How do you handle other conflicts you have in life? with parents? siblings? co-workers etc?
Is it the same feeling as with H or is it different or do you avoid it all together. Because if it is different then you know you have the capacity to act different. If it is the same you know that these are areas you can practice with. The thing about family is that you know they will never leave you regardless of the conflict.
My family grew up with conflict. So for me I don't really think about it, but it can be a learned response.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
How do you handle other conflicts you have in life? with parents? siblings? co-workers etc?
It's all the same. I get scared when people get angry with me, because there was a lot of anger directed at me when i was little. So I don't like it, it freaks me out, I avoid it, I worry more about how the other person will respond to my request or assertiveness than how I'll feel or deal with it if my need doesn't get met. So when conflict starts, I bail. I have stretches of time since I began counseling when I do assert myself and communicated my way through it successfully. But it's still the exception, not the rule.
But I guess I've been much too impatient with myself though. There's a step between being completely passive, and being able to assert yourself in the moment. And that step is just recognizing, after the conflict, what happened, what you could have said, and then revisiting it with the person afterwards and expressing myself. Once I learned that it took a lot of pressure off. It's ok to be where I am right now. I don't have to beat myself up if I'm not able to be assertive in the moment. It will happen as long as I'm doing the exercises I need to do to learn how.
Originally Posted By: Harrier
The thing about family is that you know they will never leave you regardless of the conflict.
Well... some do some don't. At it's worst in my family, my mom told me she didn't want to see me for a while because she felt it wasn't healthy for HER to be around ME. I was 18 at the time. And she was full of sh*t. My therapist is working to help me wrap my brain around the fact that she was abusive to me.
Originally Posted By: Harrier
My family grew up with conflict. So for me I don't really think about it
I apologize if I'm being impertinent, but you know, I think that although you don't think about, from your posts it sounds like you've been influenced by it a lot. I think that's why, although you're feeling so hurt and angry by some of the things your wife is doing, you're not letting her know and asking for the treatment and behavior you'd prefer (eg, going for lunches). Thoughts? I'm a pretty analytical person, so if I'm off base feel free to say!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Ha. I just realized I asked and answered my own question. Or rather, my IC did (bless her heart). My original question on this thread was...
Originally Posted By: FindingMyVoice
However, the area where I still fail is a doosie. I STILL can't (won't?) stay present, functioning and communicating through conflict...
What the heck does one do to keep your feet nailed to the floor, your brain working; your voice speaking and just stay there until you work thought it?
The answer is... I can't. I'm simply not there yet. And it's ok. I won't worry about it when I con't. I haven't learned what I need to yet, in order to achieve it. BUT I've got my homework now that will get me there!! So, yes, CL! NOW I have faith I can do it!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
A few things. I'm sure your IC might have suggested this. Is there any way to practice this with someone who you trust? One other idea is that has helped me is rehearsing what I'm going to say. (usually while I'm driving by myself) That way I can feel more relaxed saying and then focus on the response. It's might help.
I hesitated bringing up the family thing because life is different. Of course, I get burned by it. BTW, my dad didn't' talk to me for more than 10 years and didn't come to my wedding because it was the first day of hunting season. He couldn't even tell me face to face.
As far as the family conflict, let me clarify. In my family, I have no qualms, reservations about letting me needs known. In our family we are pretty darn open and if someone was p*ssing us off we'd let them know. So there were a lot of confrontations, but nothing too harmful. And for the vast majority of my marriage I had NO problems about expressing my needs (I think my biggest problem was HOW I did it) However, in light of recent events I've kinda treaded more lightly for some reason. I think fear is really taking control.
Even now I still am able to talk to my wife about lots of things. Two examples (a big one and a small one). When my W and I had been sleeping in separate rooms for about 6 weeks. I went to her one night and said that I didn't like the sleeping arrangements and I would prefer to sleep in the same bed. She got a little mad and we talked. A week or so later she said she'd given it some thought and thought we should sleep in the same bed...and we have ever since. #2 My W and I used to carpool 1-2 day/week before the bomb, it was convenient and we both like the extra time we got to spend together. But since then we haven't. On Monday night, I said to "What do you think about starting to carpool again." Pretty open ended. She was open to the idea and suggested we start the next morning. These aren't the only 2. I'm getting better, but I don't want you to get the idea that I just stew about things.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
FMV,A few things. I'm sure your IC might have suggested this. Is there any way to practice this with someone who you trust?
