When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[MichelleLT]

Oooh! Those are brilliant Ali! You have inspired me to order a bottle of my fav perfume!

[mishka422]

You are absolutely right! Dang it! This is my darned life and I can live it however I want no matter what he does or says!!! CRUD! That flu really dragged me into the gutter didn't it?

Yes, I have slipped into some ruts again. Got comfortable with the situation and have been accepting it for what it is. Well, it's not acceptable! Either he treats me like a woman he wants to have a R with or he's going to have to hit the road. I'm tired of feeling like the old dog he threw out and begging for scraps.

I have been able to start exercising again (my foot is so much better) and I've been seriously monitoring everything I eat through weight watchers and a buddy system. I haven't lost much yet but every pound counts!

I just bought new perfume and lotion. Totally different scent for me.

I need to have my hair cut and colored. Just waiting for the funds to have it done properly. Getting there.

As far as going out with friends, I'm working on that for this weekend. We were talking karaoke on Saturday night if one of them gets back from her side job early enough. We'll see. I'll work harder on that one.

I've been trying to schedule 'date night' with him for months now but he works 7 days a week always until 11pm. I've asked him to take one Friday or Saturday night off per month if he can so we can do things together. He hasn't done it yet so that just goes to show you where on his priority list I am. It stinks!

Confidence is a huge problem for me, as you all know. It's a super big struggle that overwhelms me and I give up on the whole idea.

Thank you all so much for talking me down from it. I really do need to have a talk with Gabe about all of this, there just never seems to be a good time.

[kat727]

I would let Gabe know that it is important for you that he take that one night off and why. Some guys might just see the whole situation as we need the money and not see the value of taking the time away from work.

I told myself when I get married again I am going to really work on communication. It isn't that we didn't talk but things that obviously didn't get said or (get the point here Mish)he thought he already knew my reactions or answer, so he didn't bother to bring it up. Sounds familiar huh? Ex was basing his thought to what I might say off of something I might have said previously. Well people do grow you know. If they didn't what would be the point?

hugs, kat

[MichelleLT]

Inches matter more than pouds in weight loss anyways. As long as you feel like you are making progress and are feeling good, that's all that matters. I'm so glad your foot is feeling better! Try and do a bit of weight-lifting or use those stretchy bands or a medicine ball to add some variety to your routine and give your foot a break some days. Weight-lifting or anything like it is a great metabolism booster, and lean muscle mass burns more calories even when you're not doing anything. (Ironically that's why guys are often more successful at weight loss than women, they hit the weights while we tend to try to start a cardio program)

Glad you are feeling better. It's always so hard when you're sick on top of everything else.

With the date night thing, it might not be that he's really trying to convey that you are a low priority. I'm sure he's working as much as he is to try and provide for you and Marc, that's a very typical male way to try and show care. So asking him to take time off conflicts with his desire to provide for you, even though you are asking for something that would help your R. It's a bit of a rock and a hard place perhaps from his perspective. He may just need to hear how important it is. "Gabe, I really like spending time with you / doing X / whatever. I would really like to have time where the two of us can spend time together without Marc or any other distractions and just have fun, but I appreciate how hard you work too. Can you take just one night off a month?" Or some such.

As for timing these conversations, I'd try for a time when he is the least stressed from work. Maybe after you guys have ML and are both feeling good about the R? Seems to me most guys would be more relaxed / least threatened by a talk after sex lol.

[whatisis]

I really do need to have a talk with Gabe about all of this, there just never seems to be a good time.

I'd go with a night after 11:00 pm. Hey, go surprise him one night with a homemade dinner at work for his dinner break! Part of your history with Gabe is that you keep talking/asking and he doesn't respond. So, in good ole DB fashion, TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT! Just a thought.
Btw, GO PACK!!!!!

[mishka422]

Well miracle of all miracles....Gabe took tonight off. I think we are going to take Marc bowling and to dinner or a movie. It's a family outing, no alone time, but at least it's out ad together.

There is no hurry to figure all of this out, but the more days I sit languishing the worse I feel. I get very determined to change my life up and then I have second thoughts about it and get scared and don't do it.

The worst time of day for me is in the morning when I am getting ready for work. I don't like having to look in the mirror so it turns into the self-loathing inner talk for 20 minutes while I dry my hair and put on makeup. Even though I have arguments in my head telling myself I'm being ridiculous, the self-loathing side wins. That is when I cycle down again to being scared and sad. I know what is happening, I just can't seem to find a way to stop it entirely. Positive self-talk is something I've tried to practice but I feel ridiculous and like I'm a total liar to myself! The positive things seem so unreal and sound so stupid that I can't bring myself to even say or write them.

That's really, really sick isn't it? There is no winning that battle. I've worked hard for 3 years on it but no go.

Something I was thinking about this morning though really has me wondering if it's just me or if anyone else has this thought.

Why does anyone put any faith in another person? There is no reason for anyone to be honest or faithful let alone actually stay with someone for life. So, why do we expect that when someone makes a vow they will honor it? We are just setting ourselves up for this pain aren't we?

I know it sounds cynical, I'm just randomly putting this out there for comment. We are all capable of blowing sunshine but I really want the REAL opinion on this, not some happy, happy, joy, joy version of it. Know what I mean? Nitty Gritty time.

