I think my W knows where I stand. I have told her I think the M can be saved. She knows I told D17 "I want to save my M". D17 told her so.
Though the words are not the same, the message is. W is a very stubborn, pigheaded person. I get the sense she will fight just from spite, because deep inside she knows.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Pickle, when you fight fire with fire it gets worse. That's from my D12, during the early part of my sitch when I was accusing my H of everything your W is guilty of. Let me tell you a story: when my D12 was around 3-4 yrs old, I once told her to put away her toys. She refused. I threatened to throw away her toys if she did not. She still refused. I went to bed fuming at my hardheaded little daughter, determined to carry out my threat. When I awoke, the floor was clear of toys. Imagine my surprise though when I found them in the trash! Now I had to search for another way, maybe a gentler way, to discipline her, as she effectively took away my weapon!
If when she spews venom, you do not fight back, she will then find that it is ineffective. You take away her weapons.
At this point, can you just let a day or two pass where you retreat into each others room, have a "do not disturb" sign on your door or something, so you can think and not be in each others face?
I don't see anyting wrong in your stance where you say you cannot live with her while she is carying on an affair. That is very painful. Let her know that it would hurt you and since she started this in the first place, she should give consideration to your feelings as well. But to call her names will just close her mind to whatever you are saying.
Also, think of how abnormal this situation will be for your kids. That is what I told my H as well ... remember he wanted the same things as your W?
But ultimately, it is her choice, with conditions from your side, if you so wish, and can apply.
Divorce takes time, so you still have time to plant the seeds of doubt i her mind... Also, you can contest the divorce or whatever it takes to buy more time, I guess. Don't know uch about that yet. Hope never to need to know.
Unless inside you you really want her gone already. And I don't blame you if you do, but again, we are all here to save the family and not give up.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Sorry for all my typos....just had my nails done....
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Thanks for the input Angel. All of you are right of course. I just have a hard time when my buttons get pushed.
I get the sense that W is so lost and stubborn that it might be best for her to be gone, before anything changes inside her, like her feelings for me or OM.
She's always been a restless spirit, never content unless planning something or involved in something or at a party or on a trip - she could never sit still - always looking for something to make her happy, for that elusive "happiness".
I truly wonder if the only way she'll ever realize that I am not the source of her misery is if I am no longer in the picture. And believe me, at this juncture in the sitch, she is quite misrable.
And yet - even though her fantasy is being shaken, I appear to be the cause, but she is just pigheaded enough to suffer having to move to a shabby little apt. by herself simply to justify her liberty.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I have my first consultation with an Atty at 3:30 PM EST today.
Having a low seratonin day today.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Ran 2 miles today. Met with atty. Have 16 more days to respond to disclosure requests. I have to fill out an income and expenses worksheet. What a pain, but I'm going down swinging.
Atty says W cannot afford the house even with child support (CS). I can't afford it myself if I have to pay CS. Only option to save it is to refinance. W did not demand alimony, which is huge. And she did not make any claim on my IRA (which I had before we met and did not make any contributions to during the M) So that's good, unless she changes her mind which she's apt to do, I think she's resigned to having to kiss the house goodbye. One aspect of the looney fantasy about to crumble. I firmly believe that the sooner she's gone, the sooner she might realize what she's lost. No expectations though.
I apolgized to W today for the fighting.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Pickle, I feel for you brother. I haven't posted on your thread in a while, but I am keeping up on it. Hang tough. I get a feeling that I am not too far behind you. This is not over until you say it is over. Things may look grim right now, but there is always hope as long as you hold onto it. I say this as much for myself as I do for you. Stay strong.
B.I.T.S.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
W actually spoke to me after I apologised for the fighting. Just a one/two word(s) kind of thing, but it beats silent treatment. I said let's end the war of the roses stuff and do what's best for the kids.
I'll give her a day or so before offering any other olive branches. We have to go to a mandatory parenting class - together or not. She also needs my help to change her aol pw - gotta wait till she's way, way calmed down to do that.
I gave all the evidence of the A I had collected from my snooping to my atty. She said although "no fault" means you can get a D any time you want, it doesn't necessarily mean you discount infidelity altogether when it comes to settling terms and mediating. But atty said she will not bring it up (reveal) unless absolutely necessary. I have a couple of other cards to play if W changes her mind and gets more demanding, though I have a feeling she wants the kids to have their bedrooms, and they can only have that with me. Unless of course she ends the A in which case I'll gladly be her room mate.
I was reluctant to share this because I cannot tell if it's just my imagination and wishful thinking playing tricks on me. But a few nights ago whilst in the chapel praying, I felt God telling me that "ONLY out of the smoke of destruction will she be able to come out of the fog." I assume that meant the dissolution of our civil marriage (remember we're catholic) and the subsequent affect on her lifestyle and quality of life in general. BUt then again it could have been just my imagination.
Thanks for all the prayers. BITS
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
1) she wakes up 2) you both agree to work on the marriage 3) you both make changes 4) your marriage is saved
It's most likely to work in this order:
1) you wake up to the fact your changes come first 2) you make changes and attract her back 3) she wakes up from the fog because you're so doggone amazing 4) she wants to come back 5) you tread slowly, as she makes her changes 6) your marriage is saved 7) you BOTH keep your changes going
I hope you start now, because it isn't too late. But you have a speeding truck going. Put the brakes on.
