fig! I love what you posted. I am still sorting through things but you are right about choices. I have to give it some time but I won't get emotionally beat up like last time. I have what I learned on DB and what I will and will not tolerate.
There are times when I ask myself why the he11 am I doing this again. Because I love my H. I will wait and see what happens, it's all in God hands. Meanwhile, I will go about my business of living!
Let me please clarify something to all of you because it seems that there is some misunderstanding about my opinion on YR's marriage. I would never suggest to anyone that they not try and save a marriage, I am pro marriage 110%. I did not imply nor state that she should not do what she feels in her heart. I get that.
BUT.... we know there is always a big but with me
Battling through a MLC is a very tough situation. It takes courage and strength beyond what is normal and tolerated in society today. Remember we are living in a time of disposable marriages, as sad as it is to say, it is the truth.
We come here and we try to find support as we wage this incredibly hard battle. We cry, we get angry, we get depressed, we give up (sometimes many times), we gain courage, we learn about ourselves, we see the symphonic humor in the bizzarre, we doubt ourselves, we hurt so badly we just want the pain to stop, and we heal.
Yellow has been through all of these emotions and probably many that I have failed to mention. This place also is designed for just that, helping people through these tough times. I however am a realist and understand that what people who post on here are going to tell yellow is based on someone taking on this journey for the first time. It is simply not the same the second time around. We are armed with knowledge. Knowledge can be dangerous if not properly maintained and understood.
Here are some realities about what we do when we deal with MLC the first time:
[list] [*]we set boundaries that are tough, but still allow us to view our marriages coming back together.
[*]we allow ourselves to be treated in a manner which later we view as insane and in a way we lose a little bit of our pride because we allowed that to happen.
[*]Those who survive the MLC still struggle sometimes with the same trust issues that those of us who do not succeed struggle with.
[*]We take an inflated amount of the blame for the failure of our marriage and become the kings and queens of hindsight.
I will stop there because my point can be made without having to write a dissertation on what we go through. When you climb the mountain and you reach the pinnacle you do not necessarily want to go through what you had to go through the same way again. You are now armed with experience and knowledge that will help you make your climb more efficiently.
Yellowrose, you know when to say when. You know what you fealt after it came back together and what you didnt. You also know which parts of the climb you want to forgoe. I want to make it very clear to you that my point to you in all of what I have posted is simply this; Once you have done this one time and faught that battle, you do not have to fight it again questioning if you failed or gave up! You also have to be smart enough to know that what hurt you (and by hurt you I mean caused permanent scars or damage) the first time and avoid those sacrifices that caused you regret later on. You know what those were.
People all over the world use the expression " would I do it all again, you bet, I may just do some things a little differently". YR, think about what you would do differently and stand firm on those ideals. For what its worth, my big thing with you is simply not wanting you to feel the same hurts and pains that you could have avoided the first time. While I know you are stronger now and doing good, you and I both know that there are those inner thoughts that we have that we simply swallow and try not to let anyone else see, they suck.
Sorry if I was long winded here YR, I do not really post anymore, I just saw your sitch, and know its different and needs different than what you sometimes get here.
I love reading your posts!! I never even thought that you suggested that about my M. You are right this journey isn't the same the second time around. I was a complete mess the first time and learned alot. I went to C to help me to work through all of my emotions and yes, even anger.
My life is different now. I know how much I can handle and what I will and will not put up with.
My H is still coming home every night, but that doesn't mean that it couldn't change in a heartbeat. He eats dinner with me watches TV and sleeps on the couch. He has to figure this out on his own and does know that I will be here but won't live like this forever. I have told him this. I deserve to be happy and to have someone that loves me unconditionally.
I am watching and listening and preparing myself for whatever comes down the pike.
As a relative noob, far be it for me to make some sort of commentary on DB the second go 'round ...
I do have some thoughts I'd like to share though ...
In the beginning, the hardest thing to wrap our heads around is proper and personal boundaries. We are terrified. We make empty threats and ultimatums. We let them treat us poorly. We set boundaries to try to manipulate or coerce some sort of behaviour from our MLCers. But, with time, if we do the work, we learn what healthy boundaries look like. We learn that they are for US and about US. They are not to punish or manipulate. If we do the work, we save ourselves. And then, if we're really patient, the stars align and the timelines coincide ... we might even reconcile with our spouses.
For whatever reason ... unfinished MLC, forgotten DB and a return to old ways and habits on either Ss part ... sometimes we face this war for the second time. This time you don't enter the field unarmed and green though. You are no longer that freckle faced, right out high-school, yearning to prove something cadet. You are wise and you've won your share of battles. IMO, if you've done the work, you take no prisoners. You are loving and detached and compassionate. But especially compassionate to yourself. You don't need to be initiated.
I believe in DB, as a lifestyle not a tactic. I believe in marriage even though mine has not been restored and I no longer stand. I believe in unconditional love but not unconditional marriage, and I believe in honouring oneself and one's worth.
I haven't been there, but what I hear Ian saying makes perfect sense to me. I won't go into details about my sitch, but I do consider myself a personal success story. I am ever learning and growing, and I take responsibility for my life.
Good luck to you YR, you've been an inspiration to many... Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Thank you for the wonderful post. That is why I love coming here, everyone helps so much. I cherish each and everyone of you. I have been where you all are and feel your pain. It does get better.......unless you go through it the second time!!! LOL Just kidding on that one!!!!
Thank you for the wonderful post. That is why I love coming here, everyone helps so much. I cherish each and everyone of you. I have been where you all are and feel your pain. It does get better.......unless you go through it the second time!!! LOL Just kidding on that one!!!!
Y
If you feel like some light reading sometime then have a glance at my threads ... I'm in a fantastic place, I feel great and live my life with gratitude everyday. I am very blessed
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
... you are calling me on semantics??? Hey, at least I spelled it correctly and didn't leave out any words