2 years later it's still not getting easier

[whitneypinch]

Hi YOH,

Thanks for the reply.
Ya, my X replied to me with (((me))). That is her giving me a hug.

Honestly, I really think all my X is interested in is "smoothing things out" between us. I don't believe she has any interest in me at all.
Last night there was a whole bunch of back and forth between us about cute kids stories.
I will tell you I go between feeling good about her to hating her that she does NOTHING to help our family get back together.

I kick myself for contacting her and opening the door for her.

Anyway, I will try to just get back to only replying in a warm way to her contact.

Ya, I hear you about us always thinking the worst when it comes to what we assume our spouses are doing.

Hope today is great for everyone else around here too.
It's a snow day so I get my kids early today ! Yeh !

[christienick]

the moral is - he had a great life - even if for only 30 seconds - when he finally realized he would have a better life without her.

[christienick]

unfortunately, years of hurt, not appeared to have moved on, but actually in your heart moved on - then its too late for them..

[Augtan]

Whitney, how are you doing?

I have been trying to stay away from the boards for awhile, as it seems to suck me back in and leave me feeling worse sometimes. But, I had to come on here and tell what has been happeneing the last week.

XH is very mad at me, and isn't talking to me. Which is fine, he has a right to be (long story), but I have apologized and he owes me forgivness cause even though I was wrong it comes no where near to what he has done to me and I have forgiven him, so I have been letting him process things on his own like I should, keeping busy with school, work and the three kids I am raising alone!! I forsure have my moments of bitterness about what he has done and chosen for all of us, but I continue to let it go cause it is the past and nothing I can do about it.

So, last night..D11 comes down stairs crying and saying that she finally told XH all she has wanted to say to him. I asked her what that was and she said... she asked him over and over why he did this to us, told him how unfair it all is and that she doesn't understand how he could do it and that if he really loved her he would have thought about her before he did it (have an affiar and leave us). He never really answered her directly just said "your mom and I couldn't get along" to which she promptly told him was bulls*it! He then said he would "explain" when she was older why he did it" and she told him she was older and wanted an explaination!! He didn't give her one, then told her he was proud of her for sharing how she felt, that he knew she had wanted to tell him for years. She asked him if he would move here and he gave more excuses for not doing that too. Why can't this man step up and be a man?? Why can't he just say there is no excuse, there is no explaination, I made a mistake and I am very sorry for it?? Why can't he just tell her that he should have thought of her and tried harder to make it work? What a coward and a liar and a wimp!! In the past he has even told her that I divorced him and that he didn't want the divorce!! WOW!! That is the furthest from the truth! He told me he was very happy in our marriage 2 months before he started the affair, he is having a classic MLC, alien take over, jeckle to hyde..all of it!!

Anyway, he put on his facebook today:

"I see the angels and demons in my rear view mirror..... Looking forward to the road ahead."

What the heck does that mean? Why would you want to see your angels in the rear view mirror?? Aren't they good for you and suspose to help you? I just don't get him! Does he think because she told him all that that everything is fine and he is able to just move on leaving it all behind him and not caring yet again about the destruction he has caused? Does he really believe his road ahead will be good when he has done nothing to change himself or acknowledge anything he has done to the people who loved him the most? I wish he would ride off into the sunset, never to be seen again...execpt I need money from him...so...I am just so sick of it all!! He has done such awful things and all the consequences are mine and my kids..he seems to have none!

A

[whitneypinch]

Augtan,

I am sooo sorry to hear that you and your daughter are struggling.
I am from divorce myself. My mom separated from my father and he just took off for years. Then I would only see him a few times a year. I carried resentment around for a long time. When I got divorced my father basically said "oh, well". Boy did I lay into him. I let him know exactly what I felt from all the years.

I am glad your daughter "got it out". There is nothing worse than to let emotions fester.
Sadly, you XH is never going to tell your daughter or you that he should have tried harder. That would be a admittance that he was at fault. We all know that our Xs will never do that, especially if the are in a MLC.
My X actually said she was sorry and always would be.

