Be the Lighthouse

[Denver_2010]

I'm just glad that you can take it FOBD!! 2Step and I were having a ball being the only 2 BITS on the board yesterday afternoon.

[Denver_2010]

As for wanting to talk, well, be ready for that one. It could be good, it could be bad. My W contacted me three weeks ago because "she wanted to talk." It turns out she just wanted to reaffirm to me that we are through and that she wanted furniture. I guess all I can tell you is prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

This is my major concern at this juncture too. W has made 5 statements that seem contradictory in regards to what W wants us to talk about later this week:

1. "I guess I just don't understand why you haven't initiated a conversation with me or tried to work things out."

This was said last night and seems to suggest that she has been waiting for me to go to her, initiate R talk, and try to work things out.

2. "Although I'd be fine watching the game tomorrow, I think it sends very mixed messages to you and SS, so I probably shouldn't. I appreciate the invitation but there are too many unresolved issue with us right now."

Also said last night. One take on this could be that she is not interested in reconciliation at this point and she needs to clear up the 'mixed messages' that she is concerned about.

3."SIL AND BIL said you are welcome to watch the SB at their house."

This was said early this afternoon. W and I had already decided that we would NOT be watching the game together, yet she initiates an invite to her sisters to watch the game with her and her family. This seemed very passive aggressive to me. She didn't say 'I'd like you to come over' or 'why don't you come over', she phrased it as an invite from SIL. BUT, she didn't have to invite me at all. To me, this seems that she did want to spend the time with me. If true, this would be a good sign.

4. "I'm not as willing to dive into anything with you as you are. It's complicated and I'm seriously confused and torn. Just trying to be nice."

Said early this afternoon. This one concerns me the most. Mainly the 'it's complicated and I'm seriously confused and torn" part. What is complicated? What is she confused about? What is she torn between? These statements will probably cause me to lose sleep.

5. "If you are smart, you'd do anything to keep me. But that's just my opinion. "

Said early this afternoon. W's first statement of any kind indicating that there is a chance that M may be saved. It is the first time that she has said anything opposite of what she told me on December 22 or 23 when she told me, "you lost me. i am not a price to be won. you cannot win me back."

--------

I think that deep down W knows that she wants to reconcile. I really do. I think that she is embroiled in an internal battle with herself. With all of the "concrete" and "final" decisions that she thought she had made back in November and December. With all of the statements to that effect that she probably uttered to all of her friends and family.

W does not want to come out of this looking like she made a mistake and crawled back to me. She wants to come out of this looking like the victor and me looking like I had to beg and plead for one more chance to show that I could be a good H.

Where I think that there is at least a reasonable chance that I could be wrong are with the 'its complicated, I'm confused, I'm torn" statements. These COULD relate to OM. I lean towards that they do not bc I have seen VERY little evidence that he has been a big part of her life over the past couple of weeks at least. And even before that, I had written her that I had a feeling that things bw W and OM were done or almost done. This could be the work of my imagination still making OM a big part of this... OR, it could be the work of my denial that OM is NOT still a big part. I can't trust either. So I really don't know.

I guess I will get answers when she and I go to dinner in the coming week or two.

BITS
Denver

[mj144]

You are reading too much into her "confused and torn" comment. She is feeling that way because she had told herself that she was done with you. Now she wants to come back. She is a bit skeptical, but she is warming up to the idea of R. You say she is a somewhat stubborn person, so she will naturally be a bit "confused and torn" because she has changed her mind.

You know better than we, but I really do not think much, if any type of A went on. You describe the OM as someone she plays music with, so I get the feeling that there was waaaaaaay more going on in his mind than in hers. She was flattered by him and maybe a bit smitten, but I would seriously doubt if she considered him much more than he really is. JMHO.

Man, you are there. I am thrilled for you. Just tread lightly, shed some doubt to her. It will validate her feelings and take her guard down and show her that you are serious about fixing things and won't just fall back into the same patterns. Your doubt will also let her know that she has some work to do without you coming out and telling her she has some things she needs to work on.

Great work!

B.I.T.S.

[grr]

of course she contradicts herself
she is confused
none of this is black or white
and that is why you have to let her figure it out for herself (or at least think she is?)
it seems weird to say, but don't worry about om - easier said i know- but you, denver are much more attractive to her, on so many levels...and will remain if you stay steadfast, and patient
you are not even sure this is happening
so what good will it do you to dwell, when you already know you want her back
we usually see people the most clearly, and i mean really see them, when they are standing not so close to us..you know what i mean
give her the room to truly see how wonderful you are and how lucky she is to have you

and when you have dinner, let her lead the conversation

[Denver_2010]

of course she contradicts herself
she is confused
none of this is black or white
and that is why you have to let her figure it out for herself (or at least think she is?)
it seems weird to say, but don't worry about om - easier said i know- but you, denver are much more attractive to her, on so many levels...and will remain if you stay steadfast, and patient
you are not even sure this is happening
so what good will it do you to dwell, when you already know you want her back
we usually see people the most clearly, and i mean really see them, when they are standing not so close to us..you know what i mean
give her the room to truly see how wonderful you are and how lucky she is to have you

and when you have dinner, let her lead the conversation.

