Divorce or Hope?

[Denver_2010]

I am so confused. Obviously their relationship must end if there is ever to be hope for us again. Do i have the stones to wait it out while life passes by?

Hi 9.

First and foremost, you need to work on detaching... from the situation with your W. This will allow you to regain your balance emotionally so that you can think and make decisions with a clear head.

Second... have you read much on mid life crisis (MLC)? I would go over to that forum and do some reading... maybe even post your sitch there. Your sitch may fall under that more than it does a typical WAS scenario... You know the details, so only you can really make that call. I'm just going by what you have written here.

Ok... do you have the stones to wait this out? A question that none of us here, except for you, can answer 9. YOU control only you... not your W or anyone else... whether or not you can, or WANT to wait out your W's A is a call that only you can make.

Will the affair last? Who knows. I've read that most A's typically burn out within 6 months... but, even if true, that is only 'most'... again, no way to answer this question.

You have to decide what YOU want to do here 9. You say that you want your M even now... why?

Why does 9 still want his M after everything that has happened?


BITS
Denver

[Firstlove]

Zeng

Good advice from you to Nine. Nine, I don't mean to be rude here pal, but I do NOT get it. I am reeling from the pain of my wife's PA that I caught her in and we have been separated now for 5 months - she lives in another house. We talk about stuff and business, but NEVER about our R or the PA, she simply refuses to talk even one word about our R or a future, she cannot speak of it. So I give her space, for now, to try and figure out what she wants to do with her life and if that life includes a R with me. These are very VERY hard times for me, and I am all about DB and hate the concept of divorce, hate it.

That said, for me, if my W even had one contact with the OM, and I mean even one, the divorce would be on full steam and I would never retract from that. Knowing that my W slept with OM was painful enough - I don't know how anyone could stand for it knowing that your wife IS currently sleeping with another man -I don't get it. That is something I could never do in a billion years.

Just saying - for me, I could never stand for that.

[Firstlove]

when the bomb drops - here is one way to react

Jumping Jehoshaphat is a phrase that was used to remind people that when startling, unexpected, or troubling news come to you, you will remember to “jump” into GOD'S arms and allow HIM to take care of your problem. Just like Jehoshaphat the king of Judah did when there was such a vast army there looked to be no way of escape. Jehoshaphat and his people called on the LORD and HE took care of the problem in a way that no man could have. So remember when something comes your way that makes you shout “Jumping Jehoshaphat” GOD can be the answer to your problem.

[ninelives]

First and Denver;

Thanks for the input. You guys are both well seasoned in this.

I dont know why I still feel so much love for my wife and want the marriage to work. I cant get over the feeling that she is in a situation that spiralled out of control for her and going by her mental state, doesnt know what she is doing.

Maybe she does and I have my head firmly up my A$$ but I cant give up for some reason. IDK if its because of my ego, cause I want our family back so bad or because I thought we would be married forever.

I too thought first that if my w even once screwed around it would be over in Chicago in a minute but thats not the case.

I dont want to take up with someone new and I certainly dont want to be raising someone elses children.

I am getting on better these days and as I have mentioned, when the weather gets better, I will be back on my bike and travelling around.

My W has Always been mixed up and admits to sabatogeing her own self destructive life. She has always had turmoil growing up and told me that she was not used to having Peace in her life.

I dont know, her dad did die a few years agon and she had so much resentment towards him that went unresolved.

Bottom line I guess is to get on with my life and be there for my boys. Get myself financially stable when the seperation agreement hopefully gets signed this week.

9
BITS

[Firstlove]

Nine
I wish you well in all your hopes and dreams my man, I truly do. I too never want to give up, and never will. I am not talking about "giving up" and I don't think that one spouse having an affair is THE nail in the proverbial marriage coffin - that is not my point. My point is the "continuation" of the affair - that is something completely different than "having had" an affair.

As Smokey the Bear so wisely said those many years ago "Only You can prevent Forest Fires", and Only You know the full circumstances of your sitch - ours are only comments of encouragement and well wishes to you. I only know this, I love my wife more than I ever knew imaginable, and she had an affair that literally ripped my very heart out and stomped on it. I still love her - actually I believe I love her more now than I ever have - so the affair does not kill the love.

