When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[Kalni]

My son is down with the flu right now. Maybe it is that H1N1 virus, it's all over Europe again.

Rest mish, watch movies, read books, do masks, wax etc etc.
Love
M

[mishka422]

I'm better. Went to work today and slugged my way through. I'm worn out now and I can hardly keep my eyes open.

This is a killer!

I have to be totally better before Sunday though.......SUPERBOWL BABY!!! And to make it that much sweeter....My Packers are in. Not much more could make me happier than that. LOL

Wow BBJ! That was some whiskey story. Love it!

Maria, they haven't been talking about H1N1 here yet this year but give them time and I'm sure it will be topping the news. We love nothing more than to blow a story out of proportion.

Probably a self-fulling prophecy but I figure if Gabe didn't bother to get me a Christmas present, he's certainly doing nothing for V-Day. You would have to care for someone to do that right? UGH. Not feeling very good about this whole pseudo relationship we've got going on. There are advantages though but feeling like I mean exactly squat to him really has me doubting my value in every way.

I'm not really sure what to do now. I like being with him but I foresee a lot of longing for something more in my future and knowing it won't be fulfilled. I hate being alone, absolutely hate it, but I almost think it would be better than feeling like I'm being too vulnerable to someone who has the ability to tear me to shreds with his indifference.

I know, I promised not to come on here and whine. I've made my bed and I must lie in it. Easier said that done though.

[MichelleLT]

Sweetie, this place is all about the whine. And the wine.

You got him nice stuff for Christmas, so even if he gets you something for V-day it just makes you even. So do whatever you want to do about presents.

But quit assuming cuz he hasn't gotten you presents means he doesn't care. You said yourself he's not much of a gift giver, never really has been.

But if gifts are important to you, then you need to bring it up to him in a non-threatening way. You need to ask for what you want. Gifts? Flowers? Hand holding? More conversation? What would be one/two things that would really make you feel better about the whole situation?

His actions are showing he is "there." Taking care of you when you were sick, being there for you and Marc from what you've said. Has he said or done something in particular that makes you concerned about the future of your R?

Everyone shows their care differently. And everyone feels cared for differently. That's the whole point of the five love languages and such. It could just be that you two are hitting two completely different languages, and not that anything is truly lacking.

I also think he is getting complacent with the whole thing. You haven't really asked for anything from him because of your fear that he would leave again. But at some point you need to face that and ask for what you need whether it's an apology, an ILY, more gifts, flowers, whatever it is.

Maybe your deepest fears are right. Maybe he really would rather leave again than swallow his pride and guilt and apologize or admit out loud he wants to be with you. But you know you can make it on your own. You KNOW you can because you've done it. So it's not the end of the world.

So at some point, you need to chase your dreams. Ask for a R that would be more fulfilling to you. Make changes to pursue that.

But first, take care of yourself. Get some sleep. Rest up for Sunday!!!

[kat727]

I agree with Michelle. Tell him what you want and need. He wouldn't have helped with your Mom and helped you now if he wasn't there to some degree. Men don't like to define but women crave it. There has to be a happy medium.

Kat

[mishka422]

Ok, so I hear what you all are saying. Basically, grow a pair and speak up or suck it up, right?

Yeah, I know. Can't do it. I don't have the courage to speak up for what I want because the negative answer that inevitably comes breaks me. It's why I no longer ask anyone for help with anything. It's why I take on every task until I'm buried in them. It's why my life is not really my own.

All issues I don't have the skills or the fortitude to deal with.

C'est la vie

[kat727]

Don't settle for that Mish. Create the life you want. Maybe Gabe really doesn't know what you want but I will tell you this, if you continue to give him no credit and tell yourself that he will leave, you have him half way out the door. Don't try to fulfill this negative prophesy.

Hope you are feeling better. Hugs, kat

[Kalni]

I agree, do not settle. Gabe is the same person, you are the same person. When you continue reproducing unhealhty patterns you will get the same result. You can only change yourself. Start from there. To me, it seems you are still "hiding" too much. What you avoid facing, will bite you in the a$$ eventually. You are too young to spend the rest of your life feeling you lack love and affection.
Gabe is there and he maybe doing the best he knows how, let him in a bit, guide him, hold him accountable.
L
Maria

[MichelleLT]

The answer that comes is the answer that comes. It's how you handle it that makes it positive or negative. Just because you don't get the exact answer you want right then doesn't mean the conversation wasn't successful. Just look at the times Gabe has surprised you since he came back. The conversations you've had where you were convinced he was going to bail.

Plus, avoiding the problem doesn't make it go away. Avoiding the potential conflict only postpones the inevitable confrontation. And makes it more likely it will come out negatively because in the meanwhile you have built up resentment. The earlier and more calmly you deal with the issue the more likely you are to get a positive outcome!

You DO have the skills to deal with it. You've spent years on here and in counseling to learn how to deal with it. You don't give yourself enough credit.

Being sick has you worn down and you are not in a good strong place right now I think. I think that you are letting it overwhelm you. But in a few days you will bounce back and you can fight your way towards some optimism.

Give yourself some credit. You are not the person you were 5 or 10 years ago, so there is no reason to act like you are! If anything, you have a lot of reasons to act like you aren't even if it is uncomfortable. First, you. Second, setting a good example for Marc. Third, YOU!!!!!!!!!

You can do whatever you put your mind to. Stop with the negative self-talk. Stop sabotaging your own progress!

((((((Mishka))))))

[desert_rat]

(((((Mishka)))))
We all know that you can do it, we have all seen you grow over the past couple of years. Now you have to decide to believe in yourself!

I'd type what everyone else has, but you already know it. We are all behind you!

[AliSuddenly]

I was thinking about you yesterday... I think you should 'reverse engineer' this sitch/R. You know how BEFORE someone leaves, a WAS, or H with an A, they go all distant and you fear they are having an A, or may leave etc...

and what does DBing advise? Find yourself. GAL. Get a new hairdo/clothes, make them notice and wonder about you again - non verbal communication etc.

What can you do to break this stalemate/rut? What can yuo do to make Gabe sit up, take notice and realise what he HAS?

- Start wearing your/a new perfume to the shops/work without
mentioning it.
- Cut and colour your hair, or grow it long, wear it in a new style
- Go out once a week without him.. and not to bible study, thats not going to make him jealous or wonder about you!
- You were talking before about weight loss/fitness etc.. are you still doing that? How about really trying to if you havent lately?
- Switch the tele off and start listenig to music, dance round the room now and then
- Laugh more, worry/frown less
- Arrange some fun night out with your girlfriends
- arrange a 'date night' with Gabe?

Dont do as he does Mish.. do as you want to do, regardless of his reaction.

Just brainstorming here hun