When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[MichelleLT]

Gabe left because he believed he would be better off without you. While things that you had said and done, or not said and done, contributed to that, it doesn't change the fact that HE DECIDED to bail on his family. You didn't make him do it, and it's HIS FAULT. And all the crap that happened afterwards also resulted from his decisions. It's not about placing blame or trying to figure out who started it, it's circular and can't really be separated out easily.

Nearly dying from heartbreak and pain taught me to be very tentative in my relationships with all other people, not just Gabe.

I feel you. I do. I fight with this too. BUT I think the most important lesson here is...you didn't die! You picked yourself up, you made ends meet, you worked on yourself and made a new life for yourself. You made it without him.

And he couldn't make it without you. LOL

Oh, a follow-up thought to your earlier post about Gabe taking the night off. Make sure and thank him for it, communicate how much you appreciate it to him in a way he'll really get. And after bowling and whatever, put Marc to bed and make the rest of the night just for the two of you.

[mishka422]

You know, I don't know what is conspiring to drive me crazy, but apparently the universe is having one heck of a laugh at my expense!!!

Ok, first, my horoscope over the last 2 weeks has had a consistent theme. Stop all negative thoughts. Oh really? Gee, I hadn't though of that. Today's was a real doosy though! "Don't fall into the 'destiny' trap, Taurus. Someone may have convinced you - or you may have convinced yourself- that a certain status is your lot in life. Maybe it's your financial situation, your love life, your home life, your career. Whatever it is, though, is only limited by the way you think about it. One of your prominent characteristics is your powerful will and determination. When you make up your mind about something, that's it! The trouble with that is that it doesn't just work with positive thinking - it works with negative thinking too. Change your mindset and reach for what you really want."

Hmmm.....I don't really believe in those but it's been on the same theme for weeks.

So anyway...

Yesterday morning I had asked Gabe if he would like to go to church with me. He said he would like to so all was well. We get to church, sit down, and I looked at the bulletin that has the day's subject on it. "Marriage Matters". UGH! The next 4 weeks are a huge marriage seminar!!! OMG! I was humiliated. I hadn't read the emails from the church telling the upcoming lessons and news so I had no idea. That was the most uncomfortable hour I've spent in a while. He wasn't thrilled with the situation but he didn't say anything about it either. I got some eye rolling and sour looks which said enough.

UGH!

[MichelleLT]

So, important stuff: did you have fun Friday night?

Okay, now on to the other stuff. About church, great that he went. Crappy about the subject. I'm sure it made him feel nice and guilty lol.

I must confess I'm very curious. What things got him rolling his eyes and giving sour looks in particular? It seems like that would give some insight into where he is mentally/emotionally on his recent past.

Don't let this fester. Don't brush it under the rug either. Do a 180 and just bring it up: Gabe, I'm embarassed about yesterday. I didn't look at the upcoming lessons and news and had no idea this month would be marriage seminars. But I really appreciated you going to church with me, so maybe we can do it again next month.

Or whatever it is you want to say.

But say something! LOL

About your horoscopes - that's just bloody funny. You're getting told from every conceivable angle!

[Reincarnated]

Try reading this:

http://www.gettingpastyourpast.com/?p=6703#more-6703

and this:

http://www.gettingpastyourpast.com/?p=6607#more-6607


Affirmations are very uncomfortable to say, let alone believe. At first.
When you are doing them, you are actually rewiring your brain, and it feels down-right wrong. Your thinking over all these years has worn a groove in your psyche, in the way you look at yourself. You have to "reformat" things.
It doesn't take as long as you might think, but it does take determination and effort on your part - you can't give up when it feels silly, or stupid, or like lies. Just keep doing it.

Look up ways to write your own affirmations, or read some on the internet. You have to do these many times throughout the day. The more you practice, the less time it will take (just like learning any new skill, like riding a bike).

I'm trying to remember, but didn't friends here try to get you started a while back?

Hey, all, if you can help write an affirmation for Mish, please add it here:

Mish is a dedicated, involved mom who loves her son deeply and makes sure he has what he needs.

Mish has a wam soul; when she loves you, it is without reservations or conditions.

Mish has an inner beauty that shines through when she smiles. Even her eyes smile and sparkle.

[Reincarnated]

Google DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy) and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). There are lots of tools there that work, IF you work them.

Here's another link to worksheets that can help:
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/freedownloads2.htm

[mishka422]

You know it! The universe has it's sights on me apparently.

We had a lot of fun Friday night. We took Marc to dinner and a movie. It was good to just be out doing family stuff. As much as I would have like to just be alone, it was good to have Marc with us too.

He wasn't rolling his eyes at particular subject matter or anything. I wrote a note on the top of the bulletin and handed to him saying "Sorry. I had no idea." He rolled his eyes at that. The sour look seemed to come over his face when pastor was talking about a man's role to provide for his wife and put his very life down to protect her as Christ laid his life down for his church. I would understand the sour look if he was still the 'man of the house' and responsible for providing. He's not. He is a boarder with benefits so I don't know why that would elicit any response from him.

[Reincarnated]

He's embarrassed by his failures. It is about him, and I wouldn't worry about it too much. You certainly didn't set him up, and I don't think he believes you did.

Happy to hear about Fri night - and you seemed happy through Superbowl! Great game....

[MichelleLT]

Ah. Oh well, he'll get over that part.

Interestingly, I think the sour look is because he feels like he has failed at that. Even though he's not officially the "man of the house" anymore, his responsibility to provide, especially for Marc, didn't end with the divorce. And he probably feels guilty about that, as well as like crap about losing his prior job and now having to work 7 days a week to make less money.

Besides, just because you refer to him as a boarder with benefits doesn't mean he doesn't see himself as the man of the house.

Glad Friday night was lots of fun!!!!!!

[kat727]

I agree. He is getting to hear how he let his family down. It was good of you to let him know that you weren't sabotaging him or setting him up. Maybe he does see himself as the man of the house. Is he at least contributing funds now?

Mish has a wonderful, kind heart.

Mish is very loyal and supportive.

Mish is a beautiful woman and I am so glad she is my friend.

Love ya, kat

[mishka422]

You are all making me cry. Thank you so much for your continued support and ideas for help and healing. It means the world.

Donna, I am reading those articles you sent.

There are times I want to tell him to leave to save myself from the pain. There are times I want to cling to him and just tell him that none of the past matters and that I love him and always will. Most of the time I hang right in the middle of those two extremes. Maybe that is a positive thing. I can't quite decide.

My granny's 90th surprise birthday party is Saturday in Ohio. I can't afford airline tickets so we are driving. It's about 9-10 hours from here. Not bad if I could leave early Friday morning. That was my original plan - pull Marc out of school on Friday and hit the road. Of course, those plans are all screwed up. Marc has a huge biology test and a final test on "Dante's Inferno" in English. UGH!!! He has to be there which now means that we can't leave until 2pm. It's going to be very late arriving up there in the snow and ice. I'm not good and driving in bad weather so this should be a real treat!!!!!!