Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Well Grit, Angel, BITS and company. I think I've reached that milestone. She can't hurt me anymore. What I mean is, no matter what happens, I no longer feel like a doormat.
You said give her what she wants. I've done that. For the sake of my tweener, I gave her the choice to find a new dwelling or she can stay, ie. her freedom. She's been looking at renting a condo nearby, which will require a deposit this week. So she has a decision to make in the next couple of days. We've even had civil convos about the financial aspects of the D.
But just to let you all know, my S12 is still a momma's boy and not into puberty yet. When he grows out of his momma's boy phase things will be different obviously, but I told her, I am willing to put aside the resentment and all negatives for the sake of my son, he needs his mom in the house right now.
I know this sounds like "meltyman" and totally contrary to the direction I was leaning towards in my prior posts, but I love him more than myself and my pride. Some of you may not understand, but you have to be here. That's all I can say.
I said if OM wasn't 500 miles away and she was seeing him around town then definately no, she'd have to leave, but thankfully that's not the case. I asked her to think, about it, because I thought she may feel the need to not just be away from me legally but also physically. I understand that. So now it's all up to her. I have given he total release. It's what she wanted from the beginning of the sitch. I am giving her what she wants.
And you know something? I actually feel good about it. Whatever she decides, I'm at a peaceful place, I've gotten there (I think). Is that what you were talking about?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
There is a certain peace in letting go of things you can't control...
You can't control what she wants or her choices.
You only control how you let them affect YOU.
I have let go of the anger and resentment and in the process also the pain and heartache. It's as if my psyche just couldn't take anymore. So it's all business with me now, civil interactions with W and pondering what's best for the kids.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
And in that process you discover who YOU really are.
As long as you know that and what you want and believe in
Then the rest is just the will to make it happen for you.
Letting her stay in your home while commiting adultery is YOUR choice.
How does that align with what you believe. Your son will know the truth one day. Is that what you want to teach him?
Whether she stays or goes, we'll still share custody, and she'll committ A or she'll not (no control), so my son will find out, when, I don't know. But as his father I only get one crack at his childhood. I believe having mom near is what is best for him today. But in the future, when he does discover the truth, I am not afraid to explain it to him. She may decide to take that condo anyway, and I can tell him whatever was her choice. The eureka moment for me was letting her have the choice. I have noticed since she has softened considerably.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
I am not trying to convince you one way or the other Pickle but you can't control his mother's choices and you never will.
Her choices have consequences and your job is not to save your W from those consequences.
Her R with your son is hers to destroy. It is not yours to repair either.
Your job is not to damage it by your own hand.
But not to repair it.
Will it traumatize him. Yes. Probably.
What can you do?
Be the best father to him you can.
Pickle I believe you have taken a big step in understanding that you must let your W choose and somehow bring yourself to a peaceful place about it.
The next step? Finding Pickle again. Do that for you and your family.
They need a man who knows who he is and can be there for them.
Your words sound to me more like a beaten man.
Don't confuse letting go with losing.
What in this sitiuation do you control?
How will you choose for those things? For YOU?
I know I sound like a beaten man, perhaps there is some truth in that, because I couldn't prevent the D. There is always the stigma of failure associated with D. But I have achieved the only logical next step, dealing with the D in the best way possible. Emotionally I have reached a point where whatever W does will not cause me rollercoaster pain. Yes, I will have days where the seratonin gets out of balance, but it won't be like it was. S12 is at a critical stage of life, at the threshold of puberty and my will is geared toward him. It is a matter of setting aside the feelings and emotions and asking myself: what is my will?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Not to mind read or anything like that, but repoorting a couple observations.
Yesterday W and I sat at mass together, while S12 sat with the boy scouts (boy scout sunday).
Well for the first time since I've known her, she declined to go up for communion.
The previous (Saturday) afternoon we were talking about something (I don't remember what) and called her honey out of habit (actually over the years I almost never adress her by her name) she said curtly "Don't call me honey."
I can understand all this. Just reporting, not analyzing.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Pickle, There is no right or wrong way, but whatever it is, letting go of the anger always helps. Declining to go to communion - I always observe my H when we go to mass also, and I am sad when I see him growing away from our beliefs, and so I could imagine how you feel about her not going to communion. But at the same time, it is an awareness that she is not doing right by her God.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Well, my outlook has turned around a bit. Two pages ago I posted that no matter what happens we all lose. I was staring at the whole sitch as a lose-lose scenario.
But Since I've left the decision in her court, I look at things differently now.
If she stays it's a "win": for the kids and their household stability and obviously the household finances. I don't care who she's texting or wanting to be with. I'm done with that.
If she moves out, that too is a "win" for me. Though we'll have to run into each other bacause of the kids, I'll be rid of her every evening and every morning and not have to put up with, "Don't call me honey." and all that kinda crap.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