Thanks grr and MJ. I think that you both are absolutely correct. And yes, I will let her lead the conversation, validate, and agree.

But...

shed some doubt to her. It will validate her feelings and take her guard down and show her that you are serious about fixing things and won't just fall back into the same patterns. Your doubt will also let her know that she has some work to do without you coming out and telling her she has some things she needs to work on.

I think that I will work this in too MJ. I think that this is a good idea.

BITS
Denver

[hope2011]

WOW, Denver, all good stuff!!!!

Sounds like she wants to come back but is scared. She pushed you away, she said she was done... it probably is scary for her to want to come back but not sure if you want her, if the changes are real and if you guys can make it work.

I think MJ is right on about OM.

So happy for you!!!!! Keep up the good work!!!

[lostinscared]

Denver,

1. I am glad that you went to see the game. I know that was a tough decision, but you made the right one.

2. Contradictory statements??? Well, maybe it's just me, but I would be thrilled by those. If she kept insisting it was over and not giving you a glimmer of hope, then I would be more concerned. That is not what's happening. It's time for you to take a walk over to the thread showing people who reconciled. Those people are together and were hearing the same things you are.

3. "Trying to be nice." Ugh, I would love to just tell her not to do you any favors. BUT, this is actually not a bad statement either. See, it's pride-saving time. She is turning a corner, but she's got her pride to keep in doing it. I have a feeling as you move closer she's going to continue making statements like this... like she's doing you a favor. Ignore it. AND DO NOT LET YOUR PRIDE DO THE TALKING. If you do, that door will slam faster than you can blink an eye.

4. Ummm... she's confused and torn because her fantasy is falling to pieces at your feet. Meaning, she felt that she would leave and everything would be fine and dandy. Whatever misery she was going through at home would suddenly evaporate if she left. Well, the misery is probably still there, might even be worse and she hasn't a clue what to do with that. Why we believe that our spouses are any less confused than us, I don't know. They are probably more confused. We are learning to have a plan. We have been given a book with the steps clearly laid out. We are talking to people on a daily basis who help us refine our plans. What are our spouses doing??? They are floating in the wind with little to no anchor.

5.If you are smart, you'd do anything to keep me. But that's just my opinion. " - Now this statement is the most telling of them all. She is telling you something here. If she was trying to get away, she would NEVER EVER EVER EVER make a statement like this. She would be running in another direction and would not be doing anything to spur on behavior that is consider pursuing. They hate pursuing when they make the decision to leave. Well, that doesn't appear to be the case here exactly. She's daring you to come after her with this statement. Very, very interesting.

6. Forget about the OM. He does not figure into this equation right now. You have got to do anything to get this out of your mind. I'm pretty convinced that was more fantasy than anything else. I have a feeling that was more of a safety net after she left than something that had truly developed.

Denver, you're doing awesome. Play it smart. Get on phone with DB coach. I am so cheering for you! I am also praying for you. Hang tough.

LIS

[2stepboogie]

I second everything that has been said here. I will caution you about two things

1. Over confidence
2. Over reacting to anything that you hear or reaching too soon.

Neither will have a favorable response. She has thrown you a life line so proceed intelligently and with patience.

I agree about the OM thing. This is a cause of heartburn for me also but right now your mind needs to be focused on the task at hand. I think MJ is right on the money with his analysis on this.

Lost is also right on the money as usual with her analysis and I would heed her advice.

Do not read too much into the mix messages comment I get those from my W on occasion and at first something as small as that would send my mood south in a hurry. I have learned to tune those out, ignore them and just keep moving forward.

Dude, you are on the cusp of taking a real turn for the better but you are also on the verge of really screwing up. You have gone overboard at times with excitement and luckily they have not been deal killers for you but now is the time to exercise patience and smarts.

I will see you in the success stories soon enough.

[Denver_2010]

You know better than we, but I really do not think much, if any type of A went on. You describe the OM as someone she plays music with, so I get the feeling that there was waaaaaaay more going on in his mind than in hers. She was flattered by him and maybe a bit smitten, but I would seriously doubt if she considered him much more than he really is. JMHO.
B.I.T.S.

I really hope that you are right MJ. I am somewhat embarrassed to continue to harp on this issue, but my mind just won't stop.

My BIGGEST fear, by far, is that I go have dinner with W and she tells me that she is "torn" between coming back to me and our M and OM. I envision her telling me this, and me sitting there and just wanting to cry and throw up. I honestly don't know how I will respond to her if she says this to me.

I know that my mind is working overtime on useless things, but don't I need to be prepared for the absolute worst?

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

WOW, Denver, all good stuff!!!!

Sounds like she wants to come back but is scared. She pushed you away, she said she was done... it probably is scary for her to want to come back but not sure if you want her, if the changes are real and if you guys can make it work.

I think MJ is right on about OM.

Thanks Hope. I'm sure that she IS scared of all of those things. I'm scared too. Yet, I have to be the one who pulls us and our M through this. Some days, I wonder why it has to be that way. Why this is, and has been, so important to me but not my W.

I'm frustrated, nervous, and sad today everyone. Sorry that I'm whining so much today. Just venting I guess.