Mom found out about the sitch. She’s upset and concerned for both of us. It is painful to see her reaction. My biggest worry is how this will affect her health. She internalizes a lot of emotional, she always has. The anxiety will prevent her from sleeping. I am taking her to see her GP in a few weeks if it gets bad I’ll ask if she’ll let him prescribe something.
Maybe I should be taking something too, although this seems to be getting a little easier. I am getting a little more sleep.
I spoke with our S last night. This was the first time in two weeks, just small talk, nothing about the chaos here. We did discuss if he would be able to take leave before he deploys and how we might spend a little of it together. That is up in the air as the timing is not known. I wonder how W will take this. If we weren’t in this sitch, we’d have used some of the air miles I have saved to travel and spend a few days with our S and DIL. Now I am not inclined to facilitate her travel and by then the D will likely be final if she keeps to her plan.
Moderator: What does the (NA) in front of the thread title indicate?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
An update from the GAL front: I joined an archery league. Tonight was the first night. I shot a 283 out of a possible 300 with 25 X rings. Not bad, I am not in the running for the prize money, but it was a respectable score. More importantly I was able to socialize and participate in something I like to do. I’ll go back next Tuesday.
No contact with W so far this week, my choice. I need to find something to be busy with Saturday. With any luck I won't speak with or see the W until a week from Thursday.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I am still going through the emotions of grieving. This morning was anger some what less intense than before. I am angry W can just toss away everything we worked for over 29 yrs due to anger and disappointment at the last 6 to 9 months. This is the time frame she referenced in her parting letter to me. It has taken me weeks to decipher and try to make sense of the ranting contained in her letter. If there ever will be an example of her state of mind as she ran away that letter is it. I realize the time frame is probably longer and running away is what she did at 18. She never, ever indicated her anger and disappointment; she just withdrew further and further from the R. Like an idiot I perused and pressured for a response.
I knew we weren’t communicating and now I know I was running down cheese less holes trying to force a reaction from her. I kept yammering away if we don’t speak to a MC about our problems we will end up D, is that what you want? I did not want D and could not conceive she would either. So in a way I brought this upon us. I planted the seed. Her anger and disappointment nurtured it.
I have accepted I have no control over her decision; I am still grieving, less intently than before but still grieving. Any change to this sitch is her decision to make and she has to want to. So I need to detach, GAL, and use everything I can to focus myself elsewhere, away from the sitch. I need to stop whining. I need to return to PI. I need to sound off like I have a pair. Wish me luck.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
In another thread tjack45 posted "You need to work on detaching. google livestrong detachment and read this all the time."
I did, it puts detachment in a different light for me, one more applicable to my sitch I think. There is also an article about boundaries that applies on the same site. I am not promoting another site. I am saying these articles have meaning for me.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
W called last night. First time in a long time. She usually texts. She asked if she should come over Thursday night to clean our mess. I told her no, I have plans after work and will be late getting home. I stumbled over the words and almost began to explain myself. I caught myself and did not offer an explanation of what I was doing. The conv ended when I said have a good night. She did not give me much of a reaction. she seemed anxious to get off the phone.
I have a meeting with my C after work tonight no telling when I'll get home.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Met with my C last night, I can only afford one more session so we scheduled it for 10 days out. It was not a very productive session. We reviewed the last week and how I have little hope W is willing to slow the D process. My C does not understand what the rush is anymore than I do. She tells me to tell W “We can D anytime. We have 30 yrs invested in this M. It seems to me we could explore the possibility of a relationship in the marriage that is different from the one you wish to end.” From my point of view this makes logical sense.
I don’t think W is ready to hear this yet. She told me so about two weeks ago. The opinions from this board have been to stay away from this type of discussion. What sign do I look for to tell me I can broach the subject?
I meet with my L today to develop a counter proposal. My C thinks if the counter is realistic and W realizes she will struggle also then she might be approachable. I wonder how many couples have gone to the brink and pulled it back. I know I am not standing at the brink yet, but it looms ahead.
Some days I am more detached than others. This isn’t one of the better days. Maybe I should take up base jumping as part of my GAL.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Hello All, I really need some feedback here. I have just met with my L to discuss a counter proposal. He has been a D attorney in this county for 30 yrs. So I trust he knows what he is saying. Basically the realistic settlement will leave both W and I financially devastated from where we are now. There is too little equity and too much debt for this to be any different.
This is not the fantasy W has built in her mind. She believes she will have enough in the settlement to make a down payment on a small house she can afford. The numbers just won’t support this and neither one of us will be able to keep the present house. I am not surprised by this so I am not too devastated now. My L will draft the response and her L will see it in about a week.
My questions to you: Do I let this be a shock, or do I warn W? I am inclined to let her find out from her L. I’d like for her to read the 1st chapter in DR at some point after she speaks with her L about the counter. Any suggestions about how to introduce the 1st chapter?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Saturday, I had a cup of coffee and spoke with one of the SILs, nothing about my sitch, just small talk. She congratulated me on what little GAL I’ve been able to do. Her boyfriend was interested in the CC skiing. Too bad we are at the end of the season.
I had a little contact with W. I initiated a text message about her old expired credit cards stored in the safe. She called asking about replacements cards for the ones she is carrying now. I had to tell her they are not here. When she planned her escape she packed several bags and cached them with family and friends. She lost her extra checks for a week this way. I was accused of shedding the checks. I don’t know what I am accused of about the cc cards. Doubtless the replacement cc cards are stashed somewhere. It is all irrational, but from information about WAS on this board seems to fit.
She will stop at the house on Thursday to discuss what to clean on Saturday. It'll be the first time in two weeks she will see my smiling happy confident face. I am debating whether to remove most of the pictures of us from display in the house. They are beginning to depress me so I probably will pack them away
Yesterday Mom asked if W had moved back home. I had to tell her no and a little bit more about the sitch. I previously had been making meals ahead for her like W and I used to, talking about W, and what we were doing, keeping the R alive for her. I just can’t keep up that part of the charade any longer. Mom is pretty much house bound when the weather get bad so I’ve been grocery shopping and taking her to Dr appts.
Mom is taking this pretty hard, she is sorry for me. She reminded me the last time W was hospitalized for depression W blamed all her problems on Mom. W still does blame my Mom and her Mom for a lot of issues. Now she blames me. When will she realize all of these people are not at fault? That her happiness is dependant upon how she perceives and communicates. She’s never reconciled with her mother; she only just tolerates my mother, so why should I hope she’ll try and build a new R within our M?
I’ve interacted more with mom in the last six weeks than I have with W. Yesterday was a bad day. Today is not much better. Time to suck it up and get moving I have lost 22 lbs to the anxiety of separation program. I’ll start lifting again when that part of the basement gets straighten. It is next on my list. joining a gym isn't finacially possible.
Tomorrow I have archery leagues so at least I’ll get out and socialize there.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
So here I sit at work. An email from my attorney arrived. I know it is the counter proposal we worked on last Friday. He told me I could take a couple of days to review it suggest changes and then get it back to him.
Sooooo I will wait to open it. I see it as another steep drop on this rollercoaster, and right now I need my wits about me for other things. It is review time and my people deserve my focus on their reviews. I am about half done with Friday as the deadline. If I can focus I’ll get it done.
In a few hours I’ll be in an archery lane. It generally calms me done to focus on form and sight picture. It cannot be done well if one is tense or over thinks. I’ll be calmer in a few hours.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
