Be the Lighthouse

[grr]

friday and sat are crazy work days for me
but i will catch up tomorrow
i still believe you should follow your instincts, as you know your wife
cautiously and patiently
hope today is a good one

[Cadet]

Denver

I love the name of your thread and was drawn to it naturally.

I am sure you have already read this story but for others that are reading your thread I give you this link to the lighthouse story.



http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...e=64#Post641835

[2stepboogie]

My instinct tells me that she is VERY afraid of trusting her heart to me again.

This is completely true of my W also, I think you know this from following our convo’s, I have to believe this will change with time and consistency on our part. Consistency we control, time we do not.

My instinct tells me that she is afraid that if she changes course and decides to work on M, that her friends will view her as weak and codependent.


This one is my single biggest worry, my W does not like to appear to look weak and in her mind this will make her look like she gave in. In my opinion the opposite is true. To try again or continue to try when everyone would understand it if you gave up is real courage and strength.

I don’t believe she has anyone in her corner saying W maybe you should slow down and think. I believe everyone is very encouraging of her to move forward and live her life. I have you guys who does she turn to when she has doubts or second thoughts, the very people who will tell her to stay the course. At this point the only person in my corner is me.

This is very frustrating and scary.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks Cadet... Yes, I read that when I first found this forum. I cut and pasted it to a journal that I reread every week or so.

Like I said, I think that the whole lighthouse analogy has a calming and hopeful feeling to it. It made me feel better when I first read it.

[Denver_2010]

Seriously 2Step, I think that we are M'd to the same woman. Your description of your W is so dead on for mine as well.

What about your in-laws? What is their take on the sitch? I think that I still have my MIL, SIL, BIL, and FIL in my corner bc they are all soooo against divorce. At the same time though, they will ultimately support what my W decides for herself. And they are also all very aware of how I f'd up during the M.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

If I wait for my W to initiate progress toward reconciliation, I will be waiting for a very long time. My W just isn't the type of person to initiate. Plus, she has always been very insecure about how I feel about her. Just like the other night, when she went in to hug me. I could feel that she was so unsure that I would accept it from her.

So this is my problem. I know that I can't rush things bc I risk pushing her away again. But, at the same time, I also know that I'm going to have to delicately initiate any progress towards reconciliation.

This would be easy if I could read my W's mind. Unfortunately, I can't. I can just go on my instincts. That is what I am doing now.

Still no word from W on whether or not she will accept my invite to watch the SB with me tomorrow. I have a feeling that I won't hear anything until tomorrow afternoon. Yes, I will be disappointed if she declines, but I will be ok. I won't look at it as anything more than it being a little too much too soon for her.

BITS
Denver

[2stepboogie]

Well in that regard you are up on me. My MIL is very sick has been for yrs never really liked the idea of W being with me for several reasons.

1. I was M before and had a daughter and W was her youngest D. I completely understood this.

2. Moved D to Jersey away from her.

SIL

Never really liked the idea of having to be the only person taking care of MIL so for a few years she was not happy about the move either. That is the extent of my W's family. A few years ago MIL and SIL were trying to talk D into leaving me and moving back to OK so she can be closer, it got so bad that my W told them that if they were going to call only to complain about me they should save their minutes and not call her.

They have never accepted the fact that we moved to Jersey and I took the brunt of that. I would argue that they had selfish love. I was raised completely different my happiness was my parent’s happiness. If that meant living in Alaska while they lived in FL they were fine with that. Anytime I talk to my dad who is 90 and lives in FL everything is perfect in his life nothing is wrong. Then I find out through family he is sick or he fell but he never mentions it to me so that I don't worry.

But when W would talk to mother or sister it was "I'm so sick" "I don't understand why you have to live so far" "Why can't you find work closer to home" "It's not fair that I do everything for mom" "You shouldn't be raising someone else D" this crap went on for years.

After awhile it became a source of constant irritation for me. My family always took my W as a daughter, in the immediate family there is about 20 members and they loved W. In my W's family there is mom and sister and that’s it. They live in a town pop 8k where you can't blink without the entire town knowing about it.

I don't know if you see what I'm getting at here; my uphill battle is HUGE!

[Denver_2010]

So something else that I forgot to include in my update from Thursday night's contact with W...

When we were outside of her car at Walmart talking, it somehow came up that W had not called one of my close friend's wife back. W told me that she was nervous about it bc she wasn't sure what my friend's W knew about our sitch. I told her that it was fine that my friend's W would love to hear from her.

Then W told me that she had a very strange dream about 3 of my other very close friends. In the dream, W and I were hanging out (yippy! W including me in dreams!). My 3 close friends were there, but not with us. These friends came up to W and thanked her for NOT talking to them.

W told me that she thinks that the dream has something to do with her concern about what my friends think of her with all that is happening bw us. Specifically, she is concerned bc her sister's husband had told one of my close friends some stuff about W and OM. Stuff that my W says her BIL knows nothing about and makes her R with OM seem to be something that it is not, i.e., an A. In other words, she is concerned that BIL's gossip, that W says is untrue, makes her feel really uncomfortable about what my friends think of her.

Any thoughts on what this conversation means? Why is she telling me this? Why is she having this dream?

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

I do 2Step. That is tough. And I agree. The love that your W's family has for her seems VERY selfish. Saying that she shouldn't be raising someone else's D?? Seriously?? Wow. I'm sorry man. I would have been in a constant state of irritation as well.

This also had to be very tough on your W. How did she feel about the move to Jersey? Was there a part of her that was somewhat glad to get away from MIL and SIL?

BITS
Denver

[2stepboogie]

This also had to be very tough on your W. How did she feel about the move to Jersey? Was there a part of her that was somewhat glad to get away from MIL and SIL?

BITS
Denver

At first yes. She was a little relieved that she no longer had to take care of mother she had been doing this since she was 13 after a bad car accident followed by some major sickness left her very poor of health.

After awhile though she felt some guilt for being so far from home. I admit I did not want to go to OK all that much for vacations so we usually went to the Islands or Vegas Disney things like that. I should of done more to go see her family but I almost felt like a hypocrite because I knew they did not like me all that much. They were always very pleasant to me but I knew the truth. Sometimes W would go to OK to see them for a week or so and always came back feeling like crap. It would take W about a week to level out from the visits.

I did offer to bring mother and sister to stay with us in Jersey many times but they always had some excuse not to come. This last summer my W was bummed out that her sister had never been here so I said "you know what. Just buy the damn ticket and she will have no choice but to come" We did and she came. I took her to NYC showed her around took her to nice restaurants Broadway shows treated her like royalty. W was really happy. In August I had talked to her mom secretly and offered to bring her up here for 6 months to stay with us she promised to get back to me. Two months later W left.

Anyways this is your thread man not mine.