Habitacker, I think our WAW suffer from very similar problems. My wife used to think I hung the moon. Now, she says I don't even know who I am anymore. Her feelings for me have changed, due to our bad marriage habits, and she is trying to find herself. Unfortunately, she feels she must do this alone. So much alone, that she is going to move out. The only thing that makes my wife happy right now is extreme social behavior. Being out with friends, co-workers. She doesn't drink every time, but she is out late everytime she canbe. this puts a huge amount of stress on me because all indicators point to an affair. But there is no affair. I get very jealous at times. I have to let go, and let her find herself. Let her find her happiness. HER WAY. If I can stay happy and positive in my life, and she can be happy in hers, maybe the good memories, our kids, and the great life we have earned for ourselves will appear to her and she will want to participate.
Wedding anniversary is in August, that would be 12 years.
Valentine's day is the anniversary of us being together, 20 years. Not as important as wedding, but valentines's day has a little more meaning than just valentine's day.
I am not sure if I should do anything, wouldn't that seem pursuing?
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
I've decided that I am going to do something nice for the kids and maybe plan a nice family dinner. Not going to make any specific mention of it to the W, as she knows I've never really liked the "corporate" holiday known as Valentine's Day - and she'd be sure to remind me if do anything for her.
At most I may decide to just get her a simple card, but may just help the girls to make a card for her.
I'm doing so well being detaching and difusing the sitch, that I really don't want to mess it up by doing something she'll perceive as "pursuing".
At the same time I'd love to buy her some flowers, and card and some nice lingerie...but that will have wait for now.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
If you don't mind me saying I think you are putting way to much thought into the DB thing. I look at it more as a guideline not necessarily a one size fits all script that you must follow to the letter, hence the term do what works.
You had a nice convo the other day and she got some stuff off her chest. You felt great and she felt great. I don't know your W but you do.
Would inviting her out to dinner just for the evening be perceived as pursuing? I really would depend on the situation.
Last week my W was having a rough week. I sent her flowers. That is pursuing, I thought I wouldn't hear from her for a week, you know what I got? A 6 hr convo and her on the DB session. It worked.
I am not saying send her a singing telegram hire a clown and juggling monkeys or anything but a nice simple "W would you like to go to dinner on Vday just the two of us" would suffice.
Tough call for me too Habit. I agree with 2Step and think that you need to follow your gut feeling on it. For me, 2 weeks ago I would definitely not be considering doing anything for the day. Now though, I have more to consider. Follow your instincts.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
She keeps showing me she doesn't want me and doesn't care even though she sees me changing, so my focus is detaching making her "believe" that I don't want or need her.
Pursuing in anyway is not working, it doesn't matter whether she expects it or not. Let's make them do some [censored] work for a change.
Sorry guys, I'm frustrated at the moment and don't feel like being optimistic.
BITS SIC
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Hang in there SIC. I completely understand. Continue being patient. It is going to take a while for her to begin to wonder if she is really losing you.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Well guys, I am torn. I want to ask her out, but also afraid of the denial. I do believe I have to take a step sometine though, just like the validation talk. Waiting for her I believe will never happen.
I believe I have the patience to wait for her to come to me with things such as R talk, but the way she keeps things to herself is a big reason we are here in the first place. I am sure I am going to have to take the first step on almost everything, the problem is getting my other foot to follow.
I got burned so bad on my first attempt many months ago, that now I am pretty gun shy, but I believe more experienced.
I thought about asking her if I made reservations for dinner, would she like to go? I want to be prepared with a response if she denies. I thought about just saying, "ok, but I am still going" or "ok" I will find a widow in town that deserves a nice dinner on valentines day".
No matter what her response, I am not going to be home that night. If she wants to stay home and not be happy on v-day, fine. If I am not going to be happy on v-day, I am at least going to try to be.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
