2 years later it's still not getting easier

[whitneypinch]

Hi Augtan,

I hear you about the pain with dealing with our X's.
I will tell you that it is very hard not initiating contact but it is better overall.
My X does feel it and I can tell when she contacts me. She is much nicer.

I had to go to my X's house yesterday to pick up my kids skis. My X and I chatted and I backslide and showed her videos off my phone of the kids riding at a BMX park and roller-skating. They did both these things for the first time this weekend when they were with me.
My X laughed at stuff and had a nice little visit.
I drove away so upset that this whole stupid mess does not have to be happening at all. Then I became so mad at myself for showing her the videos. I should have just picked-up the skis and left.

Of course an hour later my X texted me about an event that she was at with my daughter.

So it's been a month since I have told my X that I didn't want to have anymore contact. She has contacted me almost every day. I have not initiated contact once.
I am getting fed up of this whole situation and all the energy that it is taking.

She is going away skiing with my kids this weekend and may end up contacting me. If she does I will probably push back pretty hard.
For me, the anger/bitterness is that she never tried to do anything to work on our situation, not a single thing. Now she acts like nothing is the matter.

On Saturday night my 6 year old son was crying for his mom when I put him to bed. Seeing that makes me so angry.

It would be different if my X and I hated each other and could not be in the same room together but that is not the case.

Augtan, I try not to give advice out unless asked. All I will say is that for me no contact makes my life "a bit" better. For me there is no way I could be intimate with my X and then have her just drop out of my life. That would just destroy me.

I hope everyone has a better day today.

I am going to post something I found that I read sometimes:

Let It Go (by T.D. Jakes)

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

LET THEM GO!

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of goodbye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in goodbye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

LET THEM GO!

If you are holding on to someone that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...

LET THEM GO!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...

LET IT GO!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...

LET THEM GO!

If someone has angered you...

LET THEM GO!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...

LET THEM GO!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...

LET THEM GO!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...

LET IT GO!

If you have a bad attitude...

LET IT GO!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...

LET IT GO!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

LET IT GO!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...

LET THEM GO!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed...

LET IT GO!

Get Right or Get Left, think about it, and then...

LET THEM GO!

[yrsofhurt]

onesDear Whitney,

It makes me so sad to hear that your little boy missed his mother. He is so young, and doesn't have the coping mechanisms to deal with all that is happening. How can we expect them to be able to cope, when we ourselves struggle daily.

According to the therapist, that we took our son to, your son is coming upon the age that boys need and want their fathers more than their mothers. If your X has geniune concern for your children, hopefully she will encourage and allow your son to have more time with you. Coming from the Mom's perspective, it is tough to let go and allow that attachment to deepen when it is happening in a broken marriage. Especially since I would rather my X to experience less of our child, so that X could feel pain. But, I love my child more than that, and hopefully your X will too.
I had a friend say the other day, that she was more angry with my X, because he intentionally and selfishly did all he did for me, kept in contact ect ect., inorder for me to continue to have feelings for him. I think this is what your X is doing also. She wants to keep you reeled in, even when you have told her not to contact you. It is obvious she cannot let go. Now, if only she would see that the greener grass turns brown with time.

It was painful to read about letting go. I believe there is much truth in what he writes, but it is difficult to let go when the X's are the way ours are. I think you are doing the right thing in trying to let go though, inspite of her refusal to.

Reading how you felt after sharing your videos, is exactly how I feel more often than not. I get so mad at myself after I have had those light happy moments with my X. It is easy for me to forget all the bad whenever we are talking or laughting about our son, but it all comes racing back whenever X leaves. Honestly, it is better for our kids if we get along, but in doing so I feel like I am sanctioning X's leaving us. But, I don't think punishing X will make it more likely he will come back either. LETTING GO, and really letting go is probably the best for us, and the only thing that will get their complete attention. Such a scary thing though. As I have said before, I am scared if I let go, there will never be a chance of restoration, so I am stuck. And while I am stuck, he does whatever he wants, and makes himself feel ok about it.

I am sick of all of this too. What unnecessary pain our children and ourselves are having to endure.