Really? IDK I'd feel so silly!! But I like your idea about practicing while driving. I do a lot of thinking while I drive, so might as well do it out loud.
Originally Posted By: Harrier
I hesitated bringing up the family thing because life is different. Of course, I get burned by it.
Oh no worries, and I didn't mean to 'burn' you!! It's actually good for me to talk about it; get used to hearing myself acknowledge that I was treated badly and that the mistreatment wasn't my fault. So any kind of talk about it is good practice. Thanks for bringing it up. Wow. Your dad didn't come to your wedding. Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that. Do you talk now? If so it must have been a doosie of a first conv.
Originally Posted By: Harrier
And for the vast majority of my marriage I had NO problems about expressing my needs (I think my biggest problem was HOW I did it) However, in light of recent events I've kinda treaded more lightly for some reason. I think fear is really taking control.
Well I'm certainly glad to hear you don't stew like me! But isn't that something. How so many issues come down to how and/or if we express our needs.
Your examples are fascinating - how you asked for what you wanted, then just weathered and waited out for the response instead of letting the fear of what it 'might be' stop you from even making the request gives me a lot of inspiration. Wow - like, how do you do it? What do you tell yourself right before to get yourself in there? Doesn't your heart race? My knees and hands even shake!!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Note to self. My life's most important goal has been to become a full-time professional artist (I'm just part-time - barely even that right now, actually - now). My good friend was asking questions about that today and I realized it's been months since working on it had even crossed my mind. I haven't even been in my studio since well before Christmas.
How easily I let myself caught up in M stuff and FOO stuff, and forget about myself... again. I'd be interested to see... - if I let the M take care of itself for a while - gave up feeling like I had sole responsibility for keeping it 'on track' - AND gave up feeling so responsible for making sense of my non-sensible relationship with my parents...
Just tossed all that crap out there to the universe or what/whoever is out there to take care of these things and instead, focused on me and that goal. Just for a few months, like an experiment. Do what it takes to get this career and my ambitions lifted again... I wonder what would happen to all the M and FOO issues. Would they kick up a stink and clamber for attention, now that they're not the sole focus of my life? Perhaps. Like Harriet Lerner's work says, For ever 'Move' I take, there'll be a 'Counter Move' by the other party.
But wouldn't it be great if instead I was so focussed, so excited about where I was taking my life I wouldn't be so bothered by any possible resulting tantrums from the peanut gallery?
And wouldn't it be great if that focus allowed me to feel centered and peaceful and in control of my own life. So good, that instead of reacting to any resulting conflict with fear and withdrawal, like I usually do, I'd find a new way to react. One I can't even imagine yet. A way that kept me in the present, responding with love, respect and integrity BUT without withdrawing into passivity and relinquishing my focus yet again.
I think I'll try it. Just an experiment. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but wouldn't it be wonderful.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
- if I let the M take care of itself for a while - gave up feeling like I had sole responsibility for keeping it 'on track' Just for a few months, like an experiment. Do what it takes to get this career and my ambitions lifted again... I wonder what would happen to all the M and FOO issues.
But wouldn't it be great if instead I was so focussed, so excited about where I was taking my life I wouldn't be so bothered by any possible resulting tantrums from the peanut gallery?
Lead the way, and tell us about your journey.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL, and thanks again for your encouragement. Had such a lightbulb moment yesterday, I'm thinking I must be on the right track. Was listening to Harriet Lerner's 'Dance of Deception' and one section was like a thunderbolt to me:
I'm paraphrasing here, but the gist of it was that NOT being fully open and honest with our deepest thoughts and feelings in our intimate relationships doesn't just block possibilities for deeper intimacy, healing and resolution. It also blocks the possibility for SELF ACCEPTANCE.
All of the sudden so many things fell into place for me. THAT'S why my IC has been encouraging me so much to continue opening up, experience and share my thoughts and feelings more fully with H, family, friends - whether they respond positively or 'in kind' or not.
Most fundamentally, she's trying to get me to the highest level of self acceptance I can reach. It's there that I'll be have that focus, and be so excited with where my life is going that the external responses just won't affect me so much if they try to divert me from my path. And I think, it's there that the intimacy, healing and resolution will be easier to maintain.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