The whole reason I was thinking about this in the first place was because I was contemplating how to approach the subject of this semi-relationship that Gabe and I have going on. There is no definition to it so in my opinion he can just walk whenever he wants without any remorse or guilt feelings. But then again, he did that when we were married for 14 years too so WTH s the difference really? No one is to be trusted or relied upon no matter how committed they may seem. It could possibly all be an act and there is no way to know.

See........all messed up but really think it's a valid point.

[kat727]

You do realize that of course you could up and leave at any time too. What sort of guarnatee does Gabe have that you won't kick him out, or leave yourself?

Before we got married I would say most of us were naive and just knew that this was forever and that divorce could never happen to us as we were so in love. The reality is that you maybe don't really know what hand you have been dealt at least for a few years. Afterall you don't just automatically know how to live with another person. There are two different ways of being brought up being melded and sometimes they don't fit so well. We each have our own personal baggage as well. So it is amazing that we dare to take a chance at all.

It is so easy when your spouse cheats to say that you were the one that has been right all along and not to look at your own faults and weaknesses. Somewhere for some reason, we made mistakes too and maybe we didn't hear what our spouses had been saying. I never condone affairs or abandonment, but I do think we need to not place all the fault of the marriage on the other person.

I have faith in MYSELF that I have faced a lot of my own demons and can make a much better relationship the next time around. I have to boogie to lunch but I hope that helps.

kat

[MichelleLT]

Well miracle of all miracles....Gabe took tonight off. I think we are going to take Marc bowling and to dinner or a movie. It's a family outing, no alone time, but at least it's out ad together.

Hey hey! It's a great start! Proof that he often hears you, but doesn't act right away.

I don't like having to look in the mirror so it turns into the self-loathing inner talk for 20 minutes while I dry my hair and put on makeup. Even though I have arguments in my head telling myself I'm being ridiculous, the self-loathing side wins. That is when I cycle down again to being scared and sad. I know what is happening, I just can't seem to find a way to stop it entirely.

I know you say you can't believe things that are written, but maybe if you don't go to the other extreme with the positive self- talk it'll seem more believable to you? E.g. instead of putting a note on the mirror that says "I am unbelievably beautiful" put something like "Just because I'm not a model doesn't make me worthless". I dunno. Just tyring to brainstorm.

Also, is there a way you can change up that part of your routine? Use a small mirror or just a compact instead of standing in front of the big mirror? Blow dry your hair in another room? Just change it up, try and break out of that bad cycle.

I've worked hard for 3 years on it but no go.

So far. That doesn't mean you can't change it. Just means you haven't completely succeeded YET.

Why does anyone put any faith in another person? There is no reason for anyone to be honest or faithful let alone actually stay with someone for life. So, why do we expect that when someone makes a vow they will honor it? We are just setting ourselves up for this pain aren't we?

Why have you stayed with Gabe your whole adult life and been honest and faithful then??? Yes, there are people out there who will cut and run. Yes, there are people out there who will cheat. Mostly, they are the same people. And a lot of them never learn. But people CAN change.

Why give someone another chance? Cuz you take the same risk with a new person. It's always a risk. But there are people out there who will stay and be faithful. Just look at how long Jeff and hiw XW were living in separate rooms, and he didn't cheat on her, nor did she cheat on him. Proof that it can be done.

Guess that means we all just picked shitty XHs LOL. Seriously though, Gabe was there for you for a LOT of years before all this crap, and now he's back in your life. That does mean something.

It means that when they cheat and/or cut and run they are in a bad place. They are depressed and hopeless and beyond frustrated.

Marriage is just a piece of paper unless you BELIEVE it's more. Unless there is an underlying commitment there. You can have that commitment without the marriage, and you can have the marriage without the commitment. It's all a risk.

It could possibly all be an act and there is no way to know.

Sure there is, their actions. They either bail or they don't.

[whatisis]

I really do need to have a talk with Gabe about all of this, there just never seems to be a good time.

Btw, GO PACK!!!!!

Um, you realize I was talking football, right?

[mishka422]

WII - There was never any doubt you meant football! GO PACK GO!!!!

Kat - See, that's just it. When Gabe cheated and left I was angry and blaming him. Then, once I started examining myself it shifted from blaming him to blaming myself entirely. I don't entirely blame myself anymore but I'm constantly in panic mode that I'm going to do something wrong and he'll go running again. It's a viscous mess in my head!!!

Michelle - You are such a brainstormer!!!!! I don't write things to stick on my mirror, I have a journal I'm supposed to write positive thoughts in. I can't compliment myself for things or take compliments from others because they seem like lies to me. You are right, I haven't been able to conquer it yet. Who knows, maybe it will just click someday. One can hope, right?

Marriage is just a piece of paper unless you BELIEVE it's more. Unless there is an underlying commitment there. You can have that commitment without the marriage, and you can have the marriage without the commitment. It's all a risk.

You're definitely right on there. You have to BELIEVE and I don't think I believe in forever anymore. I believe in not taking the risk because it's too painful to fail. Nearly dying from heartbreak and pain taught me to be very tentative in my relationships with all other people, not just Gabe. It's a hard lesson to unlearn even if only partially!