Of course it's classic MLC for them to rewrite history to make us out as the bad guy. I too have experienced that with my X.

2x4 coming......get off Facebook. At least remove him as a friend. I did that in the first weeks of my separation as it was just too painful to see.

Unfortunately our Xs do think it's all going to be good moving forward. It's their selfish thinking.

I have been really good and have not contacted my X. She has contacted me but just about kid stuff. I am noticing that when she does contact me now she seems agitated at me. Good !! Go and stew in it.

I dropped off some gifts for my kids last night while they were out. I even gave my X a beautiful candid photo I took of the kids. I had it blow-up to 24" x 20". I even made the Oak frame for it. Last night the kids video Skyped me and my X came on the screen and said "thanks, it's a nice picture". That's it, that is all she said.
I continue to say to myself "you did a nice thing and who cares what she said". It's who I want to be.

I stopped by my kids school tonight to say hi and I gave my 8 year old daughter 3 roses.

I too have been laying low on the boards. By constantly talking about it, it gives it energy.

I think today was very hard on all us LBSs.

I am alone tonight so I am going to go to my favorit place and sit at the bar and have dinner and a nice microbrewery beer.

Tomorrow will be better day for all of us.

[whitneypinch]

Do you ever have one of those days when you wake up on the really wrong end of the emotional roller coaster ride?
I am having that day !

Yesterday, I was with my XW at our kid's school. Each one of my 2 kids did a half an hour presentation to us on their school projects.
As I sat there it felt like I was in the Twilight Zone.
Here we were 2 parents together with our children yet she had no connection to me at all.
My XW sat there drinking tea from a travel mug with a photo of my 2 kids and their 2 dogs. Just seeing that was like getting a knife in my heart.

At the end of my 6 year old son's presentation I got up. My XW started to read her emails on her phone (that is so upsetting to me). I said bye to her but she was too focussed on her emails.
I started to walk away holding my son's hand and my X said bye.

I see my kids tonight and then they leave for a 2 week trip with my X to Africa. A trip I have done with her a few times. A trip that I always dreamed of doing with her and our kids.

Today I am heartbroken.
How could I have a marriage and a family with this person and then one day she just got up and left. I honestly thought she would start to snap out of her fog but as time slips by it appears that that is never going to happen.

Just having a really bad day today.

[Augtan]

Whitney..I am soooo sorry!! I totally understand the twilight thing!! I even said to XH "don't you sometimes feel like you are in a twilight zone...cause we had such a normal life before and now it is like this" He said "I don't really think about it" But that was a long time ago, now I think he gets it, kinda.

I wish the feeling of heartbreak would just end. I pray each and everyday and that is all that helps me, and not as much as I wish it did.

Africa?? How can your kids miss two weeks of school? Wow!! That is nuts, I can't imagine my kids doing that kind of thing with out me. I would be so upset too.

I am thinking of you and praying for you! Try to keep busy, that is all I can think to tell you to do. Sending you hugs!!

((Whitney))

A

[whitneypinch]

Thanks so much for just letting me vent. I appreciate the kindness.

There really is no one else I can tell this stuff to.
No one would understand.

My kids are in SK and grade 2 so it's not too bad that they miss that much school.

My little girl had lots of tears tonight at bedtime over being away for 2 weeks.

What can I do ........ nothing..... it is what it is.

[Augtan]

Whitney-

How are you doing with the kids being gone? Hope you are keeping busy! Just wanted to update on my sitch...Let me know how you are too!!

I posted this on MLC board, and got no response, I am kinda over that board, no one ever really responds to me...I don't know why..But, I wanted to post it here and see what you think...

Just wanted to journal an update on my situation with XH...

He is still without a job, but is close, has a few offers coming in this next week and still interviewing. We have talked a lot about us all moving to where ever he gets a job or even back to the city we lived in but to a totally different part, at least 50 miles away from where we were...long story why..but I will not go back to where we were, it isn't a good place for me or my kids.

Last night when we talked, I said "we need to be in the same place for the kids" XH said "the same place?", I said "same town" he said "same place and same town aren't the same" I didn't say anythinig, just moved on, but could tell he wanted no part of living togethter in this new town...so that made me sad, but I know that is not at all where he is with "us" right now anyway, so not a shock.

