I am sorry for your situation. My advice to you is to stop living with that man. Christian people don't live together. Living together is crossing the line. Take the high road and show your son a good example. Why would you be in a relationship that is going no where????? You have been victimized by your ML'er, don't be a victim again by a guy who won't commit. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I am just concerned for you.....
I was addressing my comment to HB anyway! and I am on the High Rd. thank you.
I truly am sorry I offended you Sun. I do know boundaries, as a matter of fact..and I consider myself a Christian also. None of us are perfect, and at times boundaries can be blurred or over-stepped. You've set up boundaries in this new relationship...noone else. In the end, your decisions now affect the future ahead. It is your life to live. No one elses.
Oh by the way...I got over my anger years ago. Only sparks up somewhat when I see the impact it has made on our adult sons, but I handle that well with Gods help...thank you.
I come here and read a few posts occasionally, and hardly post anymore. More or less checking up to see how others are doing. I posted on your thread because I remembered well the struggles you had to face, like the rest of us. My intention was not to butt in to a thread addressed only to HB. My idea of this forum was that if someone posted, it was open to anyone to post a suggestion/support/opinion on the matter brought up.
This last posting from you has taught me a lesson.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Hey JTB!! Thank you so much for the welcome, and congratulations to you. You'll be wonderful moderating here. I was really happy that happened. You're not only a very wise man, but you've got a contagious sense of humor. You've provided many laughs for me when laughing was the last thing I felt like doing!! You Go!!
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
You have certainly been through an awful lot. It breaks my heart for you that your son won’t speak to you. I can only imagine the pain that must cause you.
I’m a Christian too. I don’t for, one second, want to judge you at all. I admire the fact that the two of you can live in separate rooms and not be physically intimate. I’m not sure that I could! (“ I think what everyone is most concerned about is that it has been 17 months and he’s not ready to move forward. The fact that he says that you’d wait for him as long as it takes causes some concern.
You’ve been really hurt. No one wants to see you go through any more hurt.
He dated his ex for two years before marrying her. That’s not rushing into a marriage. I rushed into marriage. (Less than 3 months after we met)
I think he may have some issues with commitment or there is something else entirely going. Maybe from his childhood.
Since you’re both Christians, do you go to the same church together? Would he be willing to meet with a pastor or priest with you? Take a pre-marriage class together? There are tons of Christian materials that you could utilize.
Okay...I fought with myself before posting this...and I guess the Swiss part of me won (the part that won't back down from a comment that questions my faith). Sun..."unless you're a Christian". "As a Christian..."
Don't go there. Don't attempt to question someone elses faith. I never did that to you...don't do it to me or anyone else here. We may all interpret our faith differently, but never, ever suggest we are not Christians. As I stated previously, none of us are perfect, and I'm sure none of us follow the path He would have us follow perfectly either. Most of us overstep on the boundaries He's set forth each and everyday..sometimes without even recognizing it.
As imperfect as I am, God knows me well, and I'm pretty sure He knows I try my best. If you feel others can't understand your point of view proves them to be unChristian-like, you need to be talking to Him more often yourself...not pointing fingers.
Nuff said. Wish you well.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I do not think anything was said with the intent to hurt or harm, nor do I think anything was said with judgement in mind.
But that could escalate.
If something is said that is untrue, it should have no affect upon you. No offense to Creed, but she is a faceless voice to you Sunshine. If there is no merit in her words, then let them be like water off a duck's back.
If her words sting, then she said something that bothers you about yourself.
But I doubt she pushed that button knowing it would do so.
We owe it to ourselves to evalaute those comments that 'sting' us and figure out why.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
nor do I think anything was said with judgement in mind.
I disagree completely. There are two problems here as I see it. First, those who consider themselves religious and follwo scripture to their churches word sit in judgment always on those who do not. Their are many different levels of being christian, not just the one taht you follow so judging her for living with a man is and making a comment that it is not christian is wrong. How about instead saying this " according to my beliefs it is not very christian to live with someone and not be married". Kind of keeps it from being judgmental and makes the poster not feel condemned, our ex's and MLC's can handle that part for us
Now to you Renee, while I disagree with the way they stated their opinions to you, I also disagree with you taking a religious stance on things and not expecting more observant christians to respond. We are all adults and understand the right wing beliefs on living with someone. We sometimes get the very tongue lashings that we ask for. Want my opinion on it, I could give a crap less as long as you can live with yourself and I am an old school Jew....so there
Now, on to you. The situation with your son is beyond your control. You can try and try to reach out and get the same results over and over if you want. The problem to me is you put the mother/son relationship on some sort of ivory tower. Guess what, a relationship is a relationship, is a relationship. If you have not figured it out yet, you need to be DBing your son.