I know this, this life is short, and we have such a small amount of time to influence our children. I want to hear the words, .."Well done, my faithful servant", from the only One whose love never fails.

[whitneypinch]

You captured the essence of all of this so very well.

Yes, letting go is very difficult but hanging on is not working either. It does seem a bit better to try to gain some distance.

Ya, I have no idea what's going on in my X's head and why she keeps contact.
I believe the only reason she keeps in contact is to just "smooth" things over between us.

I have my kids tonight so I can't write too much, sorry.

Have a good night.....

[yrsofhurt]

So glad to hear you have your kids still. Enjoy!!!

[Goodfight]

Whitney I have been keeping up with your thread for it has a little over 2 years for me also.

I feel for you so much, because I'm just like you and Augtan. I'm having such a terrible time this week.

I still pray every day and every night for reconciliation and not just for my M but for anyone that wants reconciliation. I really thought I was the only one still having a really rough time after 2 years. I never thought in a million years my H would be gone this long.

I thank God that there wasn't and isn't a OW in H's life cause I don't think I could take the pain. But then again I'm against a lot of people cause H never could stand to be alone ever since I met him.

If you could hop over to my thread and give me your thoughts I would greatly appreciate it.

[Goodfight]

Augtan,

You and Whitney have so much in common with me. Was hoping you would hop over to my thread also if you could. I would greatly appreciate it.

I can't believe how much we all have in common.

[whitneypinch]

Unfortunately this same story is shared by many many more. That is what makes it even more heartbreaking.

[christienick]

http://fliiby.com/file/17959/h2hjfqt8uq.html

[whitneypinch]

Hi Christienick,

Thanks for sending the story. I read through it. Had a bit of a hard time focussing on it though.
Can you tell me what you think the moral of the story was?

So, Sunday night I got an email from my X. She had been away all weekend skiing with my kids.
The email said..."Hi, Kids skied great and had a good time. They had no problems with their new gear (I Just bought them new gear). She then said she thought my daughter's skis were cool and that she loved the design on them.

Then ended it with "Good Night"

This was one of those e-mails that never had to be sent to me at all. I did not ask for it at all.

Last night I stopped by my kids school to say hi. I do this often on night I don't have them. I was missing them a lot.
Ok, so I am human like the rest of you and I backslide last night.
I was feeling really down so I sent my X an email. All it said was "miss you"
I know, I know I should not have but I am telling you all just so you know I am a human too.
My X replied back with this; "((((me)))"

So there is the latest.

[yrsofhurt]

Hey Whitney,

Ok, what do you think she meant by the "me"? Whatever she meant, I am impressed she replied to your admission. She knowingly, more than once, has stepped over the line you made in regards to contacting you, and if she had not emailed you first, I doubt you would have had the inclination to randomly email her.
Maybe she is reacting to your decision to pull away. My friends tell me often, that once I appear to have moved on the X will have a rude awakening.

I have determined from a conversation I had with X, that he is not having a physical relationship with anyone, and the way in which he told me that sounded convincing. I have imagined the worst, thinking he and OW were getting serious again, so now I am getting hopeful again. What a rollercoaster ride!!!! And who knows what is going on in their minds, certainly not us, and its doubtful they do either.

I keep going back to the DB guidance of GAL. I have thought about dating, but just cannot get excited about doing it. So, I think I am going to take dance classes instead. Kills two birds with one stone, a great workout, and its something I have wanted to do for some time.

I also have thought about a conversation I had with one of the DB coaches in regards to being a lighthouse for XH, being someone who beckons him home. I can only be that though when I am not consumed with thoughts of X, or thoughts of how to control X, or thoughts of X with someone else ect, ect. I can only be a 'lighthouse' when I am being myself, my best self, the self that is aware of my values, beliefs, the self that is honest, and prayerful, the self that will wake up each day and make the day count even if X is still not here.

You are wanting what is right and good Whitney, not only for yourself, but for your children. That makes you a good person in my book, and your X may never find someone like you ever again. Somewhere in her mind she knows that too.

Take care, and I hope you have a great day tommorrow.