Need Insight V

[ironMan]

You could do your own procedure......jus sayin

LMAO! LOL


Pickle .... sometimes I am finding that I need to be quiet for awhile and just work thru my thoughts to find what I think is the right next step. We're here for you as you figure that out!

[InAPickle]

I was in the chapel again last night,
complaining to God about the sitch, W and everything else.

And I felt Him say to me "There is progress which you cannot see, that only I see."

But that could mean anything between miraculous scales dropping from her eyes tomorrow to many, many years of being divorced.

So, I've got that going for me.

[Truegritter]

There is progress which you cannot see, that only I see."

My take on this Pickle? Stop watching. Stop looking.

Let go and let God.

But that could mean anything between miraculous scales dropping from her eyes tomorrow to many, many years of being divorced.

Or flying blue donkeys that fart rainbows...

You are right your W is not the person you married right now.

She is lost and she is searching for happiness in empty and hollow places.

Don't follow her there.

Let her walk there on her own. As you have walked through this process so far on your own.

And what have you gained so far?

Would you rather she come back to the family out of guilt for the children or destroying the family

or

Because she has completed a maturing process that we all have to make ...

It is tougher for some than others.

You are in your own process of this. Your own journey.

The progress you may not see may be things you are not looking at in yourself.

Can your love for your W encompass letting her go right now?

Without anger or resentment?

When you cease to look at yourself as a victim of bad behavior or choices...

The true power-courage, integrity, dignity within you can come forth.

You have been here long enough and you have words and the knowledge to do this.

So

As it was put to me once when I was stuck:

You know how to do this.

So stop f@cking around and do it.

[ScaredinCanada]

I've never understood the line "If you love them, then let them go."

My W has actually said this too me a few times, and can never think of an answer that doesn't compound the issues.

IF I love her, why the heck would "I want" to let her go?!?!

I understand part of it is, that I really don't have a choice in what SHE does and I certainly don't want to just guilt her into staying. Also, the thought that if you let "it" go then possibly the freedom will ultimately result in "it" finding it's way back to you.

I honestly hope I NEVER hear that saying again...the quote is atributed to some Doug Horton but I can't seem to find anything about him.

Anyways, just something that's bothered me.

[sandi2]

I don't know where it started. I thought it went something like "If you love something, then set it free....and if it comes back, then you'll know it really loves you".

I think the concept is giving up control over that which you love. We can't make somebody love us.

[InAPickle]

Can your love for your W encompass letting her go right now?

Without anger or resentment?

Brutally honestly.....

Actually, I would have anger and resentment if she stayed and continued her EA.

And I'll probably also have anger and resentment if she goes and takes her income and my child support with her.

The second scenario is of course the lesser of two evils.

In order for me to give her what she wants (out of the M and out of the cage) she has to get away from me, not just legally, but physically.

[angel61]

Knowing all these concepts and applying them are two different things. Yes, we know we have to detach. We know we can't control, we know we shouldn't pursue. WE know we have to let go.

How do we get to the point of actually doing it?

[Denver_2010]

I don't think that this is what TrueGritter is talking about. He is talking about learning what unconditional love is. Please correct me if I'm wrong Grit.

The way that I look at it is this. We love our children even though they sometimes throw fits, don't listen to us, make poor choices, get into trouble, and sometimes disappoint us bc they don't do what WE want them to do. We love them unconditionally.

The question is, do we love our spouses in the same way?

Do we love them only when they choose to love us back?

Do we love them only when they choose actions that we agree with or that also make US happy?

I struggle with this too. And if my W and I don't reconcile and she moves on with her life, there will be anger and resentment on my part. But those are personal and selfish emotions. Nothing wrong with having them, but let's call them what they are. They will pass eventually. And eventually, I will be able to recognize the love that I still have for my W. It won't be an 'in love' type of love if that makes sense. But I will still love her and wish her all the happiness in the world.

This is a true giving of love... I know that it is how I wish to be loved, so why not choose to give that kind of love?

BITS
Denver

[Mach1]

I think you got it D........

[angel61]

Another POV....and I will also use children here as an example.

When you love a child, even if it hurts, you have to let them go so that they can learn. Hovering over them, protecting them, controlling them will not make them grow into mature adults who can survive in this world.

In many ways our WAS are like children, so we have to let them go, set them free to find themselves. If they find their true selves, and we are part of them, as we all believe we are, they will come back.