The actions you are taking with him may very well be driving him further away instead of closer. Think about some of the things you have posted on here and forget for a moment he is your son, lets pretend he is a walkaway spouse, ready:
1. I sent him christmas presents and he sent them back.
2. I make sure to tell him I love him every time I can.
3. I constantly email him because that is the only thing he doesnt block.
Ok, I am done here, because you damn well better look at those three things and have a clear as day picture of what you are doing wrong in the relationship with your boy. I do not give a rats assss what your ex is telling him, your relationship with him is between you and him and if you do not stop pushing him and actually allow him time to work past shittt on his own, this will not get better. Space and time, maybe more than you want it to take, but it will happen.
Those were my jabs, I will leave here with a body blow. For a woman who speaks of faith so much, yours about your son coming around seems to be on shaky ground
Ok,,,,,,firt to Creed. I want to clear something up to you. I WAS NOT in any shape or form questioning your relation with God. I DO NOT judge anybody because it is wrong. That is why it hit me so hard what you said. TACTIFUL would have been better!
To anyone that read the past posts. I ONLY say a Christian would understand my boundaries because I have friends that DONT understand why "no sex", they just dont get it. THAT is what I was talking about. I only meant HB WAS or seems to be a Christian.....I DID NOT mean no one else here was. Trusting, I can hardly remember you. (sorry). As far as living together, let me deal with that. God knows my heart. and GOD is the only one that matters. I forgive you Creed and anyone else that hurt me.
Ok, now Ian. Thank you for taking the time to post to me. I agree that I need to be Dbing my son. It's harder when its your kid. You raised them and you know that they were raised to respect their parents. I was given advice to kick him out and I did and that ended up badly, so I am scared to take advice now I guess. I do love him dearly and its very hard. AND you are right, my FAITH needs to increase.
Sun, I posted to you occasionally over the last couple of years, mostly about starting up a new relationship before you had closed out the old. I am reluctant to jump in here, because there is a lot of emotion passing through, which really should be set aside. You returned for a reason, after several months away, and I suspect it has something to do with some discomfort about your current R. I may be wrong. Only you know the truth.
I will not -- and as an agnostic, cannot -- speak to anything religious about your current R. Nor will I judge your decisions in any way that is outside of the scope of these boards. We are here to both support and challenge you, though, and I hope you take my comments with that in mind.
In my opinion -- and all I know of you is what I have read here -- you have not developed a true sense of self yet. You have not spent significant time truly alone, learning to be comfortable and happy with you. You still do not value yourself enough to accept nothing less than what you deserve -- someone who longs to be with you, and will cherish, protect and commit to you. And as painful as his actions are, you have not made peace with the fact that your son is an adult, his choices are his, and have little to do with you, your needs, or how much you love him. You are still broken and needy, and will accept far less in your Rs than you deserve.
This is what I see. I'm sorry if it upsets you. If it does, please dig into it.
I wish you only the best, no matter how you go forward.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Twink this does not upset me at all. As far as coming back to the boards, I have lurked here and there and posted to some people. As far as my bf is concerned.....I AGREE with you that I am STILL needy! THAT is why I came here to ask the questions and get opinions. I have gotten opinions of some friends and a couple of people from these boards that are on my fb. I know that you all only know what I post here. THAT is the prb. with boards like this, People only know what they read. I know we love each other and want to be together. He has provided me with a car to drive, and financially it is better for us to be in the same house. He cooks for me and all the little things I leave out. No one is perfect. He is not yet to the point that he wants to get married. I dont think there is anything wrong with dating for a couple years.....why is that so bad? AND that is not what I came here to really ask. I am TRYING to work on my neediness and patience AND I came here to be reassured because I though I would get support here. My bf has admitted he is scared of committment because of his last marriage and he wants to make SURE its God's will. He has always been a slow mover. His mom confirmed this! His family told me right off the bat to load up on patience with him. He is trying to take things slow. A couple of people told me that NOTHING was wrong with that. I THOUGHT you all would confirm that too. BUT some of you have different opinions on that. Forgive me, and I am NOT pointing fingers at no one, BUT some here are so caught up in what happened in their lives and what has happened in others here that they cant see past it. They are not OPTIMIST'S at all. They automatically are on defense. There is life beyond a bad marriage. I found that out and it took me forever. OF COURSE I need to work on me and make ME happy. I have never been one to be alone, whether its a man or a family member. NOTHING is WRONG with that. I LOVE people! I am a PEOPLE PERSON. I would give the shirt off my back to anybody. My good heart gets taken advantage of because of this, but thats not MY prb. As for my son, YES I am heartbroken! Most people dont lose their mother, hubby, only son to their spouse and not to mention their home all in 6 to 8 months time. ALOT to deal with. My son is an adult and he is influenced by his Father. He has always looked up to him. I am convenienced that if my ex would show my son that he DONT hate me and we all can be adults and get along, my son would come around sooner. BUT my ex isnt gonna do that and I am not even gonna go there. I know my son Loves me and I love him. I NEED to have the FAITH I know I am suppose to have.