Then we talked about S15 who doesn't want to move at all and XH said "D15 will be fine, even if he doesn't want to admit it, he needs me and I need him (his voice was kinda cracking and he was choked up)" I said "you need us too, we need you, I need you..not like that but to help me with the kids" XH said "you need me to (insert sexual reference)" I said "oh that too, but we all need each other" We both laughted.

As many know, XH and I have never stopped ML for very long thru all of this. I read all of the posts by "Butterfly" and her H and their restored relationship and dont' think this is as bad as I previously thought, her H said it did keep them connected and that he thought it was part of why he did come home...so I am not going to beat myself up about continuing to ML with XH when he is up here.

I am not sure what is going to happen, but I don't want to be back together with him on only that level when we live in the same town and him think he can just date and stuff right in front of me all while we are MLing on a regualr basis, it is different since we live 700 miles apart now. but if we are in the same town, I will have to be strong and cross that bridge when it comes. I will not give him any ultimatiums such as "we have to be together if I move to where you live" or anything like that, I am moving there for our kids to have their father in their lives.

I want to handle this all very carfully and make sure I do it as best I can and not push him away. I want to be his friend, but I don't want to be those people who say "oh, we are divorced and great friends, we get along better this way, we can't be married, we can't live together but are great friends apart...etc." I hate when people say that, it might be true for some people, but those people aren't attracted to each other anymore or something. I don't want to pressure him, I want it to be totally him who comes to me and says he wants to try to work things out and be a family again. I don't think it will be good or right if he does it cause it is what "falls into place" or because of finances or whatever the reason..I want him to want it so bad that he is willing to do whatever it takes...is that wrong? Is that only wishful thinking and that never happenes with and MLCer? I don't have any expectations really at all of this happening, and I guess that is why I set it so high, cause I really feel it isn't in him to do that. Because when we live in the same town he will get to see the kids as much as he wants, and I think that is a good thing, cause the kids need him in their life, but I am afraid he will be satisfied with just that and not feel the need to come home to me. Does that make sense? I will have to have very strong boundries and not fall back into being the "XW with benefits" and doing everything a wife does for her H, but he is still free to do as he pleases cause we are really D'd.

I don't know, I guess I am just doing so well, and am very proud of myself, I don't contact him at all and am fine with it, but he continues to come to me and tell me stuff...

I am rambling..so I will stop for now. Just so want him to WANT to come home, and I want it to come from him, and for him to process it all by himself and come to the conclusion that we love him so much and that he belongs with us..all of us, me included!

A

[whitneypinch]

Hi there.

Ummm, well... from what I have read no X ever comes running back committed 100%. It's seems like it is a very slow process in bits and pieces and a challenging one at that. That it's one step forward and many steps backward.
I guess the fact that he is not running away is a positive sign BUT as you have pointed out yourself...caution is what is needed.
As you also know, you really can't do much about the situation except protect yourself with boundaries that only you know.

I would suggest to just continue with all the DB stuff. GAL, be positive around him, no pursuing and acting as if. He knows you would love your family put back together.
Remember this is all about him. He has to do the work himself.
As you also wrote...you don't want to be his fallback because it's easy.

I have been really good since my kids have left on Thursday.
My kids phoned me at the airport just as they were getting on the plane. I spoke to the kids and when we were done I just hung up the phone. I did not talk to my X at all. I never gave her the chance to even talk to me.

Then yesterday the most bizarre thing happened. I received an email from my mother-in-law. My in laws are on the trip in Africa with my X. In fact their whole family is there on a big safari.
My MIL sent me a photo of my kids and X on their safari. There was no title in the subject line of the email and no note with the photo. Initially I was very upset. How could my MIL be so insensitive that I might be hurting that I am sitting here while my family is off on some dream vacation.
I spoke to my mother who suggested that maybe my MIL was not feeling too good about the situation either.
All I wrote back to the MIL was "cute, love to all"

My MIL has never sent me anything.