson of Control; which simply says you cannot control anyone but yourself amongst others...and if the issues have been faced and settled; the MLT itself would have only been a "blip" on the radar screen.

Unfortunately, there are very few who dealt in this way..hence the MLC.

I, for one, NEEDED this time to grow and change...like many other people, I had baggage that came from childhood, and so did my husband.

Each of us had issues that bore looking at; him through his MLC; me through my journey; and that journey, for me, continued when I went into a Mid Life Transition that was triggered from his crisis....I wasn't finished with my issues..but finished them within that journey.

This is journey is VERY important for you; you can do nothing for your husband; but through the changes you make; these will affect him; as when you change; you actually cause others to have to change themselves to better relate to you...or they can decide not to have anything to do with you, anymore....and this shouldn't matter because change is necessary, regardless.

True maturation results from these changes as you become a true adult for the first time in your life; afterward...and you learn all you were doing to 'please' others constantly was only hurting YOU; so you learn to care for yourself more effectively.

You will also find that you'd 'lost' yourself during the marriage; and that 'lost' identity will also be regained during the journey

You have nothing to lose; and much to gain; but these gains are for you; not anyone else.

Let go of your MLC spouse, let God work on Him; and allow God to also work on you.

You're in the early days of this; keep reading, keep asking questions; and gain more understanding as you move forward.

This all food for thought; and as you can see there has not been anything really said about your MLC spouse...there's not a thing you can do for him at this time.

There is hope as long as you love him; but you must figure out in this process what you would want..and if he returns to the marriage down the road changed; and ready to work toward rebuilding a new marriage out of the ashes of the old one; you will have gained a bonus in that process

You will also find the marriage was not a means to an end; and your happiness will not be and is not necessary for you to be happy; happiness is found within you; not provided by another person.

Just so you know; your husband is in the process of learning the SAME lessons you will learn; and hopefully, he will submit to the changing fires of the crisis...and become the husband he was always meant to be for you.

If not; then you will have gained the necessary tools of a lifetime to live your live more fully; and he will have lost more than you ever thought about.

You'll be fine; you just don't see it right now...but you will.

[nic1]

So even if he is a WA, not MLC, or a combo, everything I do is for me, and any positive affects on him will be due to my 180s, as if's GALing, and personal growth?

Our M had so many complications, I'm fearful H is one of those WAs that won't ever look back.

If detachment doesn't equal no contact, is there any contact I should be making with H? He seems to be interacting with the OW more since I've gone dark. I know, I can't control that, right?

I will be fine. I have to be fine. It's just such a long road to get there . . .

Today has been horrible. Not sure why, other than I think I've made strides towards being on my own and personal growth, and suddenly I'm thinking about being rejected and feeling that I'm apparently not worthy or lovable in his eyes. And my day just fell apart.

Thank you, Lord, for the wonderful friends you have surrounded me with and the wisdom here to help me through this day.

[angel61]

We go through our own roller coaster, nic.

My sitch is in its 7th month, and yesterday again I just fell apart. I cried and sobbed while driving home. Then decided to go for some retail therapy, boy, did that help.

No matter what, the rejection, resentment, sadness, loss all come back, and we fall apart. Whatever label we put on our H's , it doesn't matter. They have left us, whether physically or emotionally or both. I think being with your H (like me) has its disadvantages. When we are around them, they feel guilty, and it pushes them farther away. When we are close, we see what they do, their lies, we resent it when they prioritize the OW, and this leads to R talk, to acting resentful, and this does not help the sitch. We may not understand it but going dim or dark seems to be a way that others have trodden before and that seems to be a better way than being arpound and too available. Myself, I could not do it, although I am working at detaching.

It is really and truly hard to let go, i tell you. My friends think I have but to be honest, here in the forum many people tell me that I have not really been successfuil in doing so, and I know I have to try harder.

Just don't be discouraged though.

Its a slow process usually, but you will get there.

[Lorie1964]

[quote=nic1
If detachment doesn't equal no contact, is there any contact I should be making with H? He seems to be interacting with the OW more since I've gone dark. I know, I can't control that, right?
[/quote]

Nic, you are right about detachment not equaling not contact. But if you need to have no or little contact in order to detach, then that is what you need to do.
As far has H interacting with OW in of non consequence. She is not the enemy, the devil is! Pray for your husband and for yourself. Walk closely with God and ask him to change you to be the woman that God wants you to be. Then you will be able to focus on who you are and the love that God has for you. You are loved! No matter what H says, he doesn't give you value, YOU and God do, so don't let H words weave their way into soul, those are the words of the devil.
Keep your focus on God.