I am doing DB every single hour of every single day and my heart's desire is that we will be able to build a marriage based upon God's love and His principals and live like we never have before in an abundant loving relationship - that is my hope and my prayer. I am on that path and will stay on that path. The ONLY thing that would get me off that path and move towards divorce, which I believe God hates - is if she continued to see the OM - that would be something that I would not, and could not, stand for. It would be over the day that happened here. That is just my situation, I am not suggesting that should be yours, merely reflecting on what mine is.

I wish you nothing but success and abundance Nine - it is not an easy road that any of us are on, not easy whatsoever.

[Seminolewind]

Moving forward is what you make of it. Just because my moving forward will lead to divorce does not say that yours shall be the same. Nobody knows your story better than you! I know my story better than my wife. So focus on you and detatch. I love my wife but I can't stand the thought of her with the om, so why would any man put up with this stuff? I refuse and I will make myself happy! Heck I still wake up at 3:00am thinking of them doing lord knows what, I just start thinking about something different. It has been helping me deal with this crap.

I think about how great my kids are and is th actions of their mother teaching them the proper way of dealing with life? Heck no! I need to be the rock for them and myself. I will succeed end of story. I put my kids first and it gets your mind off of a bad thought. Some of the old timers might disagree but it seems to help me. I also think I am making better life decisions now.

Make yourself happy we all have it in us.

[ninelives]

You are right about this sitch. I am the only one that can decide. Her moving on with the OM should be the nail in the coffin but again, I dont see her making the wisest moves in the world right now.

I would like the dust to settle and then decide what to do from there. He hasnt moved in yet but she does have a relationship with him for sure. He does stay over when my son isnt there and may be staying over when he is. I havent asked him since I dont want to stress him out. ( My son that is)

I know I am repeating myself but I am going forward and then seeing where things lie when and if she comes back. My therapist believes that someday she will come back when this relationship fizzles but she would come back for the wrong reasons.

Time to take a 2X4 across the head and realize that my marriage is over and may not be fixed ever.

Its a shame because we did have a good thing going , or at least thats what I thought along with countless others.

[Firstlove]

Nine and Seminole

You both have it so much harder than me that is for sure. I am fortunate in that the other man in this sitch does not live in this country - he travelled here on business on a regular basis and that is how they had their affair - he has not been back to my knowledge and my wife swears that she has not had any contact with him and has no desire to - she told me that the affair she had actually disgusted her and she is not attracted to him in the least - it was an "escape" from the challenges of our bad marriage, not a love for him sitch - so at least I don't have to deal with her being emotionally attached to him - at least that is what she tells me and I have to believe her on that, which I do.

That said, mine refuses to talk about a future with me and simply is incapable of moving forward in a positive manner - she is simply just stuck in a rut and will not go for counseling or even discuss the matter with me - its quite frustrating to be in this nightmare and the person who put you in it won't even talk. Not sure what to do at this point.

Semiole - good for you that you are being the best father that you can be - your kids will look back on this in years to come and know that you were there for them during this nightmare in their lives -that is a gift of life and love and it will last a lifetime for them.

When I wake up at 3:00 AM - and I do most nights actually - the only way I can get back to sleep and rest is to fall on God's word and His promise to me for a future with hope. I take my bible to my bed each night and my arms are around God's word and my hope lies only in Him - not in my wife. Two passages that get me thru those hard lonely frustrating nights are these

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know what I have planned for you, says the Lord. I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope"

and then

Psalms 4:8 "I will lie down and sleep in peace , for you alone O Lord, will keep me safe"

I then pray for my wife's healing and for her to have her heart soften and to seek peace for us as a couple. That allows me to sleep in peace.

I wish you both God's peace in your lives and in your futures

[ninelives]

Hey BITS

Just letting you know that there is nothing to report for the past few days. Last contact was at the arena when I asked her about Legal issues and she responded the next day via texts that she was happy and appreciative that I talked to her at the arena instead of ignoring ; which is what I usually do.

Question: If i ignore her, it really bothers her and she seems to take notice but not sure if that is working for DBing

If I talk to her, doesn't that validate her relationship with OM like Im OK with it and her decision to leave our family for him.

IM so confused today. Im having such strong feelings of missing her and wondering WHY this all happened and trying to make sense of why she is with this lowlife man that she is with.

Its driving me NUTS today, way more than ususal and I dont know why.

HELP!!!

[ninelives]

Please help.